There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

Chuck Norris uses people as dinner bells, he bangs them until everyone comes...

Two mates are having a chat over a beer. "Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath?" one bloke asks his friend. "No way!" his mate replies. "Well," says the first bloke, "do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?" "Fuck no!" his mate replies. "Well," says the first bloke, "what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?"

A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was known for being a poor housekeeper. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. "Have these dishes ever been washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil. Devil: Why so glum, chum? Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell. Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man? Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more. Guy: Gee, that sounds great. Devil: You a smoker? Guy: You better believe it. Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie - you're already dead, remember? Guy: Wow. That's awesome. Devil: I bet you like to gamble. Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do. Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. Devil: You into drugs? Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean... Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.! Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place. Devil: You gay? Guy: No... Devil: Ooooh , You're gonna hate Fridays . . .

Before Chuck Norris dunks his doughnut in piping hot coffee, the doughnut hole reconstitutes itself and begs for mercy.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

Ice Cream Is To Afraid To Melt If Chuck Norris Is Eating It.

Two law partners leave their office and go to lunch. In the middle of lunch the junior partner slaps his forehead. "Damn," he says. "I forgot to lock the office safe before we left." His partner replies " What are you worried about? We're both here."

The dinosaurs are extinct because when Chuck Norris was a growing boy, he ate them for lunch. All of them. In one sitting. Scientists have recently discovered prehistoric ash in the crater in mexico, revealing that this was not created by a meteor, but was in fact Chuck Norris's fire pit for this meal.

What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

Grandpa: You youngsters are soft and lazy today. When I was your age I got up at six o'clock every morning and walked five or six miles before breakfast. I used to think nothing of it. Fred: I don't blame you, Grandpa. I wouldn't think,much of it myself.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"

An Indian man has spent many days crossing Montana without water.His horse dies of thirst. He`s crawling through the grass, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the dirt, and discovers what looks be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie...But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Bureau of Indian Affairs badge and dull grey suit. There`sa calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes.""I`m not falling for this." says the man. "I`m not going to trust a B.I.A: employee.""What do you have to lose? You`ve got no transportation, and It looks like you`re a goner anyway!"The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right."OK, I wish I were on a lush reservation with plentiful food and drink."***POOF***The man finds himself on the most beautiful rez he has ever seen, surrounded with jugs of Rum and platters of delicacies."OK, kid, what`s your second wish.""My second wish is that I were rich beyond my Chiefs wildest dreams."***POOF***The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems."OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!""Ok, I wish I would be desired and loved by everyone?"***POOF***He is changed into a crunchy chocolate bar.The moral of the story? If the B.I.A offers you anything, for sure someone is going to have to deal with some nuts.

I just started a new diet. You can drink all the fruit juice you want, you can eat all the vegetables you want, and you can drink all the wine you want. So far, I've lost 13 lbs and one driver`s license!

Can`t we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don`t they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?

A man comes to dinner at a new friend's house. While they eat, the new friend's small son keeps staring at the guest. Finally, the guest says, "Why are you staring at me like that, young fellow?" The kid says, "Daddy told me you were a self-made man." "I am." "Well, why did you make yourself like that?"