At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth. "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."

Yo momma's so lonely that she buys hot dogs and nuts wishing she could have sex with them.

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you". The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day? Hog and kisses! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What would you get it you crossed Odie with the God of love? A stupid cupid! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy? It was Valenswine's Day! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day? Sure, they're very scent-imental! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day? A hug and a quiche! -------------------------------------- What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the paper clip say to the magnet? "I find you very attractive." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What would you call a woman who goes out with Jon? Desperate! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did one pickle say to the other? "You mean a great dill to me." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Knock, Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive you! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the elephant say to his girlfriend? "I love you a ton!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the bat say to his girlfriend? "You're fun to hang around with." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine? He fell in love with a pincushion! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What did the pencil say to the paper? "I dot my i's on you!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Liz: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." Jon: "Really?" Liz: "Yeah, you make me sick!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Why did the cannibal break up with his girlfriend? She didn't suit his taste!

Indianola: The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.

Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock." Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

Two boys were eating a snack lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said, "Watch out for worms won't you!" The first one replied, "Why should I? They can watch out for themselves."

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attaked them and knocked them out. When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne. The chief then said, "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me." So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed. Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed. The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!" The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

The lesson [My thanks to Stan C for the following] Hannah is frying some eggs for her Sam’s breakfast when he suddenly enters the kitchen and goes over to the cooker. "Careful with the eggs," Sam says, "be careful …. Now put in some more butter …. Oy veh, you`re cooking too many eggs at once …. There’s too many of them …. So turn them already, turn them now …. We need some more butter, but where are we going to get more butter? …. They`re going to stick …. I said they’re going to stick …. Careful …. I said be careful …. Are you crazy? …. You never listen to me when you`re cooking, never …. Hurry up, turn them now …. Don`t forget to salt them, you know how you always forget the salt …. Use the salt now, use the salt, the salt, I said." Hannah stares at him, "What on earth is wrong with you this morning? Don’t you think I know how to fry a couple of eggs?" Sam calmly replies, "I just wanted to show you, dear, what it feels like when I’m driving with you in the car."

1.Happiness is only a shoe shop away 2.If you fart it is blamed on the nearest man 3.It is always the mans fault if the car goes wrong 4.Chocolate can really solve problems 5.You can end a fight by crying 6.You have the right to be a pain every month 1.you always get the blame if something goes wrong 2.the kids always see you as the one that tells them to tidy their room and that they can't get a dog 3.The kitchen 4.People annoy you at totally the wrong time with their problems 5. The week after your period no one likes you 6.If you break up your relationship you only get half your cds back.

A guy goes into a bar. He orders a beer, and after a while he needs to go to the toilet. Because he is afriad someone will drink his beer, he puts a small note on it that says: "I spit in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns, and there is another note on the beer, saying "So did I!".

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor. The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

A customer at Green`s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor`s quick wit and intelligence."Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?""I wouldn`t share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won`t hear. "But since you`re a good and faithful customer, I`ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you`ll be positively brilliant.""You sell them here?" the customer asks."Only $4 apiece," says Green.The customer buys three. A week later, he`s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn`t any smarter."You didn`t eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he`s back and this time he`s really angry."Hey, Green," he says, "You`re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You`re ripping me off!""You see?" says Green. "You`re smarter already."

Q: What do you call a sad coffee? A: Depresso.

This morning I accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. I was already on the highway when I noticed I forgot my car at home.

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects. 2. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. 3. Job interfering with your drinking. 4. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. 5. Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. 6. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. 7. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 8. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? - I think not! 9. Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem! 10. You can focus better with one eye closed. 11. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. 12. You fall off the floor... 13. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. 14. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! 15. Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you 16. At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..." 17. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, yet you are fully clothed . 18. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in... 19. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and . 20. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

A newlywed couple decide that instead of going on an expensive honeymoon, they would get a case of beer and go out to the local lake. As they are sitting out there drinking and having fun, and alien ship comes down and a male and female alien get off of the ship. "Do not worry," they said. "We come in peace. We want to party." The newlyweds decide to let them party with them as it would be a great story to tell their children. After a while the male alien asked if it would be okay if he were to take the human woman on his ship and have sex with her. He said that the female alien will stay on the ground and have sex with the human male. the couple agreed to try it out. The woman went onto the ship with the male alien and as they got undressed she noticed that he was not well endowed. She began to giggle. He looked at her and said that she was not to worry. He reached up and tugged on his right ear and his penis grew five inches. He then tugged on his left ear and it expanded an inch and a half in girth. They had sex and then went back down to join the other two. The woman walked up to her husband and he said: "Now honey, don't lie...how was it? She looked at him and said.."I won't lie...it was the best sex I have ever had in my life...how was yours?" He gave her a bewildered look and said..."I don't know...she wouldn't stop tugging on my ears."

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste All the holiday parties had gone to my waist. When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store . I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared, The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt And prepared once again to do battle with dirt-- I said to myself, as I only can "You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" So, away with the last of the sour cream dip, Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'Till all the additional ounces have vanished. I won't have a cookie, not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore--- But isn't that what January is for? Unable to giggle, no longer a riot. Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked,"But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?"There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn`t you?" and hung up.