A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things." "Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness". Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"

Training Courses Now Available for Men 1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop 2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge 3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral 4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead 5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference! 6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away 7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back 8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore! 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In 10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In 11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink 12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill 15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts 16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves 17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel! 18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means 19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's 20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category 21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote 22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh 23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet 24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed 25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It! 26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty 27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them 28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime 29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands. "Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."

Wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards. NAIVE.

Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?

These are bits of wisdom gained by a father who was educated by his rather active children. 1. There is no such thing as child proofing your house. 2. A four year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 3. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape. 4. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. 5. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 6. The glass in windows doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you here the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh" it is already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Chlorox makes smoke, lots of it. 9. A six year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says it can only be done in the movies. 10. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak...it explodes. 11. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house almost 4 inches deep. 12. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4 year old. 13. Duplos will not. 14. Playdough and microwaves should never be used in the same sentence. 15. Superglue is forever. 16. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do. 17. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 18. Marbles in a gas tank make lots of noises when driving. 19. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. 20. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 24. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life .

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

Just in case you haven't finished your Christmas shopping yet, here are a few suggestions. With Christmas coming, this is surely going to be a big help! Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. Rule #7: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Wilson Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #11: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Yo mamma is so fat, the only good grade she got in school was an "A" in lunch.

CHRISTMAS PARTY ***************************************************** FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 1 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon, in the banquet room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. And, don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 P.M. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family, Patty ============================================ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 2 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree present. No, Christmas carols sung. We will have other type of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you and your family, Patty ============================================ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 3 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is very little for a gift. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. ============================================ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 7 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party-the days are so short this time of year-or else package everything for take home in little foil swans. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet. Pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed, though. We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood problems to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything? Patty ============================================ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 8 RE: Holiday Party So, December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...? What do you expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based Goddess-worshiping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay? Patty ============================================ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 9 RE: Holiday Party People, people! Nothing sinister was intended by having our CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween, or family feuds over the thanksgiving turkey, or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up? Please? Also, the company has changed their mind in announcing the special announcement at the gathering. You will get a notification in the mail sent to your home. ============================================ FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All #&$**@ Employees DATE: December 10 RE: The #*&^@*^ Holiday Party I have no #&*@*^ idea what the announcement is all about. What the #&^!@ do I care...? I KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO GET! You change your address now and your are dead! No more changes of address will be allowed in my office. Try to come in and change your address, I will have you hung from the ceiling in the warehouse! Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people! We're going to keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$^&*! salad bar. Including hydroponic tomatoes. But you know, they have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right now! HA! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die you hear me! The @%&*%$ from #*!@&! ============================================ FROM: Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 14 RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy Holidays!

Q: What's the difference between Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us? A: In order for us to get some dick in the White House, we had to go out and vote. Q: How will history remember Bill Clinton? A: The President after Bush. Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy? A: One tries to hump the leg of every woman in the White House, the other is a chocolate Lab. Q: What does Clinton say to interns as they leave his office? A: "Don't hit your head on the desk." Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President's Day? A: All pants half off. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and the Buffalo Bills have in common? A: They both blew the big one several times. Q: What was the first thing Monica saw in government? A: The Executive Branch. Q: What do Monica Lewinsky and soda pop machines have in common? A: They both have slots which say "Insert Bill" here." Q: What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? A: This time we know who Deep Throat is. Q: What's the recipe for Clinton stew? A: A small weenie in hot water. Q: What are the ingredients for the new, improved Clinton stew? A: One wiener, one tongue, one cooked goose, lots of spilled beans and hot water. Q: What did Clinton say when asked if he had used protection? A: "Sure, there was a guard standing right outside the door." Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver? A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns. Q: How do you know Bill Clinton is done having sex? A: You have to wipe the "White-Water" off your blouse...

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.

He other day, it was my turn to prepare dinner, so I asked my wife to go over to the local market and buy some organic vegetables.She came back rather upset. When I asked her what was wrong, she said, "I don`t think I like that produce guy. I went and lookedaround for your organic vegetables and I couldn`t find any. So I asked him where the organic vegetables were.""He didn`t know what I was talking about, so I said, `These vegetables are for my husband. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?`""And he said, `No, ma`am. You`ll have to do that yourself.`"

Jewish film titles Oy of the Beholder - Singles kvetch about their awful partners. Girls Interrupted - Women`s section of shul are told to be quiet during davening. Seder House Rules - Zeda explains the law on Pesach. Angela`s Kashas - Woman tells all her secret recipes. Supernova - Rocket scientists discover powerful strain of lox. Dredel Will Rock - Toy comes alive during Chanukah. Sleepy Halah - It`s Friday and dad fills up on bread then dozes off. Goys Don`t Cry - Rabbi explains why only Jews celebrate Tisha B`Av. Goy Story 2 - Issy divorces shiksa, then marries another. Mun on the Moon - Astronauts find hamentashen filling on the moon Stuart Ladle - Mouse makes chicken soup for shabbos. The End of the Affair - Sheva Brachos finishes at 3am.

Calling in Sick... A Cat Owner's Story Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable because no matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating to reveal. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. In this case, the truth hurt. I mean it really hurt in the place men feel the most pain. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. As the daily routine prescribes, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!" she hearkened. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." "You know where the button is." I protested through the shower . "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" Pause. "C'mon, it'll only take a second." No logical assurance about how a disposal can't start itself will calm the fears of a person who suffers from "Big-ol-scary-machinephobia," a condition brought on by watching too many Stephen King movies. It is futile to argue or explain, kind of like Lloyd Bentsen telling Americans they are over-taxed. And if a poltergeist did, in fact, possess the disposal, and she was ground into round, I'd have to live with that the rest of my life. So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence but it was I who would suffer. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She ("Buttons" aka "the Grater") had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well-trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step procedure. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome; men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. My wife told me I should be flattered. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this, " Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."

Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.

What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.

Stumpy prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving. In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again.That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Stumpy`s face dropped as the guest called out, "It`s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out."