Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

After drinking a case of Corona beer, Chuck Norris' urine smells like a steaming platter of chicken fajitas.

A carjacker attempted to take Chuck Norris' Lexus. Chuck pulled him through the window, stuffed the jacker's head up his own ass, then threw him back out the window. Chuck then went for coffee at Starbucks.

Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup! Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor? A: Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

The big escape [My thanks to Hilary for the following] Sarah, Rebecca and Sadie work in the same Golders Green accounts office and every day they notice their tough and demanding boss Kitty leaving work early. So they decide that when Kitty next leaves early, they would leave right after her. After all, she never phones them or returns to work later on, so how would she know they left early? That afternoon, Kitty leaves early again and within 5 minutes, so do Sarah, Rebecca and Sadie. Sarah is thrilled to get home early. She does some gardening, plays with her son and goes to bed early. Rebecca is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before going out on a dinner date. Sadie is happy to get home early because she wants to surprise her husband. But when she gets to her bedroom door, she hears muffled noises from inside. She opens the door quietly and is shocked to see her husband in bed with her boss Kitty. Gently, Sadie closes the door and creeps out the house. Next day, during their coffee break, Sarah and Rebecca agree to leave early again and ask Sadie if she is going to leave with them. "No way," says Sadie, "I almost got caught by Kitty yesterday and I don’t want to take another chance."

Chuck Norris can wet dry wine.

There`s a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".The atheist yells back, "There is no God".She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord".The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there`s the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!".The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!"

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: * Compliment her * cuddle her * kiss her * caress her * love her * stroke her * tease her * comfort her * protect her * hug her * hold her * spend money on her * wine & dine her * buy things for her * listen to her * care for her * stand by her * support her * go to the ends of the earth for her... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: * Show up naked.

Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?""No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don`t have to, my mom is a good cook!"

A surprise restaurant visit [My thanks to Frank R for the following] Rabbi Levy is walking home from shul one shabbes when he sees Issy in front of him. Issy is a learned and respected man who can hold his own with the rabbi on tulmudic discussions. As Rabbi Levy tries to catch up with Issy, he is shocked to see him go into ‘The Chinese Crab’ restaurant. As he looks through the window, Rabbi Levy sees Issy giving his order to a waiter and a short time later sees the food arrive – a plate of shrimps, lobsters and crabs. As Issy picks up the chopsticks and starts to eat, Rabbi Levy bursts into the restaurant and confronts Issy. "Issy, just what do you think you are doing coming into this restaurant and ordering this treif? You are not only violating everything we are taught about the dietary laws, but you also seem to be enjoying this food." "Rabbi," says Issy, "did you see me enter this establishment?" "Yes." "And did you see me order this food?" "Yes." "And did you see the waiter bring the food to me?" "Yes." "And did you then see me eat the food?" "Yes." "Then I don`t see a problem, rabbi. Everything was done under full Rabbinical Supervision."

Q: Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine? A: It depends on the age.

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No". "Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?". Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

Three cookies were crossing the road when the first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he reached the pavement in safety? Crumbs!

What`s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Deer nuts are under a buck.

Why did the horse stir his cereal with his hoof? Because he wanted to feel his oats!

One doc operated on a person for a hernia. He opened his testis and took the balls out and kept it on the table. At the end of the operation he wanted to put his balls back into the pouch of testis. He searched operation theatre but could not find the balls of the patient. Lastly he told nurse to get two small onions from his lunch box as he cannot keep his testis pouch empty. After that operation he met the same patient in a garden for morning walk. Being a good doc, he asked his patient how he is feeling now. He said "Doc everything is fine, life is very cool except that whenever I scratch my balls, my eyes start watering."