A macho man married a beautiful young thing. On their honeymoon, he laid down the rules. "Now here's the way it's gonna be: I'll go hunting or fishing or card-playing or drinking with my buddies anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll come home anytime I want to, with no hassle from you. And I'll expect dinner to be on the table whenever I get here, with no hassle from you. Those are my rules. Do you understand?" His new bride smiled sweetly and said, "Of course, dear. That's fine. But I have one little rule of my own: I'm gonna have sex here every night at seven o'clock-whether you're here or not!"

Shul goer As Daniel and his wife Naomi are coming out of shul one shabbes, she says to him, "That Robson girl has put on a lot of weight, dear. Maybe she’s pregnant. What do you think?" "The Robson girl? If she was there, I didn`t see her," replies Daniel. "And did you see that flirty Sharon Kay winking at the boys? Disgraceful, don’t you think, dear?" "I must have been looking the other way when this happened," he replies. "And what do you think about the short dress Rivkah Levy was wearing? That can’t be the right thing for a mother of three children to wear in shul. Don’t you agree, dear?" asks Naomi. "Sorry darling," replies Daniel, "but I didn’t notice her dress." "Well then, you must have seen Kitty Usum drinking all those glasses of wine during Kiddush," she says. "I wasn`t watching Kitty," says Daniel. "Oh for goodness sake," shouts Naomi, "I don’t know why you bother to go to shul these days."

HER STORY: He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he’s STILL acting a bit funny and I’m trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it’s me or something else. I ask him, and he says no. But you know I’m not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I’m wondering if he’s going to dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I’m going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else? HIS STORY: Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient."I`m diabetic and I`m afraid I`ve had too much sugar today." the caller said."Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked."No," the caller answered, "I`m a brunette."

A man who drank only beer all his life walked into his regular bar. He asks the bartender, give me a shot of wiskey fast. The bartender says to the man,you have been coming in here for years and all you drink is beer. What seems to be the trouble? The man replys: I just found out my first son is gay.The bartender says ,sorry to hear that. The man drank his drink and left. The next day the same man entered the bar. Bartender give me another shot make it a double! The bartender says what seems to be the problem today? The man repled, I just found out my second son is gay.The bartender replys sorry to hear that. The man drinks his drink and leaves. The next day the same man comes in and says: bartender give me the FUCKING bottle! Then the bartender asks: doesn't anyone in your family like pussy? The man said: yah, my wife.

Fat TheologyAnd God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetable of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.And Satan created McDonald`s. And McDonald`s brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.And Satan brought forth chocolate. And woman gained pounds.And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."And Satan brought forth ice cream. And woman gained pounds.And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.And Man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.And Man gained pounds.And God said, "You`re running up the score, Devil."And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.And Satan saw and said, "It is good."And Man went into cardiac arrest.And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.And Satan created HMOs.

Cabbage always has a heart; Green beans string along. You're such a Tomato, Will you Peas to me belong? You've been the Apple of my eye, You know how much I care; So Lettuce get together, We'd make a perfect Pear. Now, something's sure to Turnip, To prove you can't be Beet; So, if you Carrot all for me Let's let our Tulips meet. Don't Squash my hopes and dreams now, Bee my Honey, dear; Or tears will fill Potato's eyes, While Sweet Corn lends an ear. I'll Cauliflower shop and say Your dreams are Parsley mine. I'll work and share my Celery, So be my Valentine.

A man went in to the bank and asked to see the man who arranged the loans. 'I'm sorry, sir,' said a cashier, 'the loan arranger is out to lunch.' 'Can I speak to Tonto, then?' asked the man.

Most women don't know where to look when they're eating a banana.

Can I get you a cold banana?

A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?" The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it." So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."

Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

By Rick Steelhammer I realized Valentine's Day was rapidly approaching when my shopping cart collided with a rack of boxer shorts decorated with dancing hearts and open-armed teddy bears while making the rounds at my neighborhood all-night discount store. Figuring out what to buy for Valentine's Day has always been a problem for me. Deciding what not to buy is easier, as in the case of the festive holiday boxers, but doesn't solve the initial problem. Consultations with a variety of Web sites showed me that there is no shortage of gift ideas out there, but I'm still hard-pressed to decide what to get. I've narrowed it down to something between a $250,000 Neiman-Marcus/Nature Conservancy offer to donate a scenic, ecologically important parcel of land in my significant other's name to Wal-Mart's Valentine's suggestion of a Remington nose and ear hair trimmer, which lists for $9.96. I'm hoping to avoid joining the ranks of thousands of other guys who find themselves desperately cruising the all-night groceries, truck stops and convenience stores on the wee hours of Feb. 14, looking for a gift that won't disappoint their sweethearts. But you can go crazy finding the perfect gift. Actually, losing your head is nothing new when it comes to Valentine's Day. Contrary to popular male legend, the holiday was not the brainstorm of the greeting card industry, but a tribute to Valentinus, a bishop of Rome in 269. Valentinus ignored an edict by Emperor Claudius forbidding Roman soldiers from marriage, to prevent them from leaving the army for family life. Valentinus was discovered presiding over secret marriage ceremonies for soldiers and their women and imprisoned. While in jail, he miraculously restored the sight of a blind girl. According to the legend, just before he was beheaded on Feb. 14, 269, he sent the girl a note signed "From your Valentine." The rest, as they say, is history -- though I have a little trouble understanding how a tribute to a beheaded martyr has evolved into an observance marked by the exchange of chocolate-covered cherries and heart-festooned underpants. Even the rounded, triangular-shaped design used to depict the heart bears little resemblance to the pump that distributes blood through the Valentine-buying public. Fact is, it much more closely resembles the prostate gland, which middle-aged males like me worry about at least as much as our hearts. But there's little chance that we'll see Valentine greeting cards with copy like this: "Be with me, love Come hold my hand I feel your presence In my prostate gland."

Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with.

The Feline DietMost diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet! This diet will also work on humans! Except for cats that eat like people -- such as getting lots of table scraps -- most cats are long and lean . the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you`ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what constitutes food. Good Luck!DAY ONEBreakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more the .75 per can -- and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.Dinner: Catch a moth and play with it until it is almost dead. Eat one wing. Leave the rest to die.Bedtime snack: Steal one green bean from your spouse`s or partner`s plate. Bat it around the floor until it goes under the refrigerator. Steal one small piece of chicken and eat half of it. Leave the other half on the sofa. Throw out the remaining gourmet cat food from the can you opened this morning.DAY TWOBreakfast: Picking up the remaining chicken bite from the sofa. Knock it onto the carpet and bat it under the television set. Chew on the corner of the newspaper as your spouse/partner tries to read it.Lunch: Break into the fresh French bread that you bought as your part of the dinner party on Saturday. Lick the top of it all over. Take one bite out of the middle of the loaf.Afternoon snack: Catch a large beetle and bring it into the house. Play toss and catch with it until it is mushy and half dead. Allow it to escape under the bed.Dinner: Open a fresh can of dark-colored gourmet cat food -- tuna or beef works well. Eat it voraciously. Walk from your kitchen to the edge of the living room rug. Promptly throw up on the rug. Step into it as you leave. Track footprints across the entire room.DAY THREEBreakfast: Drink part of the milk from your spouse`s or partner`s cereal bowl when no one is looking. Splatter part of it on the closest polished aluminum appliance you can find.Lunch: Catch a small bird and bring it into the house. Play with on top of your down filled comforter. Make sure the bird is seriously injured but not dead before you abandon it for someone else to have to deal with.Dinner: Beg and cry until you are given some ice cream or milk in a bowl of your own. Take three licks/laps and then turn the bowl over on the floor.FINAL DAYBreakfast: Eat 6 bugs, any type, being sure to leave a collection of legs, wings, antennae on the bathroom floor. Drink lots of water. Throw the bugs and all of the water up on your spouse`s or partner`s pillow.Lunch: Remove the chicken skin from last night`s chicken-to-go leftovers your spouse or partner placed in the trash can. Drag the skin across the floor several times. Chew it in a corner and then abandon.Dinner: Open another can of expensive gourmet cat food. Select a flavor that is especially runny, like Chicken and Giblets in Gravy. Lick off all the gravy and leave the actual meat to dry and get hard.

Knock Knock Who's there! Bean! Bean who? Bean working very hard today!

Peter Pan once woke-up Chuck Norris at 5:00 AM in the morning. As a result, Cuck Norris made Pancakes for breakfast.

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee Have you tried taking the spoon out?

If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles: The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, The South has 'mater samiches. The North has coffee houses, The South has Waffle Houses. The North has switchblade knives, The South has Lee Press on Nails. The North has double last names, The South has double first names. The North has Ted Kennedy, The South has Jesse Helms. The North has an ambulance, The South has an amalance. The North has the Mafia, The South has the Klan. The North has Indy car races, The South has stock car races. The North has Cream of Wheat, The South has grits. The North has green salads, The South has collard greens. The North has lobsters, The South has craw dads. The North has the rust belt, The South has the Bible Belt. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Don't buy food at this store. Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all a'll's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?" You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!" Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that "He needed kill'n" is a valid defense here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim. In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway. If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Endearing terms It’s Daniel and Rivkah’s 50th wedding anniversary and to celebrate, their son Aaron invites the close family to a Golden Wedding dinner at his house. During the evening, Aaron gets very emotional every time he hears his dad call his mum by such endearing terms as ‘darling’, ‘petal’, ‘sweetheart’ and ‘my lover.’ It’s clear to Aaron that his parents are still very much in love. While Rivkah is out the room, Aaron goes over to his father, kisses him and quietly says, "Dad, I’m so pleased for you both. I think it`s fantastic that after 50 years you’re still calling mum by those loving pet names." But Daniel, looking very embarrassed, says, "Things are not always what they seem to be, son. I must tell you the truth - I forgot your mother’s name about 5 years ago."