A State Police colleague of mine once received a call from a woman who asked him how to baste a turkey. After a stunned moment, he, being a fairly good cook, described the procedure. Then he asked,"But why would you call the State Police to find out how to baste a turkey?"There was only a slight hesitation before she replied, "Well, you knew, didn`t you?" and hung up.

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

Dear Tech Support: Last year, I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs at all and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the entire system. I've tried Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Desperate Dear Desperate: First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1 (Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0! In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good luck! Tech Support.

1. Your potted plants stay alive. 2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 3. 6:00 A: M. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 4. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 5. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. 6. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup. 7. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7. 8. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'. 9. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo. 10. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 11. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 12. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m. 13. Dinner and a movie = The whole date instead of the beginning of one. 14. "I just can't drink the way I used to"

My boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

Some daze I just can't seem to focus. Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose! I used to go to an origami class, until it folded. Today everyone wants instant gratification, no matter how long it takes. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? You can lead a horse to water, but, a pencil must be lead. For Rent: 6 room hated apartment. You have two choices in life: you can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. Have you heard that Revlon and Maibelene have agreed to make-up. Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

It was an extremely rough English Channel crossing from Weymouth to Jersey, and one wretched green-faced passenger was hugging the rail when a steward approached him. "Lunch, sir? asked the tactless steward. "No, thanks, groaned the passenger. "Jus throw it overboard and save me the touble¦.

Why did the pro football player from the last-place team drop pieces of hamburger into his soup? He wanted to know how it felt to take part in a Soup-er Bowl!

Three couples went to a restaurant. The women wanted to compliment the men with something that was on the table. "Could you pass me the sugar, sugar?" said the first gal. "Could you pass me the honey, honey?" said the second. "Could you pass me the bacon, pig?" said the third.

Q: What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common? A: The taste.

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

Chuck Norris can eat breakfast in McDonalds after 11:00am.

What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.

Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.

I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn, I ate too much pudding and pie. I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin' I'm probably going to die. I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate. But I wish I had known when to stop, For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams That my buttons are starting to pop! I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes My stomach is swollen and sore, But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if I eat just a little bit more!

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear. 6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 11. You have enough clothes. 12. You have too many shoes. 13. Crying is blackmail. 14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes. 18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 23. Check your oil. 24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. 25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 26. No, it does not matter which quiz. 27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic. 31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. 37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. 39. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 40. If it itches, it will be scratched. 41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. 43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

The fifteen minute morning coffee break is when your employees take a break from doing nothing.

I think we all can relate to these! You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you. There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away. There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray. You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling. You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.