A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home- made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"

Q: What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner? A: The cold shoulder.

If tomatoes are a fruit, isn't ketchup a smoothie?

Two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation.the bald guy says he cant afford it.so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares.

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..." The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers" "Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."

Chuck Norris eats soup with a fork, KFC with chopsticks, and bananas with his feet.

The secret to a long marriage is that we take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays. I go on Fridays.

Chuck Norris ate Hannibal Lecter`s liver. With some fava beans, and a nice keg of beer.

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. Theywere used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again, he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything. " What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "The Teeth"

What are some outstanding hamburger colleges? Brandeis, Cowlifornia State, Hoofstra, Pen State, Ranchelaer Polytechnic, Burgereley and Moosouri!

Waiter, waiter! There's a wasp in my dessert. So that's where they go to in the winter.

Chuck Norris brews coffee with his bare hands.

When a cop pulls over Chuck Norris for drinking and driving the cop is just making sure that he doesn't spill his beer.

Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon? Reports say that the food is good but no atmosphere!

The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he'd heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike. When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, "What's the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?" "My sense of humor is fine," he said. "But I don't have to laugh. I'm quitting tomorrow."

How does a witch make scrambled eggs? She holds the pan and gets two friends to make the stove shake with fright.

The unhappy woman One day, whilst Hette Levine was out shopping in Brent Cross, she noticed an old lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. Hette stopped and asked her what was wrong. The old lady said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." Hette said, "Well, then why are you crying?" The old lady continued, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favourite cake and then makes love to me for half the afternoon". Hette asked again, "Well, why are you crying?" The old lady continued, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favourite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 o’clock in the morning. Hette asked yet again, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" The old lady replied, "I can`t remember where I live!"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Top Ten Signs You`ve Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth`s axis.7. Right this minute you`re laughing up pie on the carpet.6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.5. World`s fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.1. You`re sweatin` gravy.

As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: "And get ME a coke...NOW!"The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot`s attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams:"Get me another coke or I`ll really create a scene!"Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot`s approach. "I`ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I`ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!"The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: "You`re pretty cheeky for a guy who can`t fly!"