A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love... He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth. The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?" "Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

There were three men working at the top of a building. One was Chinese, one was Mexican, and the other one was Polish. At lunch they went to the edge and the top of the building the Mexican guy pulled out a taco and he said if I get another taco I am gonna jump off this bulding tomorrow. The Chinese guy pulled out fried rice and said if I get fried rice tomorrow I'm gonna jump off with you. The Polish guy pulled out a ham sanwich and said if I get another ham sandwich I'm gonna jump tomorrow with you guys too. The next day the Mexican guy got a taco so he jumped off. The Chinese guy got fried rice so he jumped off. The Polish guy got a ham sandwich so hey jumped off the building. The next day their wives had a triple funeral and the Mexican guy's wife was crying and she said I could have made him a burrito or something. The Chinese guy's wife was cring and said I could have made him some sushi. The Polish guy's wife couldn't stop laughing. The other's asked what was so funny? She stopped for a second and said that he had always made his own lunch.

Diamonds are forever Freda Cohen went down for breakfast in her Miami Beach hotel. She noticed another lady and went to speak to her. "Hello, my dear, you`re not from around here, are you?" "No," replied the second, "I`m from Mars." Freda said "Really, do all Martian women have blue skin like yours?" "Yes." "And do all Martian women have 8 fingers on each hand as you have?" "Yes." "And do all Martian women have an eye on their nose as you have?" "Yes." "And do all Martian women have so many diamonds?" "No... not the goyim."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator?s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave?em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator?s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps. After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals?unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I?ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

Kosher PC My Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a Bris for my computer - he cut a little piece off the tail of my mouse. He also told me that I should buy a kosher computer, called a KPC. If I did, he said I would need to know the differences. The KPC comes with 2 hard drives, one for flayshedig business software and one for milchedig computer games Internet Explorer comes with a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner Microsoft Office includes, “a little byte of this and a little byte of that.” Hava Nagila plays during the KPC boot up The Chanukah screen saver shows Flying Dreidels The KPC automatically shuts down at sundown every Friday The KPC start button is labelled, “Let`s go already, I`m not getting any younger.” When disconnecting external devices from the back of the KPC, the screen message says, "Please remove cable from the tuchus." KPC scandisk opens with the prompt, "You vant I should fix this?" When the KPC processor is working hard, it broadcasts a loud, ‘Oy Gevalt.’ After 30 minutes of inactivity, the KPC goes shloffen. KPC email always opens with "You don`t write and you never call." The KPC options button is labelled, "But on the other hand." When delete is chosen, the KPC Dialogue Box says, "Listen, you never know - you might need this someday. So do you really want to cancel?" The KPC comes with a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz to get rid of shmutz from the monitor. Computer viruses on the KPC are quickly cured with chicken soup.

Children and The BibleThese are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, poor spelling and all!The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.Soloman, one of David`s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.The epistles were the wives of the apostles.Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

What do you like for breakfast?

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact?" "Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

What is long and yellow and always points north? A magnetic banana.

On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her. She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.

Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one day, they all sat down together.The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun.The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So he jumped off the building.The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!" So he ran himself over with a bulldozer.At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled.The first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!"The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!"But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his own lunch."

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A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"

Training Courses Now Available for Men 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back 8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore! 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands. "Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

Wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE.

Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?

These are bits of wisdom gained by a father who was educated by his rather active children. 1. There is no such thing as child proofing your house. 2. A four year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 3. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape. 4. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. 5. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you here the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh" it is already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Chlorox makes smoke, lots of it. 9. A six year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says it can only be done in the movies. 10. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak...it explodes. 11. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house almost 4 inches deep. 12. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old. 13. Duplos will not. 14. Playdough and microwaves should never be used in the same sentence. 15. Superglue is forever. 16. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do. 17. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 18. Marbles in a gas tank make lots of noises when driving. 19. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life .

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."