Q: What did the grape say when it was stepped on? A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Once, Chuck Norris ate 200 grapes, and peed out wine.

A rather naive gentleman was found by a friend sitting on the floor eating a pound of butter and a quart of ice cream. The friend asked him what he thought he was doing. The reply, "My doctor told me to go on a low fat diet.

A man walked into a crowded restaurant and caught the eye of a harried waiter. " You know, he said, "it`s been 10 years since I came in here. "Don`t blame me, the waiter snapped. "I`m working as fast as I can..

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. Man: "What's the matter with me?" Doctor: "You're not eating properly."

According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.

An avid line dancing couple go to the doctor for a check up because they are having trouble remembering anything but, all the latest line dances. The doctor finds them in excellent health , but suggests that writing things down may help their memories off the dance floor. That night the husband gets up to go the kitchen and the wife asks for a dish of ice cream, suggesting that maybe he write it down. He says "I don't need to write it down" She says "Well I want Strawberries on it, so maybe you better write it down" "I don"t need to write it down" He says and walks off in a huff. Twenty minutes later he comes back with a plate of bacon and eggs. "I told you to write it down" she says, "You forgot my toast".

A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.

On the lighter side of religion, here are some actual sentences found in church bulletins and newsletters: 1) Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help. 2) Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow. 3) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community. 4) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 5) The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer. 6) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends. 7) Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early. 8) Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor. 9) Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mother, please see the minister in his private study. 10) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar. 11) The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies will start and the rest of the congregation will join in. 12) Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper. 13) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday. 14) A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. 15) At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. 16) Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. 17) The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11. 18) Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary. 19) Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. 20) Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. 21) The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir. 22) Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child. 23) Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. 24) The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

What did the ice cream say to the unhappy cake? "Hey, what's eating you?"

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"

When Chuck Norris goes out for sushi, instead of eating sushi, he only eats the wasabi. He says it tastes like ice cream.

Chuck Norris' crotch cakes do not taste like Twinkies.

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked. "Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

What did the hot dog say when he crossed the finish line? I`m the wiener!

Meg's mother was visiting her daughter at camp. 'How did you find the steak dinner?' she asked. 'With a magnifying glass!'.

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Gurl, you remind me of a box of chocolates... Cause I want to take your top off.

No lawyers allowed- Prosecutors will be violated! If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

Top Ten Things You Don`t Want To Hear From A Guy At Starbucks10. "We ran out of coffee filters, so I`m using one of my old undershirts."9. "Try our triple cappuccino -- It`s a legal alternative to crack."8. "Let me make sure that`s not too hot."7. "You know, I licked every one of these stirrers."6. "One Decaf Venti Skim Latte -- 39 dollars."5. "Sugar with that?"4. "Grande Caramel Macchaito? Talk English!"3. "If I catch any of you people going into a Dunkin` Donuts for coffee, I`ll break your legs!"2. "Some whipped cream for you... and some whipped cream for me."1. "After work, I`m gonna pick up a hooker-uccino."