Food Stuff

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes, all day long. Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes. As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph. Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispers,"The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"

Father Christmas: Excuse me, but did I step on your toes on my way out to get an ice-cream? Lady: You certainly did! Father Christmas: Oh good! That means I'm back in the right row!

Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

Q: How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the lightbulb request, one to say the Last Rites for the old lightbulb, ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the old lightbulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new light bulb , twenty from Chiavettas Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in, and the Monsignor to bless it.

Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!

The hot spot Unusually for a mid August day in Golders Green, it’s very, very hot. Sadie has been busy. She’s washed the floor, made the evening’s roast meal and taken the washing out of the washing machine and hung them up. Then she leaves the house to go pick up some dry cleaning. As Sadie walks to the shops, she’s perspiring profusely so when she comes to a pub, she says to herself, "Gootness, it`s hotter dan hell today, so vy nodt? I must go ged a drink or I’ll pass out." She enters. When the bartender asks what she would like to drink, all she can think of is a cold beer, her Nathan’s favourite drink when he’s hot. So she replies, "Ya know, it is zo hot, I tink I`ll have myself a cold beer." "Anheuser Busch?" asks the bartender. Sadie blushes and replies, "Vell fine, tanks, und how`s yu pecker?"

A guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no, let me see the next room." In the second room, people are standing with shit up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with shit up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room." Satan says okay and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"

1.Make race car noises when people get on and off. 2.Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers. 3.Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!" 4.Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly. 5.Sell Girl Scout Cookies. 6.On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. 7.Shave. 8.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?" 9.Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down. 10.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 11.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 12.Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?" 13.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral." 14.One word: Flatulence! 15.On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom. 16.Do Tai Chi exercises. 17.Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on." 18.When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!" 19.Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20.Meow occasionally. 21.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 22.Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!" 23.Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected. 24.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons. 25.Holler, "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends. 26.Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side. 27.Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator. 28.Burp, then say, "Mmmmm...tasty!" 29.Leave a box between the doors. 30.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. 31.Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it. 32.Start a sing-along. 33.When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?" 34.Play the accordion. 35.Shadow box. 36.Say, "Ding!" at each floor. 37.Lean against the button panel. 38.Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons. 39.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 40.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space." 41.Bring a chair along. 42.Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?" 43.Blow spit bubbles. 44.Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings. 45.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body." 46.Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively. 47.Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. 48.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 49.Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger." 50.If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

What do Cats like to eat for breakfast?. Mice-Krispies.

Q: How do astronauts eat their ice creamsA: In floatsQ: How do you make a dinosaur float?A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur!Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow?A: Ice CreamQ: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?A: Pi a`la mode.

50th Anniversary Moshe and Sadie lived in a retirement home in Hendon and were celebrating their 50th anniversary. Although David, Henry and Alan, their 3 sons, had successful careers, they had been visiting their parents less and less over recent times. Nevertheless, the sons agreed to visit their parents at their home for a special Sunday dinner. As usual, they all arrived late and almost immediately their excuses began. "Happy anniversary mum and dad," spurted David, "I`m sorry I`m late but I had an emergency at the hospital. You know how it is. So I didn’t even have time to stop to get you both a present." "Don’t worry," said Moshe, "the main thing is, we`re together, aren’t we?" Henry then came over. "Hi dad, you`re looking great. And wow, mum, don’t you look good also, you`re looking just like a model. I just got in from Zurich where I closed the big deal I’d been working on for the last 6 months. So I came here straight from Heathrow and I’m sorry but I had no time to buy you both a gift. Next time, eh?" "It`s nothing," said Moshe, " the main thing is we`re all together" Then Alan came in and said, "Hi mum and dad. My firm is sending me to Paris for an important conference, so I’ll have to leave as soon as we’ve finished dinner. I’ve been so busy packing that I didn`t have time to buy you anything." Moshe sighed and replied, "I don`t care as long as I have my 3 sons together." Halfway through the meal, Moshe, in a reflective mood, said, "Now might be a good time to tell you all something that has been on your mother’s and my mind for years. Your mother and I, well, we came to England during the war. We had no money and were desperate and in our struggle to survive, I`m sorry to tell you that we never got around to getting married. We knew we loved each other and after a few years, it didn`t seem so important, so…" The 3 sons gasped, "Dad, do you mean.. do you mean.. we`re bastards?" "Yes,” replied Moshe, “that’s exactly what I do mean and cheap ones, too"

It was a warn Southern California evening when the jury reached a verdict in the O. J. Simpson case. The nation was anxiously awaiting the jury's verdict and newsmen were rapidly arriving on the rumors that the decision would finally be announced. At that moment, Judge Ito was in his backyard Bar-B-Qing filet mignon for the family's evening dinner. The bailiff phoned the Ito residence and when Mrs. Ito answered, requested that the Judge be notified and suggested that the judge should return to the court house as soon as possible. Mrs. Ito refused the bailiff's request because, she insisted, "HIS HONOR WAS AT STEAK." A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it? "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume." demanded Mike. "Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere." "That there is," replied Mike. "'TIS WISE NEVER TO BOOK A JUDGE BY HIS COVER." Noren Eron, the great Norse comic decided to bring his act to America. He booked several shows in the northern states and did well. He then took his act down south, but he realized that the farther south he went, the less the crowd appreciated his act which had the poor guy miffed. When he got to the Deep South, no one got his act at all. After many disappointing sets, he just quit one night and returned to Norway. This goes to show you, ... You should never book a miffed Norse in the south. This was the day that could be the most important day in my career. I had rented three adjoining rooms at the Four Seasons Hotel, where we hoped to work out an agreement that would result in a merger of our firms. I expected some heavy social drinking during our meetings and went to the liquor cabinet to ensure that it was properly stocked. To my horror and chagrin, I found the cabinet filled with bottles of Angastora and little else. I called the manager and demanded that the bottles be removed and the liquor cabinet be better stocked. He refused stating, "You have to take the bitters with the suite."

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You`re so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

And how did you find your steak sir? Well, quite accidentally. I moved this tomato slice and there it was�?

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two. "No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked. "Yeah! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard.

Having her hair done at a West Hempstead, NY, beauty parlor, a woman told a cautionary tale about racial prejudice. The story deserves a wider audience. On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, the woman related, she won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she would stash the quarters in her room. I'll be right back and we'll go to eat," she told her husband and she carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator. As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big... Very big... An intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen, even if one of them is awfully black. But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious, flustered, ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind but knew they surely did; her hesitation about joining them on the elevator was all too obvious. Her face burned. She couldn't just stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed. A second passed, and then another second, and then another. The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore. Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her: Do what they tell you. The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator carpet. A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh. She lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. "When I told my man here to hit the floor," one of the men, the average sized one, told her, "I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am. He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing. She thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they were robbing you? She didn't know. The 3 of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her door they bid her good evening. As she slipped into her room she could hear them laughing while they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband. The next morning flowers were delivered to her room ~ a dozen roses. Attached to each rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill. A card said: "Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years." It was signed, Eddie Murphy and Bodyguard.

Chuck Norris reportedly had coffee with Ted Nugent, but the paparazzi was afraid to take pictures.

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”.