Where do pirates get chocolate? Carob bean.

Classification of mathematical problems as linear and nonlinear is like classification of the Universe as bananas and non-bananas.

Customer to friend: This is a wonderful restaurant. I ordered salad and I got the freshest salad in the world, I ordered coffee, and I got the freshest coffee in the world. Friend: I know - I ordered a small steak and got a calf.

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch.""Fair enough. From now on I`ll make my own," he replied.A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards."We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

Did you hear about the time Eddy's sister tried to make a birthday cake? The candles melted in the oven.

Doctor. Doctor. "I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." Doctor. "I've got some cream for that."

Yo momma is like a Chinese restaurant - All you can eat for only $9.95!

The following is the first fact/joke on this website. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive reentry without a spacesuit. On July 19, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris reentered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3,000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer. I know because I posted it on here.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith were celebrating their silver anniversary with a big party, at which the center of attraction was a huge cake. "This cake was made by my wife`s fair hands, said Mr. Smith proudly. "Every year on our anniversary she makes a cake, and I like to think of them as milestones on our journey through life ¦..

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?" The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

Marriage is like coffee. First it's really hot. Then it's just right. Then it helps you to get off your ass and do things.

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken wasspeeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn`t catch up to the accelerating chicken. Seeing itturn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of thechickens had three legs.The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That`s astonishing!"The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred `em that way because I love drumsticks."Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven`t been able to catch one yet."

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch "People who hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." "Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."

You`re like milk, I just wanna make you part of my complete breakfast.

A customer in a bakery was observed carefully examining all therich-looking pastries displayed on trays in the glass cases.When a clerk approached him and asked, "What would you like?"He answered, "I`d like that chocolate-covered, cream-filled doughnut,that jelly-filled doughnut and that cheese Danish."Then with a sigh he added, "But I`ll take an oat-bran muffin."

This Antartian was out to dinner with some friends and they were talking about states and capitals. The Antartian commented: "I can name every capital to every state and in any order you want!" So the friends wanted to put the Antartian to the test and decided to give it a try. Someone then said: "What is the capital to Wyoming?" The Antartian replied with: "Can't you ask me something harder... the capital of Wyoming is easy... its W!"

Steve, Bob and Jeff are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, Steve falls off. He is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve's body, Bob and Jeff realize they'll have to inform his wife. Bob says he's good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer. "So did you tell her?" asks Jeff. "Yep", replies Bob. "Say, where did you get the six-pack?" Bob informs Jeff. "She gave it to me." "WHAT?" exclaims Jeff, "you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack?" "Sure," Bob says. "WHY?" asks Jeff. "Well," Bob continues, "when she answered the door, I asked her, 'are you Steve's widow?' 'Widow?', she said, 'no, no, you're mistaken, I'm not a widow!' So I said: "I'll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'"

Once, while dining in a fancy New York restaurant, Chuck Norris discovered a fly in his soup. There were no survivors.

The Soup Nazi lets Chuck Norris have as much soup as he wants.

Crop circles aren't made by aliens -- it's just Chuck Norris playing with his cereal.