I had lunch with a chess champion the other day. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

There are three women. One is dating, one is engaged, and one is married. They decide to get kinky with their men and really pull out all the stops to make it extra special. The woman who is dating says, “Okay, so I bought black leather, red lipstick, fishnet stockings, and really got crazy. He loved it so much he thinks he’s in love.” The woman who is engaged says, “I showed up to his work after hours wearing only a red coat. Let’s just say he wants to move the wedding date up!” The woman who is married says, “Okay, I really went all out. I got a babysitter for the kids, and bought a black mask and a whip. My husband gets home, goes straight to the fridge, and grabs a beer. Then he plops down on the couch and says, 'Hey Batman! Where the f*ck is dinner?!?'"

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted."The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, "Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn`t be eating here."

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc..." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bo.

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot`s approach "I`ve asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I`ll kick you".The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can`t fly, you complain too much!"

Have you heard the story about the loaf of bread? No. Oh, crumbs.

Q: What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?A: A beer and a mop.

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly. Bill told his driver to go up to the farm house and explain to the owners what had happened. About 1 hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn. "What happened to you?", asked Bill. "Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me," said the driver. "My God, what did you tell them?", asks Clinton. The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig."

Yo momma so fat her favorite food is seconds.

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "Why, it's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches. "Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man". "Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you". "And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot. "A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot. The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word. "Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee". "Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away". By which time the parrot has finished his drink. "Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot. "Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can't wait all night!" Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger. "Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!" Two minutes later the stewardess returns but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane. As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"

The doctor had just completed his examination of the gorgeous redhaired beauty. "I would suggest to you, young lady," began the medic, as he regained som of his professional dignity, "that you discontinue some of your running around. Stop drinking so much, cut down on your smoking, and above all you will have to start eating properly and getting to bed early." Then, as a pleasant afterthought, he added: "Why not have dinner with me tonight? I'll see to it that you have the proper food and that you'll be in bed by 9:00!"

Hey man, I`m A Panda A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn`t pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey, man, I`m a PANDA! Look it up!" The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. Atheism is a nonprophet organization. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? It there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? Where do forest rangers go "to get away from it all?" What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Why do they lock gas stations bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I was going to buy you a card, with hearts of pink and red, But then I thought I'd rather spend the money on me instead. It's awfully hard to buy things when one's allowance is so small, So I guess you're pretty lucky I got you anything at all. Happy Mother's Day to you, there I said it, now I'm done, Now how about getting out of bed and cooking breakfast for your son.

"This birthday cake certainly is crunchy." "Maybe you should spit out the plate!"

Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

You must be Chinese if: You don`t have matching bedding. You don`t have matching dishes. At least one person in your family owns or knows how to use a sewing machine. You don`t have matching hangers in your closet. You have or have had a fish tank in your living room. You`re a Costco member. You never really bought a calendar in your life; you always got the free ones with movies stars or nature scenes from grocery stores. You`ve been to 99 Ranch Market at least once in your life. You`re amused when Americans think Chinese fast food is good. You dilute your dishwasher soap with water when your running out so it`ll last a little longer. You don`t really own Tupperware, you store food in bowls or pots covered in plastic wrap. You feel awkward when someone asks you to leave your shoes on in their house. If you have a dog, you feed it left over rice with some food instead of real dog food. Someone in your family has a fixed up Honda/Acura. You have something covering your kitchen table to keep it clean. You kiss up to relatives when it comes close to new year. You collect and recycle for the extra money. You`ll spend for name brand clothes but keep condiments from fast food places. You have instant noodles in your house. You can`t go more that five days without rice. You`ve had at least one hair cut from your mom or dad. You don`t really own a mop, you just use a old t-shirt instead. You hate it when your parents boil Chinese herbs because it stinks. You have lup cheung in your fridge. You have owned the same vacuum cleaner longer than 5 years. You only drink soup from Chinese spoons not Western spoons. You work out so hard but still look like the average Asian. You eat spaghetti at home with chopsticks You have at least one relative who lives within an hour drive. Your mother has a short-haired, curly perm. Your dad is some sort of engineer. Your parents have tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15. You ask your parents help on one math problem and two hours later they`re still lecturing. You have a 40lb. bag of rice in your pantry. You shop 99 Ranch Market. You`ve had a bowl haircut at one point in your life. Your parents enjoy comparing you to their friends` kids. Your parents say, "Don`t forget your heritage." You drive mostly Japanese cars. You`ve learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom. You`ve had to eat parts of animals they don`t even put in hot dogs. At least once, you`ve started a joke with "Confucius say. . . " You know what bok choy is. You`ve ever gotten little red envelopes around February. Piles of shoes tend to make it hard to open the front, back and closet doors. You hear + yah!) every time someone calls you.. You have NO eyelashes. Idiot people try to impress you with pathetic imitation Asian languages, like the ever-so-popular: ching chong woo bok chi, etc ... Your parents say leaving rice in your bowl is a sin. The Bio lectures on marine life was last night`s dinner. Your ancestors 1000 generations back invented the back scratcher. At least one family member wears black wire/plastic frame glasses. Your parents hover over your tired, caffeine-drugged body at 12 midnight to say, "In China, we studied even more." Your parents expect you`ll be best friends with anyone off the street in any given area as long as they are Asian. An Asian woman comes on campus and people ask: "Is that your mother? Well then, is it your sister?" Your relatives` houses smell like incense, mothballs or both. Your parents say, "Calculus? I took calculus in 8th grade!" . Everyone thinks you`re good at math. Your parents` vocabulary is filled with "Ai-yahs and Wah`s". You like $1.75 movies. You like $1.50 movies even more. Your aunts and uncles bring you back adorable clothing from Asia with fuzzy bunnies, vinyl ducks and English words that make no sense, in great colors like yellow, pink, magenta, orange and the ever popular lime green. Your parents insist you marry within your race. You never order chop suey, sweet and sour pork, or any other imitation oriental food. You either really, really want to go to UCI or really, really want to stay away from it. Your parents have never kissed you. Your parents have never kissed each other. You learned about the birds and the bees from someone other than your parents. "You want a stereo!" When I was your age, I didn`t even have shoes!" People see a bunch of scribbles on a chopstick and ask you to translate. You have to call just about all your parent`s friends "Auntie and Uncle." You have 12+ aunts and uncles. At expensive restaurants, you order a glass of water for your beverage a never order dessert. Your parents simply cut the green/black part off the bread and say "Eat it anyway. It`s still good." The vast majority of the people related to you wear glasses. Thick glasses. You are taller than your parents. Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both. You get nothing if you do well in school, but crapped on if you don`t . When going to other peoples` houses, you always have to bring a gift. Your dad still pulls his socks up to his knees, you know, the ones with the blue and pink stripes at the top. Your family owns a tennis racquet, golf clubs, or both. The furniture in your house never matches the wallpaper, the carpet, the decorations or any of the rest of the furniture. You have rocks, sticks, leaves and strange-smelling, unknown substances in your pantry for use as medicine. You own two rice cooker You buy soy sauce by the gallon. Your family owns butcher knives bigger than your head. Your parents tell you about how long it took for them to get to school, how horrible the weather was in their native country, and how much they still appreciated going. Your parents buy you clothes and shoes many sizes too big so you can "grow into it" and wear it for years to come. Your parents ask your teachers to give you more homework. Your friends swear they saw you on public television playing violin at a recital. You`ll forward this to all your Asian friends. You keep fresh garlic and ginger in the kitchen at all times. You`ve seen every Bruce Lee movie ever made. You still have your old slide rule. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don`t eat the last piece of food on the table. Your parents still use a clothes line. You have stuff in your freezer from since the beginning of time. You reuse tea bags. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you`re sick. You have a drawer full of used pens, most of which don`t write anymore. You never order chop suey or egg foo young. You have a relative or friend who works as a waiter or cook. You suck on salty preserved seeds for a sore throat. You know what the term "FOB" and "ABC" means. Your parent`s lifelong ambition is to go to Las Vegas. Your folks never speak under 10 decibels at family gatherings. You were told you all look alike. You never made the school football or basketball team. Your grandmother smell like mothballs. You unwrap Christmas gifts very carefully to save and reuse wrappings and bows. You know how to pinch someone with your toes. You would drive around the block 10 times rather than pay for parking. You eat rice for breakfast. Your friends and everybody else assume you know Kung Fu. The main topic at family get-together`s is food. You have two middle initials instead of one. You have clothes in your closet that is coming back in style. You laugh at Chung King commercials. You pick your teeth at the dinner table, but you cover your mouth. You would prefer your fish entree staring at you on the dinner table. You know all the waiters at your favorite Chinese restaurant. You buy rice in 50 pound sacks. Your living room sofas have covers on them. Your parents or relatives have goldfish swimming in an aquarium. You have a piano in the living room. You received little red envelopes containing money on special occasions. You have piles of shoes and slippers blocking the entrances to your home. You have a vinyl tablecloth on your kitchen table. You have at least one family member who wears black wire or plastic framed glasses. You use the underside of a porcelain bowl to sharpen your knives. You either love or hate "mooncakes". You hated that black herb medicine that your parents forced you to drink when you were sick. You prefer your chicken and shrimp served with heads and feet still attached. You always drink tea after a meal.

Here's a lame one... What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream? Chocolate-chip cookie DOH!

A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don`t serve food here".