This year, I resolve to... 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you think. 4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. 6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast. 7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1. 8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine. 9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did. 10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. 11. Not have eight children at once. 12. Get in a whole NEW rut! 13. Start being superstitious. 14. Personal goal: bring back disco. 15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura. 16. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash. 17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms. 18. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace. 19. Not eat cloned meat. 20. Create loose ends. 21. Get more toys. 22. Get further in debt. 23. Break at least one traffic law. 24. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice. 25. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases. 26. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. 27. Stay off the MIR space station. 28. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks. 29. Associate with even worse business clients. 30. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them. 31. Not take spaceship rides behind comets. 32. Not try to escape from a maximum security prison. 33. Wait around for opportunity. 34. Focus on the faults of others. 35. Mope about my faults. 36. Never make New Year's resolutions again.

A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED." * A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here." The message received by wife, "I wish you were her." * A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady." * And the most famous of them all... A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better". The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top You are getting better at the bottom"

What happens when you throw one banana to two hungry Apes? A banana split!

Chuck Norris can make a banana split.

How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?" "Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.

Little Tommy's parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors, flash cards, "Hooked on Math," special learning centers, everything. Finally, they enrolled him in the local Catholic school. The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy was hard at work. As soon as dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought home his report card and showed it to his parents: An A in Math! "Tommy! This is great! I'm so proud of you! Son, what was it? What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy shook his head. "Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms? What?" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, Mom, it's like this. When I saw that guy out in the lobby nailed to a plus sign, I knew they weren't screwing around!"

When Chuck Norris eats dinner at a restaurant, the wait staff tips him.

A vacationing penguin is driving his through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

FINALLY, a way to know what to pitch and what to save! THE GAG TEST Anything that makes you gag is spoiled . EGGS When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. MAYONNAISE If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen. MEAT If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. LETTUCE Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. CANNED GOODS Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS Raisins should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you have a wife or a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not "burp" when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

What do sea monsters have for dinner? Fish and ships.

You can't be a real country unless you have a BEER and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a BEER.

The nibbler Rabbi Levy was running behind with his daily schedule because he had attended a number of unforeseen events. His next port of call was Mrs. Gold. As soon as he arrived at the nursing home, the matron said, "Rabbi, Mrs. Gold has been waiting to see you all day. She was afraid you had forgotten all about her." The Rabbi apologized, and went straight to Mrs. Gold’s room. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and after he had said a few words of encouragement to her, she began to talk about her day. Whilst he was listening, he noticed a small bowl of peanuts next to her, so he interrupted and asked her if she would mind if he took a few of the peanuts. "No, of course not," she replied and continued talking at length about her day. A few minutes later, Rabbi Levy interrupted her again and said, "Mrs. Gold, I`m sorry but I`ve eaten almost all of your peanuts." Mrs. Gold smiled at him and said, "Don`t worry about it Rabbi, I can`t eat peanuts - I just like to nibble the chocolate off them."

"None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth." "Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race." "Dating your own sister? Man, that's sick!" "My God, this is a splendid Merlot!" "Hey, you with the large chest. Out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!" "Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my atache case." "What a coincidence, Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!" "These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!" "Whew! No more beer for me, fellas." "And now... Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!"

Q: Why did the student eat his homework? A: His teacher said it was a piece of cake.

Chuck Norris doesn't take the cake, the cake sees Chuck Norris and begs to be devoured.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter how implausible, are still the facts ... A complaint was received by the Pontiac Division of General Motors: "This is the second time I have written you, and I don't blame you for not answering me, because I kind of sounded crazy, but it is a fact that we have a tradition in our family of ice cream for dessert after dinner each night. But the kind of ice cream varies so, every night, after we've eaten, the whole family votes on which kind of ice cream we should have and I drive down to the store to get it. It's also a fact that I recently purchased a new Pontiac and since then my trips to the store have created a problem. You see, every time I buy vanilla ice cream, when I start back from the store my car won't start. If I get any other kind of ice cream, the car starts just fine. I want you to know I'm serious about this question, no matter how silly it sounds: 'What is there about a Pontiac that makes it not start when I get vanilla ice cream, and easy to start whenever I get any other kind?'" The Pontiac President was understandably skeptical about the letter, but sent an engineer to check it out anyway. The latter was surprised to be greeted by a successful, obviously well-educated man in a fine neighborhood. He had arranged to meet the man just after dinner time, so the two hopped into the car and drove to the ice cream store. It was vanilla ice cream that night and, sure enough, after they came back to the car, it wouldn't start. The engineer returned for three more nights. The first night, the man got chocolate. The car started. The second night, he got strawberry. The car started. The third night he ordered vanilla. The car failed to start. Now the engineer, being a logical man, refused to believe that this man's car was allergic to vanilla ice cream. He arranged, therefore, to continue his visits for as long as it took to solve the problem. And toward this end he began to take notes: he jotted down all sorts of data, time of day, type of gas used, time to drive back and forth, etc. In a short time, he had a clue: the man took less time to buy vanilla than any other flavor. Why? The answer was in the layout of the store. Vanilla, being the most popular flavor, was in a separate case at the front of the store for quick pickup. All the other flavors were kept in the back of the store at a different counter where it took considerably longer to find the flavor and get checked out. Now the question for the engineer was why the car wouldn't start when it took less time. Once time became the problem -- not the vanilla ice cream -- the engineer quickly came up with the answer: vapor lock. It was happening every night, but the extra time taken to get the other flavors allowed the engine to cool down sufficiently to start. When the man got vanilla, the engine was still too hot for the vapor lock to dissipate. Moral of the story: even insane-looking problems are sometimes real.

A small boy was looking at the red ripe tomatoes growing in the farmer`s garden. "I`ll give you my two pennies for that tomato," said the boy pointing to a beautiful, large, ripe fruit hanging on the vine."No," said the farmer, "I get a dime for a tomato like that one."The small boy pointed to a smaller green one, "Will you take two pennies for that one?""Yes," replied the farmer, "I`ll give you that one for two cents.""OK," said the lad, sealing the deal by putting the coins in the farmer`s hand, "I`ll pick it up in about a week."

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?