Dr. Seuss coined the word "nerd" in his 1950 book "If I Ran the Zoo" * It takes 3000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs. * Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. * There are an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun. * The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. * Pound for pound , hamburgers cost more than new cars. * When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year. * On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year. * In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. * Average lifespan of a major league baseball: 5 pitches. * Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years. Average age of the Rolling Stones: 50.6. * Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can. * The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. * Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"

Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? JUST one." "I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um... okay." Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need...a man..." His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.."

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu... Broiled Missionary: $10.00 Fried Explorer: $15.00 Baked Politician: $100.00. The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?" The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"

One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department. "We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough." "How do you know that?" I asked. "Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said. Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

There was a teddy bear who went to work on a building site. On his first day he went off for lunch and left his tools behind. When he came back he noticed that his pick was missing. When he told the foreman the foreman said "Didn't you know today's the day the teddy bears get their picks nicked"

Fact: The closest a fist has ever come to Chuck Norris' face is when he eats. In fact, there's a Hollywood legend that when Chuck Norris eats a hot dog, they have to slow the film down just so you can see it.

Mid-life is... Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag. Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around. You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film. You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department. Mid-life is when you bounce , but you don't bounce back. Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones. It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life... jiggly, yes; jiggy, no. Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally.. Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube to and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!" Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?" Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water. You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions-- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?" So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperm and eggs etc. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, men and women and love... He thinks what the hell, and tells her the works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to tell truth. The girl is somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, "So why did you wish to know about sex?" "Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

There were three men working at the top of a building. One was Chinese, one was Mexican, and the other one was Polish. At lunch they went to the edge and the top of the building the Mexican guy pulled out a taco and he said if I get another taco I am gonna jump off this bulding tomorrow. The Chinese guy pulled out fried rice and said if I get fried rice tomorrow I'm gonna jump off with you. The Polish guy pulled out a ham sanwich and said if I get another ham sandwich I'm gonna jump tomorrow with you guys too. The next day the Mexican guy got a taco so he jumped off. The Chinese guy got fried rice so he jumped off. The Polish guy got a ham sandwich so hey jumped off the building. The next day their wives had a triple funeral and the Mexican guy's wife was crying and she said I could have made him a burrito or something. The Chinese guy's wife was cring and said I could have made him some sushi. The Polish guy's wife couldn't stop laughing. The other's asked what was so funny? She stopped for a second and said that he had always made his own lunch.

Diamonds are forever Freda Cohen went down for breakfast in her Miami Beach hotel. She noticed another lady and went to speak to her. "Hello, my dear, you`re not from around here, are you?" "No," replied the second, "I`m from Mars." Freda said "Really, do all Martian women have blue skin like yours?" "Yes." "And do all Martian women have 8 fingers on each hand as you have?" "Yes." "And do all Martian women have an eye on their nose as you have?" "Yes." "And do all Martian women have so many diamonds?" "No... not the goyim."

A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator?s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave?em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?" The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator?s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps. After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals?unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered. "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd. After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up. "I?ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

Kosher PC My Rabbi came over yesterday and we had a Bris for my computer - he cut a little piece off the tail of my mouse. He also told me that I should buy a kosher computer, called a KPC. If I did, he said I would need to know the differences. The KPC comes with 2 hard drives, one for flayshedig business software and one for milchedig computer games Internet Explorer comes with a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner Microsoft Office includes, “a little byte of this and a little byte of that.” Hava Nagila plays during the KPC boot up The Chanukah screen saver shows Flying Dreidels The KPC automatically shuts down at sundown every Friday The KPC start button is labelled, “Let`s go already, I`m not getting any younger.” When disconnecting external devices from the back of the KPC, the screen message says, "Please remove cable from the tuchus." KPC scandisk opens with the prompt, "You vant I should fix this?" When the KPC processor is working hard, it broadcasts a loud, ‘Oy Gevalt.’ After 30 minutes of inactivity, the KPC goes shloffen. KPC email always opens with "You don`t write and you never call." The KPC options button is labelled, "But on the other hand." When delete is chosen, the KPC Dialogue Box says, "Listen, you never know - you might need this someday. So do you really want to cancel?" The KPC comes with a monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz to get rid of shmutz from the monitor. Computer viruses on the KPC are quickly cured with chicken soup.

Children and The BibleThese are written by children and have not been retouched or corrected, poor spelling and all!The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. Moses died before he ever reached Canada.David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.Soloman, one of David`s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.The epistles were the wives of the apostles.Most religions teach us to have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

What do you like for breakfast?

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented. He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact?" "Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."

What is long and yellow and always points north? A magnetic banana.

On the Listening Tour, Hillary was pleased and proud that the local sandwich shop in a town she was visiting had named a sandwich after her. She was somewhat less pleased after she found out what was in it. "Mostly baloney," said the proprietor.

Once there were three construction workers. When it was lunchtime one day, they all sat down together.The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, turkey! I hate turkey!" So he shot himself with a rivet gun.The second one opened his lunchbox and said, "Eeew, ham! I hate ham!" So he jumped off the building.The third one opened his box and said, "Eeew, mac and cheese! I hate mac and cheese!" So he ran himself over with a bulldozer.At the funeral, their three wives were talking about their lost husbands. The first two were very sad, but the third was rather puzzled.The first wife said, "I thought he liked turkey!"The second one said, "I thought he liked ham!"But the third one was still puzzled. She said, "I thought he packed his own lunch."

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