Chuck Norris knows what's eating Gilbert Grape.

How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M's.

At 8 years old...you put milk in your glass At 18 years old...you put beer in your glass At 80 years old... you put your teeth in your glass.

What should you do if you have a basset hound over for dinner? Have a short table!

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching." -Andrew, Age 9 "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." -Rocky, age 9 "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." -Stephanie, age 8 "Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." -Lamar, age 10 "Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." -Carrol, age 9 "Never bug a pregnant mom." -Nicholas, age 11 "Don't ever be too full for dessert." -Kelly, age 10 "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." -Heather, age 16 "Never tell your mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14 "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 12 "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13 "Never try to baptize a cat." -Laura, age 13 "Never spit when on a roller coaster." -Scott, age 11 "Never do pranks at a police station." -Sam, age 10 "Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." -Rob, age 10 "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." -Hank, age 12 "Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand." -Molly, age 11 "Listen to your brain. It has lots of information." -Chelsey, age 7 "Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9 "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." -Phillip, age 13 "Forget the cake, go for the icing." -Cynthia, age 8 "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house." -Joanne, age 11 "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." -Matthew, age 12.

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas. After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate. "Just watch," comes the quick retort. And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continue to fly straight and level... After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air, "There! How was that?" The fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, and got a cup of coffee."

The complaint Freda had just finished her fish dinner. She was, however, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter. "I`ve tasted fresher fish," said Freda. "Not in here," replied the waiter.

The world record for eating hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes is 59. Chuck Norris can eat 200, followed by 3 kegs of beer.

Did you hear about the waiter who dropped a Thanksgiving dinner on the floor and feared he had created an international incident? It was the downfall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breaking up of China. How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of a car? Make him sit up front. What horses keep late hours? Nightmares. What does an elf do when it gets home from school? Gnomework What do you call two thousand songbirds? Two Kilo mockingbirds Why was the worker fired from his job in the mattress factory? Because he was caught lying down on the job.. What do you call insects that live in a ant farm? Tenants. What is black and white and green and black and white? Two zebras fighting over a pickle.

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

Good answer Hyman wakes up one morning with a hangover. He forces his eye open and looks around his bedroom. First thing he sees is a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on his bedside table. He sits up and notices everything is so tidy. His clothes are on a chair next to the bed, cleaned and ironed and the bedroom itself is airy, sweet smelling and spotlessly clean. He takes two of the aspirins and slowly walks downstairs. He notices everything is so clean and tidy. Downstairs, on the kitchen door, is a note which reads, "Darling, your breakfast is on the hob. I had to leave early to go shopping. See you soon. Love you. Freda XXXXX." Hyman goes into the kitchen and finds his son Paul watching TV whilst eating his cereal. And there, waiting for him on the hob, as the note said it would be, is his breakfast – scrambled eggs, tomatoes, baked beans and toast. And there is a clean, folded, unread Times newspaper on his chair. Hyman asks, "Paul, what on earth happened last night? I can’t remember a thing." "Well dad," Paul replies, "you came home at one o’clock in the morning very drunk and singing rude songs very loudly. You were sick in the hallway and then you fell over and went to sleep when you tripped over the dog." Hyman is very confused. "Paul, I don’t understand – why is everything so clean and tidy, including my clothes, and why is my favourite breakfast waiting for me? From what you’ve just told me, I don’t deserve any of this." Paul responds, "Oh that’s easy to explain, dad. When mum dragged you upstairs to the bedroom and tried to take off your trousers, you shouted angrily at her, ‘Leave me alone, I`m a married man.’"

Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo" * It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. * Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. * There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun. * The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. * Pound for pound , hamburgers cost more than new cars. * When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. * On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. * In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. * Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches. * Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6. * Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. * The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. * Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one." "I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need...a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.."

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu... Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician: $100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department. "We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough." "How do you know that?" I asked. "Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said. Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

There was a teddy bear who went to work on a building site. On his first day he went off for lunch and left his tools behind. When he came back he noticed that his pick was missing. When he told the foreman the foreman said "Didn't you know today's the day the teddy bears get their picks nicked"

Fact: The closest a fist has ever come to Chuck Norris' face is when he eats. In fact, there's a Hollywood legend that when Chuck Norris eats a hot dog, they have to slow the film down just so you can see it.

Mid-life is... Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film. You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department. Mid-life is when you bounce , but you don't bounce back. Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life... jiggly, yes; jiggy, no. Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally.. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube to and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!" Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?" Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water. You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?