On the way to lunch, a teacher spotted two boys playfully fighting. She asked one of the boys to go to the back of the line and he came back right after. Why aren't you at the end of the line?" asked the teacher. The boy replied," I couldn't, someone was already there."

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop! The other Buddy says when my wife goes off on me I just don't listen. How do you do that? Says the other. It's easy! I turn off the light!

What women want in a relationship: A handsome, loving professional man who will just love them for who they are. What women get: A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only because no other woman wants him. What men want in a woman: A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee Anderson; Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off a flag pole. What men get: Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake! What women want in bed: A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience together. What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz What men expect out of a marriage: 3 loving children who honor their parents. What they get: 3 helions who are a combination of their parents every fault and make their life a living hell. 1st anniversary card from husband to wife: "My sweet loving wife...I hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart and soul, I am forever yours." 5th anniversary card: "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe." 10th anniversary card: "Hey, how's it hangin'? Love Ya'!" 15th anniversary card: "Ummmmmmmmm...'sup?" 16th anniversary card from wife to husband: "You are hereby summoned to divorce proceedings..."

Little Jimmy's mother was serving prunes for dessert, but little Jimmy didn't like prunes one little bit! He grumbled and complained and absolutely refused to eat them. Mother was very cross and told Jimmy that God would be very angry if he didn't eat his prunes. Still he wouldn't eat them, so in desperation, mother sent him to his room. Later in the evening a fierce thunderstorm blew up. There was much thunder and lightning. Feeling somewhat sorry for little Jimmy and thinking that he might be afraid of the storm, mother went up to his room. When she opened the door, Jimmy was kneeling looking out the window. Mother heard him say, "Gee whiz, God, all this just for two measly prunes?"

At communion you go back for seconds. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice. McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonald`s makes you a hamburger."

In the topologic hell the beer is packed in Klein`s bottles.

Chuck Norris doesn't go fishing when he's hungry. He just chooses a lake to be soup.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate? The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don't know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."

A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber. The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely." So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face. The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?" The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face. The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and says, "clumsy bitch".

What do you get if you feed a lemon to your cat? A sourpuss. If you crossed King Kong and a bell, what would you have? A ding-dong King Kong.. Did you hear about the magic Tractor? It turned into a field. Why is a shoemaker like a clergyman? Both try to save soles. What is the hardest part of learning to ride a horse? The ground What do you call a Barbie doll on fire? A Barbie-que What do you call the dog Lassie eating a watermelon? Melon chollie Why did the woman have a sore arm after she came from the beauty shop? Because she got a permanent wave. What is bought by the yard and worn by the foot? Carpet Why did the athletic shoe always get out of the closet? Because it was a good sneaker. Did you hear about the young turkey who was on his way to the big city for the first time. A fellow passenger offered him some advice: "You'll be all right as long as you don't lose your head." Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it'.

Chuck Norris made a savory green bean casserole out of The Jolly Green Giant.

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

When toasting the holidays, Republicans ask for eggnog or mulled wine. Democrats ask for a "Bud."

A: The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's speaking English that kills you.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?" "I remember that too," she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

Late home Morris and Sadie are having matrimonial problems. Morris runs a small video rental shop and he regularly comes home late from work. As a result, Sadie has to throw away his dinner most nights. Realising her unhappiness, Morris constantly promises her that he will be home in time for dinner, but somehow something always crops up to keep him working late. He really loves Sadie but, after all, times are hard and he has to make a living as well. He just can’t help it. One morning, Sadie says, "Morris, if you’re not home by 7pm tonight, then I will never cook for you again and our marriage will be in jeopardy." This ultimatum frightens Morris and he is determined to be home on time for once. So he closes his shop an hour early and sets off for the station. But before he gets there, he is hit by a car and is taken to hospital. Fortunately, his injuries are not too severe and he’s quite quickly released. Nevertheless, a trip to hospital plus tests, X rays and waiting for a doctor takes time and he doesn’t arrive home until 9pm. Sadie was fuming mad. "What time do you call this?" she shouted, "you said you would be home by 7pm." "I know I did, darling, " he replied, "but I have an excuse. I was run over by a car on my way home to you. " "Nu, so it takes 2 hours to get run over?"

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.