Chuck Norris can squeeze apple juice out of a banana.

The meal Moishe goes into a restaurant and orders potato latke. When they arrive at his table, he does not like the look of them and changes his order to blintzes. Later, when he had finished, he gets up to leave. "Wait a second," said the manager, "You haven`t paid for your blintzes." "What are you talking about?" Moishe replies. "Those blintzes were only an exchange. I gave you the potato latkes for them." "Yes, but you didn`t pay for them either." "Why should I pay for the potato latke? I didn`t eat them."

National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

Two personal adverts in a Jewish magazine Israeli lady age 28. Serves behind the falafel counter in Moshe’s Deli. Looking for nice Jewish guy with a good sense of humus. I’m looking for the girl I met last week at the kiddush after shul service. You went to get some chrayn for your gefilte fish but you never came back. I was the man with the wine and cholent stains on my tie.

A Dinner Conversation That Went Wrong WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?" HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would? ." HUSBAND: . WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?" HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: - - - silence - - - HUSBAND: "Shit."

The Jewish Olympics If you read through the list of the events taking place at the next Maccabiah Games, you will notice that the Maccabiah Committee has made some changes. Some of the less-publicised events of particular interest to the world`s Jewish communities, include: - Oyga Vault: A sound-enhanced Pole Vault competition. The vaulter must clear the bar then yell "Oy" upon hitting the foam pad below. Any heights cleared without an "Oy" will be considered a fault. Points will be added for more enthusiastic exclamations of "Oy," such as "Oy vay iz mir!", "Oy, I`ve just landed on my shana punim!" or, the winner in the Olympic trials`, "Oy, such tsuris this is causing me!" Synchronized Swimming: Taking place in an Olympic sized mikvah, this event is sure to make a splash. But what do these young ladies do once their act has finished? Synchronized Tanning: Following the Synchronized Swimming portion, swimmers will have ten minutes to sunbathe. Their routine must include at least two rollovers as well as application of sunscreen to the ears and nose. An SPF of 15 is the required minimum. Judges will award additional points to those able to tan with a higher SPF number. Points will be deducted for burns, blotches, and bikinis. Team Handball: The goal here is simple: to create the ideal matzah ball. Each team will cook a two litre bowl of matzah ball soup, from scratch. The three winning batches will be fed to the athletes recovering in the infirmary. The toughest matzah balls will be used in the shot put competition. Triathlon: This year`s Triathlon will involve one pound of shnitzel and a serving of tsimmes. The athlete must cook the shnitzel and tsimmes , say a bruchah before eating this kosher meal , and then run a marathon . If the contender forgets to say the bruchah, he/she will be disqualified, but will still be required to run the marathon. Bagel Toss: A kosher version of horseshoes, the winner is he/she that first lands a bagel on each of the seven branches of the chanukiah. Balance Beam: The accountant or bookkeeper that balances the Chairman’s wife’s bank account in the shortest amount of time will be declared winner. Moyl Marathon: Each certified moyl must run a marathon and perform a bris at each kilometer mark. This is the only event that allows alcohol - for the babies of course. Rings: No longer part of men`s gymnastics, this event now caters to newlyweds eager to show off the diamond rocks on their fourth fingers. The diamonds will be judged based on the "three C`s," colour, clarity, and cut. Contestants will be judged based on the "three S`s," smile, sophistication, and simchas.

Have you noticed anything fishy about the inspection teams who have arrived in Iraq? They're all men! How in the name of the United Nations does anyone expect men to find Saddam's stash? Some men can't even find the dirty clothes hamper. I keep wondering why groups of mothers weren't sent in. Mothers can sniff out secrets quicker than a drug dog can find a gram of dope. They can sniff out a diary two rooms and one floor away. They can tell when the lid of a cookie jar has been disturbed and notice when a quarter inch slice has been shaved off a chocolate cake. A mother can smell alcohol on your breath before you get your key in the front door and can smell cigarette smoke from a block away. And if a mother wants an answer to a question, she can read an offender's eyes quicker than a homicide detective. So... considering the value a mother could bring to an inspection team, why are we sending a bunch of old men who will rely on electronic equipment to scout out hidden threats? My mother would walk in with a wooden soup spoon in one hand, grab Saddam by the ear, give it a good twist and snap, "Young man, do you have any weapons of mass destruction?" And God help him if he tried to lie to her. She'd march him down the street to some secret bunker and shove his nose into a nuclear bomb and say, "Uh, huh, and what do you call this, mister?" Whap! Then she'd march him home in front of the whole of Baghdad. He'd not only come clean and apologize for lying about it, he'd cut every lawn in Baghdad for free for the whole summer. Inspectors my eye... You want the job done? Call my mother.

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish." As if we look that old after 35 years ... "Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife. The fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! Two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands. Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: "Well .. this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me". The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed but a wish is a wish. So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and ... abracadabra! The husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story men might be ungrateful idiots, but fairies are FEMALE!

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes, the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, four minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to Making a Baloney Sandwich by David Neilsen Hello. Welcome to The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to Making a Baloney and Cheese Sandwich. Ready for Lunch? Good! Let's begin! We're going to start our journey by assuming that you already possess each of the individual items you'll be needing to make this sandwich. It's a bit of a stretch, I know, but Lord knows we don't have time to take you shopping. So, that said, the first thing you're gonna need is a place to make your sandwich. My suggestion would be a plate. So reach into your cupboard and grab a plate. Any will do. No, that's a bowl. Plates are flat. Right, yes, that's flat, but it's a cutting board. Plates are going to be round. Yes the bowl is round, but it's not flat, is it? Just... forget it. Grab that cutting board you had in your hands. Perfect. Put it down. On the counter, not the floor. Much better. Alright, you're ready to start. You need bread. Personally, I prefer either wheat or sourdough, but you might prefer white, rye, pumpernickel, a French roll... you're just staring at me. What do you mean you don't have any bread like that? Like what? What kind of bread do you have? Wonder. Fine, it's pre-sliced. Take out two slices of Wonder Bread. Two. More than one, less than three. That's three. Put one back. Perfect. Place your two slices of Wonder Bread on your cutting board. See how easy this is? OK, you need some sandwich ingredients, open your refrigerator. Your refrigerator. Big thing in your kitchen. Stores food. Yes, and beer, too. That's the one. Take out the cheese, the baloney, the mayo... you're giving me that look again. Let's stop there. Cheese, baloney and mayo. Mayonnaise. It's a sandwich spread. White. No, that's Miracle Whip. Yes, it's a white sandwich spread but... fine. Miracle Whip will do. Put it on the counter next to the bread. OK. Now we...where's the cheese and baloney? Didn't I just say... ugh! Go back to the refrigerator and.. no, leave the Miracle Whip where it is, just go back to the fridge and open it. Good. Grab the cheese. Any kind will do. Oh, just pick one! No, that's brie. It doesn't go well with baloney. What in the world are you doing with brie? How about cheddar, do you have cheddar? It's probably orange. Yes! That's cheddar! Bring it to the counter next to cutting board. Now go back to the fridge. I'm sorry, are you getting dizzy? It can happen, get used to it. Open the fridge again. You're looking for baloney. God willing, it'll be pre-sliced. Baloney. It's meat. You're looking for a package filled with slices of meat. That's bacon. Yes! That's the baloney! Very good! Now bring that over to the food. No, we're done with the fridge, you'll just throw out whatever you don't use, I can't bear to go through the fridge disaster again. OK, now you're ready to start making a baloney and cheese sandwich. Open the Miracle Whip. Open it. Twist the lid off of the jar. What do you mean it won't come off? Twist the other direction. There ya go! Now you need a knife. Oh give me a break! You don't need a sharp knife, you just need a spreading knife. Dull. Very dull. The duller the better. No! Not that! Put that down before you kill someone! Try to find a knife without a wooden handle. No, that has a wooden handle doesn't it? That probably means it's sharp. Don't test it to see! Just put it down! Find a dull, regular, boring knife! OK. Perfect. That's a nice simple spreading knife. Dip it into the Miracle Whip. Now lift it out of the Miracle Whip and spread it on the slices of bread. Carefully. Not too hard, you'll tear the bread. Harder than that. The knife has to at least touch the bread to leave the spread. There ya go. Now do the other slice of bread. Perfect! You're a regular Julia Childs now! She's a famous cook... nevermind. OK, Now you are going to place a slice of baloney on one piece of bread. Open the package. No, this package doesn't screw open. Just pull the back end away from the rest of the package. See how i.

Q: What does a women do with her ass in the morning? A: She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work...

Chuck Norris eats nails for breakfast... without any milk.

The kids said when Chuck was eating Trix cereal ´´silly Chuck, Trix are for kids´´...what happened next?...Darfur happened.

If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly. Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want. Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot. Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less. A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy? If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, it may be a sign of a deeper problem. If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet. Two phrases: Money talks. Chocolate sings. The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger. Q: Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A: Because no one wants to quit. If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

How many cups of coffee will this hold? the man asked as he placed a large thermos on the lunchroom counter. "Six cups, advised the waitress. "Fine, replied the man. "Give me two cups regular, two cups black, and two with extra cream.

A man enters a store and says: "15 litres of wine please." "Did you bring a container for this?" "You're speaking to it."

One friend to another "I think my wife is trying to tell me something, "She keeps wrapping my sandwiches in a road map!.

The local courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee. The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him trying to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, especially since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial. "Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?" "Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied. "And when was that?" pressed the attorney. "Well...," she replied, "when he asked for his third cup."

Q: What kind of key opens a banana? A: A monkey.

Three pastors from different congregations were having lunch and sharing experiences and ideas to help each other out with their different fellowships. After several minutes of animated conversation, the first one remarks, "Hey, you know, we've got a serious problem at our church that I want to discuss with you guys." The other two pastors nod and he goes on, "Well, it's bats. We can't seem to get these bats out of our attic. The singing and organ playing wake them up, and they start flapping around. Then when I start to preach, we can still hear them moving around up there and it's really hard for anyone to pay any attention. The kids start to cry and, well, it's starting to really get in the way of a good church service." The second pastor says "Well that's interesting, because we've had the same problem, they won't stay out of our belfry. We've tried ringing the bells at all hours, spraying chemicals, we've even had a couple of exterminator companies out. Nothing's worked yet." He throws up his hands in exasperation and shakes his head. The third pastor smiles and nods his head knowingly. "Well, gentlemen. We had that problem a few years ago, and we found a quick solution." he says. The other two pastors look up with hope on their faces, and he goes on, "It was easy. We got up there, got to know 'em a little bit. Pretty soon we had them come on down, got 'em baptized and part of the congregation. Haven't seen 'em since."