A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes I do." she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes I remember." "Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?" "Yes I do", she replied. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

Yo momma's so fat that when she got upgraded by the Cybermen, they turned her into an ice cream truck.

Salesmanship Moshe worked in an upmarket men’s clothes shop in London. One day, his boss Avrahom returned from lunch and noticed Moshe’s hand was bandaged. Before he could ask what happened, Moshe told him that he had some good news to report, "I finally sold that ridiculous suit we`ve had in stock for such a long time." "Do you mean that repulsive bright orange-and-blue double-breasted thing?" said Avrahom." "That`s the one!" said Moshe. "Mazeltov," Avrahom shouted, "I really thought we`d never get rid it - it had to be the ugliest suit we`ve ever had. But tell me, Moshe, why is your hand bandaged?" "Simple," Moshe replied, "as soon as I sold the suit to the gentleman, his guide dog bit me."

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning, with beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar?" "There is," he replied. "I'd like some breakfast."

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir? Customer: Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was!

Name two tennis stars who are famous in the hamburger world? Bjorn Borger and Billie Jean-o's Burger King!

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night". Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

Only in America... Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage... Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

What did the orange say to the banana on the street corner? "Hi"

Kitchen closed - this chick has had it! * Martha Stewart doesn't live here! * I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too! * Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself! * You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it! * If you write in the dust, please don't date it! * I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener! * I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. * If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards. * A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. * Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. * Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. * My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there? "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "Not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel--it was great! They'd just finished a million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the crappy haircut?"

If Chuck Norris was here in the Philippines, there would be no hostage crisis. He eats hostage-takers for breakfast!

An italian man buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Italian" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" was heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you`re the father of the typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeenpounds," The bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Italian father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee. The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again, Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the - " Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of the instructions. He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replies "Aw, Ole, why don't you just leave the car in the garage today?"

John and Tracy were in a very posh restaurant. John asked for the menu. he brought the menu to them but stated "I am not a waiter, my name is Hans and I wash the dishes for Yosfayce , the Russian chef". A few minutes later, Hans came back and said "I can't find Yosfayce or the waiter, but I will take your order" They had decided to have Squid. Hans went to get the tank. John chose the Squid, and Hans removed it from the tank and rushed it to the kitchen. Hans returned "I cannot kill that squid, as it has lots of little hairs around its mouth,I can't kill that".John insisted that he was going to have the Squid."OK" said Hans "I will find Yosfayce and get him to do it. He will kill anything "5 minutes later, Yosfayce comes over to the table and says "I can't kill the Squid, It has lots of hairs around its mouth".John asked "WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?" The Waiter appeared, and said "This means Hans that do dishes can be soft as yosfayce, with mild green hairy lipped squid"

Yo momma is so dark that she spits chocolate milk!

1. "I'll tell you one thing. If things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20." 2 "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one." 3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." 4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" 5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm." 6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." 7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." 8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls." 9. "Not only that, but their music drives me wild. That `Rock Around The Clock` thing is nothing but racket." 10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying `damn` in `Gone With The Wind,` it seems every movie has a `hell` or`damn in it." 11. "Not only that,but it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?" 12."Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore." 13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar." 14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas." 15. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President." 16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?" 17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." 18. "It's too bad that things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet." 19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work." 20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat." 21. " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me like that, they won't be able to sit down for a week." 22. "Did you know that the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?" 23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops." 24. "I'm just afraid that Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." 25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress." 26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer." 27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it." 28. That drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on." 29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $6 a night to stay in a hotel." 30. "Anymore, no one can afford to be sick. $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." 31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains." 32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home." 33. "If they thi.

Here's Jewish comedian Jackie Mason's take on Starbuck's: You want coffee in a coffee shop, that's 60 cents. But at Starbucks, if it's Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50. Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50? Go into any coffee shop; they'll give you all the cream you want until you're blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream: "Here's all the cream you want!" And it's still 60 cents. You know why? Because it's called "coffee." You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they'll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because it's cinnamon? It's the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, that's it. But not in Starbucks. Over there, it's Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they'll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when you're 27 and keep drinking coffee until you're 98. And they'll start begging you: "Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?" Do you know that you can't get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50 So, for four cups of coffee - $35.00. And it's burnt coffee. It's burnt coffee at Starbucks, let's be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, "It's the bottom of the pot. I don't drink from the bottom of the pot. But when it's burnt at Starbucks, they say, "Oh, it's a blend. It's a special bean from Argentina..." The bean is in your head. And there're no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools. You ever see these stools? You haven't been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three-year-old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they can't even drink the coffee because there's 12 people around one little table, and everybody's saying, "Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me..." Then they can't get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, "Mister, could you get me off this?" Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn't have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less. It's all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, it's worth four times as much! Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, you're going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it's $9.50. And you can't put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks? Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312. And they don't give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don't give it to you. They tell you where it is. "Oh, you want butter? It's over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here." Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. "I'll take the cookie. Where's the butter? The butter's here. Where's the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there." You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says "Tips." You're waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money? Then there's a sign that says please clean it up when you're finished. They don't give you a waiter or a busboy. No.

Dear Santa, I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground and figured out how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years. Here are my Christmas wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer this year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like mine. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice cream in his pajamas at midnight. Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet. Yours always... Mom PS: One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to believe in Santa.