THE GAG TEST: Anything that makes you gag is spoiled . EGGS: When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime. DAIRY PRODUCTS: Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind. MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. FROZEN FOODS: Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife. EXPIRATION DATES: This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen. MEAT: If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled. BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles. SALT: It never spoils. CANNED GOODS: Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully. CARROTS: A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh. RAISINS AND SULTANAS: Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth. POTATOES: Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth. CHIP DIP: If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad. EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid. UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane, someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims, "Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead Elvis! How have you been?" Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face. Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like Elvis." The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it." The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your number one fan! It's so great to see you!" "Shut up, you imbecile. I'm not Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby speeds up to the hotel. Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I knew this day would happen. We saved everything just the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!" Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says, "Thank you... Thank you very much!"

Whats the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beefbut no1 can pee soup.

Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other "I don't like your friend." The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."

10. Cats' facial expressions 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors 8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds 7. Fat clothes 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow 3. Eyelash curlers 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made And the number One thing only women understand: 1. OTHER WOMEN.

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, “It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though. As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it, "I SPIT IN THIS BEER", and walks to the bathroom. When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying, "I SPIT IN IT TOO".

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning he would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the testicles and time how long it takes for you to get back up. Then you kick me in the testicles and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman put on the heaviest pair of boots he could find. He took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked him as hard as he could in the testicles. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his groin, howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman smiled and said, "Ye can keep the damn egg!"

Chuck Norris knows what's eating Gilbert Grape.

How many Wake Forest fraternity brothers does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seventeen. One to do it and sixteen to shell the M&M's.

At 8 years old...you put milk in your glass At 18 years old...you put beer in your glass At 80 years old... you put your teeth in your glass.

What should you do if you have a basset hound over for dinner? Have a short table!

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

"Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching." -Andrew, Age 9 "Wear a hat when feeding seagulls." -Rocky, age 9 "Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning." -Stephanie, age 8 "Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower." -Lamar, age 10 "Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes." -Carrol, age 9 "Never bug a pregnant mom." -Nicholas, age 11 "Don't ever be too full for dessert." -Kelly, age 10 "When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him." -Heather, age 16 "Never tell your mom her diet's not working." -Michael, age 14 "Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat." -Joel, age 12 "When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone." -Alyesha, age 13 "Never try to baptize a cat." -Laura, age 13 "Never spit when on a roller coaster." -Scott, age 11 "Never do pranks at a police station." -Sam, age 10 "Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving." -Rob, age 10 "Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do." -Hank, age 12 "Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand." -Molly, age 11 "Listen to your brain. It has lots of information." -Chelsey, age 7 "Stay away from prunes." -Randy, age 9 "Never dare your little brother to paint the family car." -Phillip, age 13 "Forget the cake, go for the icing." -Cynthia, age 8 "Remember the two places you are always welcome-church and Grandma's house." -Joanne, age 11 "When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents." -Matthew, age 12.

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft. The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas. After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about." Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate. "Just watch," comes the quick retort. And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continue to fly straight and level... After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air, "There! How was that?" The fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?" And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, and got a cup of coffee."

The complaint Freda had just finished her fish dinner. She was, however, not at all happy with it, so she called over the waiter. "I`ve tasted fresher fish," said Freda. "Not in here," replied the waiter.

The world record for eating hot dogs and buns in 10 minutes is 59. Chuck Norris can eat 200, followed by 3 kegs of beer.

Did you hear about the waiter who dropped a Thanksgiving dinner on the floor and feared he had created an international incident? It was the downfall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breaking up of China. How do you stop a dog from barking in the back seat of a car? Make him sit up front. What horses keep late hours? Nightmares. What does an elf do when it gets home from school? Gnomework What do you call two thousand songbirds? Two Kilo mockingbirds Why was the worker fired from his job in the mattress factory? Because he was caught lying down on the job.. What do you call insects that live in a ant farm? Tenants. What is black and white and green and black and white? Two zebras fighting over a pickle.

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul, "white man sit on well."

Good answer Hyman wakes up one morning with a hangover. He forces his eye open and looks around his bedroom. First thing he sees is a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on his bedside table. He sits up and notices everything is so tidy. His clothes are on a chair next to the bed, cleaned and ironed and the bedroom itself is airy, sweet smelling and spotlessly clean. He takes two of the aspirins and slowly walks downstairs. He notices everything is so clean and tidy. Downstairs, on the kitchen door, is a note which reads, "Darling, your breakfast is on the hob. I had to leave early to go shopping. See you soon. Love you. Freda XXXXX." Hyman goes into the kitchen and finds his son Paul watching TV whilst eating his cereal. And there, waiting for him on the hob, as the note said it would be, is his breakfast – scrambled eggs, tomatoes, baked beans and toast. And there is a clean, folded, unread Times newspaper on his chair. Hyman asks, "Paul, what on earth happened last night? I can’t remember a thing." "Well dad," Paul replies, "you came home at one o’clock in the morning very drunk and singing rude songs very loudly. You were sick in the hallway and then you fell over and went to sleep when you tripped over the dog." Hyman is very confused. "Paul, I don’t understand – why is everything so clean and tidy, including my clothes, and why is my favourite breakfast waiting for me? From what you’ve just told me, I don’t deserve any of this." Paul responds, "Oh that’s easy to explain, dad. When mum dragged you upstairs to the bedroom and tried to take off your trousers, you shouted angrily at her, ‘Leave me alone, I`m a married man.’"