Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.

In a recent scientific research project, it was proved that Beer contains the female hormone oestrogen. That's why after a six pack you can't drive.

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist tells him that the condoms come in packs of three, nine, or 12, and asks which ones the young man wants. "Well," he says, "Ive been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's the night. We're having dinner with her parents and then we're going out. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack!" The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he may give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

A teacher just taught her class how to describe stuff, using colors and size. She then decides to play a guessing game with them. She asks, "what fruit is red both on the inside and the outside?" A very smart little boy by the name of Johnny, jumped up and answers, "it's a strawberry." The teacher replied, "no dear, but you're thinking, you're thinking." She then asks, "what is yellow on the inside and sometimes yellow and green on the outside?" The same little boy jumps up and shouts, "an orange." The teacher smiled patiently and said, "no Johnny, but you're thinking, you're thinking." She then offered them the chance to quiz her. Again, Johnny hollers out and asks, "what is long, brown, has a red head and in my pants?" Apalled by his question, she sent him to the corner. He then looked at her and said, "no miss, it's my pencil, but you're thinking, you're thinking!"

How do you make a dog float? Take two scoops of ice cream, a couple of squirts of soda and a small dog.

What's the difference between a biscuit and a monster? You can dip a biscuit in your tea, but a monster is too big to fit in the cup.

Chuck Norris' breakfast is roundhouse kicking people to their faces..

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His w.

Chuck Norris opens beer bottles with the nearest person's anus.

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator. Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger - how the heck could HE know where we're going? Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is OK, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too? Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection? Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.

Waiter, this coffee tastes like dirt! Yes sir, thats because it was only ground this morning.

How do you make gold soup? Put 14 carrots in it.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic." The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Ten holiday differences explained 1. Christmas is one day. It’s the same day every year, December 25. Jews love Christmas as it’s another paid day off work. We go to the cinema, eat at a Chinese restaurant and go Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure - until that is, a Christian friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar. We all have the same calendar, provided free with the Jewish Chronicle newspaper. 2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most of the other Jewish holidays – ‘They attempted to kill us, we survived, so let`s eat already’. 3. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah. 4. Christmas is a time of pressure for husbands and boyfriends because their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden because, surprisingly, no one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah. 5. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewellery, perfume and digital cameras. Jews get practical presents such as scarves, underwear, socks and pyjamas. 6. Christmas end up in high electricity bills. But because candles are used for Chanukah, Jews are spared such high bills. We even feel good because we aren’t adding to the energy crisis. 7. Christmas carols are beautiful (Silent Night, Come O Ye Faithful). Chanukah songs are about clay dreidels and similar. Nevertheless, we are proud that many carols were written and sung by Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond. 8. Homes getting ready for Christmas smell great with the sweet aromas of cookies and cakes. Everyone is in a festive mood. Homes getting ready for Chanukah smell of frying oil and potatoes and onions. Everyone as usual is talking loudly and at the same time. 9. Women have great fun baking Christmas cookies, but Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions making latkes on Chanukah - a reminder of our suffering through the ages. 10. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Come on Joseph, bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn`t sleep with her and now you want to blame God. Here, take the number of my psychoanalyst. He might be able to help you."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says "Make me one with everything."

What ghost is handy in the kitchen? A recipe spook.

25 Signs That You Are Italian And Live In The 3rd Millennium ~ 1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three 3. You call your son`s beeper to let him know it`s time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, "What`s for dinner?" 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven`t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 9. Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen. 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn`t have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is cause for panic and turning around to go get it. 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses. 15. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes. 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee. 22. You wake up at 2 am to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed. 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 24. You`re reading this. 25. Even worse; you`re going to forward it to someone else.

1. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you." 2. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. 3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a half time. 4. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bum would pretty much do it. 5. Birth control would come in ale or lager. 6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. 7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got hammered last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness. 8. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. 9. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. 10. Tanks would be far easier to rent. 11. Instead of a beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." 12. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" 13. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. 14. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks. 15. Two words: Ally McNaked. 16. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers. 17. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. 18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. 19. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. 20. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." 21. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. 22. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Q: What did the grape say when it was stepped on? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.