Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us? A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote. Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton? A: The President after Bush. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy? A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab. Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office? A: "Don't hit your head on the desk." Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's Day? A: All pants half off. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common? A: They both blew the big one several times. Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government? A: The Executive Branch. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common? A: They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here." Q: What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? A: This time we know who Deep Throat is. Q: What's the recipe for Clinton stew? A: A small weenie in hot water. Q: What are the ingredients for the new, improved Clinton stew? A: One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans and hot water. Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection? A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door." Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver? A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns. Q: How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex? A: You have to wipe the "White-Water" off your blouse...

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.

He other day, it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables.She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don`t think I like that produce guy. I went and lookedaround for your organic vegetables and I couldn`t find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were.""He didn`t know what I was talking about, so I said, `These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?`""And he said, `No, ma`am. You`ll have to do that yourself.`"

Jewish film titles Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful partners. Girls Interrupted - Women`s section of shul are told to be quiet during davening. Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the law on Pesach. Angela`s Kashas - Woman tells all her secret recipes. Supernova - Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox. Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive during Chanukah. Sleepy Halah - It`s Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off. Goys Don`t Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B`Av. Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another. Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos. The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am.

Calling in Sick... A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower . "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this, " Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.

Stumpy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving. In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again.That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Stumpy`s face dropped as the guest called out, "It`s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich." The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down." The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table. Then she told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

What's the best day to eat bacon? Fry-day.

Jewish sayings [My thanks to Malcolm S for the following] 1. Where there`s smoke, there may be smoked salmon. 2. Before you read the menu, read the prices. If you have to ask the price, you can`t afford it. 3. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid. 4. No meal is complete without leftovers. 5. Jewish dietary law says pork may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. 6. Never leave a restaurant empty handed. 7. If it tastes good, it`s probably not kosher. 8. Tsuris is a Yiddish word that means your daughter is marrying out. 9. A shmata is a dress that your husband`s ex is wearing. 10. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. 11. Never take a front row seat at a bris. 12. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise? 13. Always whisper the names of diseases. 14. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy? 15. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

What is smaller than an ant's dinner? An ant's mouth!

One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you, is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went something like this: Me: Hello AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes This is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please? Me: May I ask who is calling? AT&T: This is AT&T. Me: OK, hold on. At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still waiting. Me: Hello? AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron? Me: May I ask who is calling please? AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... Me: Is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes this is AT&T... Me: This is AT&T? AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron? Me: Yes, is this AT&T? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: The phone company? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: I thought you said this was AT&T. AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company. Me: I already have a phone. AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron. Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for calling. When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested," but this lady was persistent. AT&T: Mr. Byron, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate." I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering. Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: Yes sir, that's right! 24 hours a day! Me: 7 days a week? AT&T: That's right. Me: 365 days a year? AT&T: Yes sir. Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow! That's amazing! AT&T: We think so! Me: That's quite a sum of money! AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up. Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual check, can I get a cash advance? AT&T: Excuse me? Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute. AT&T: What are you talking about? Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment. AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute. Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T? AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but... Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me. AT&T: No sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for... Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please! AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary. Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What? Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold. So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food: Supervisor: Mr. Byron? Me: Yeth? Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents.

0- Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet. 1- Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being. 2- Beer warming up head. Crisps are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. Barmen complimented on nice trousers. 3- Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers. 4- Barmaid complimented on choice of bra/Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of crisp one by one. 5- Have brilliant discussion with a guy at bar. Devise fool-proof scheme for winning lottery, sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same world over except for the bloody French. 6- Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realise that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend/boyfriend to tell them you love them and they still have an amazing arse. 7- Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed off. You buy him a Long Island Iced Tea. 8- Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up. 9- Head-ache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say "that's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign. 10- Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound. 11- Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realise you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out. 12- Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realise you've given address of local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

Judy arrived home from her date, tossed her coat over a chair, her handbag over the banister, she threw her clothes around the bedroom without care. The next morning at breakfast, her mother asked her if she had a good time? "Oh", sighed Judy, "I had a wonderful time." "I thought as much", her mother remarked, "Your underpants are still stuck to the ceiling!"

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuit from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would you believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a flyswatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh!, Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone". He responded.

One morning in a posh hotel breakfast room, a guest called over the head waiter. "Good morning, sir! I`d like to order two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it`srunny, and the other so overcooked that it`s tough. I also want some rubbery bacon, burnt toast, and butter that`s so cold it`s impossible to spread. Finally, I`ll have a pot of extra-weak coffee, served at room temperature."The bewildered waiter almost stuttered. "Sir! We cannot serve such an awful breakfast to you here!""Why not?" the guest replied. "That`s what I got here yesterday!"