How To Deal with Telemarketers1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I`m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."3. If they say they`re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don`t have any friends... would you be my friend?"7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can`t sell to employees.9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!" and then hang up.10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don`t want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how`s your mom?"16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer? "Yes, Bubba, sure is true, responded the lawyer. "And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?" "Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?" "Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

A GOOD PUN IS ITS OWN REWORD A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. Sea captains don't like crew cuts. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. What's the definition of a will? Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. A backward poet writes inverse. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. Every calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. He had a photographic memory that was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. Acupuncture is a jab well done. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

When "The Situation" looks at Chuck Norris, "The Situation" turns into a beer-bellied redneck dumb-minded farmer in Colarado.

All change Mogadishu Yogi is visiting north London. During one of his walks, in full costume and beard, he passes a small snack bar called “Benjy’s Hot Dogs” and as he wants to try everything, he goes into the shop and says, "Make me one with everything." Benjy goes to work and soon puts together a loaded hot dog. He hands it to the spiritual master who pays him with a £10 note, which Benjy quickly puts into his pocket. "So," asks Mogadishu Yogi, "where`s my change?" Benjy replies, "Change must come from within."

Waiter: I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Your soup will be ready soon. Customer: What bait are you using?

An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?" Tony says, "Poppa, it`s-a Mama`s spaghetti! I can`t-a stop-a eating it." Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!" Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael, why you-a such a fat-a fuck?" Michael says, "Poppa, it`s-a Mama`s lasagna. I can`t-a stop-a eating it, it`s-a so good." Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites." Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo, how you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?" Fredo says, "It`s-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a pussy." Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that`s-a taste like shit!" Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!

Halloween Funnies II What monster flies his kite in a rain storm? Benjamin Frankenstein What do ghosts serve for dessert? Ice Scream What's a monsters favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost? Bamboo What's a haunted chicken? A poultry-geist How can you tell when you're in bed with Count Dracula?- He has a big D on his pajamas.

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts". "No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter. "But I want it MY way." says the man. "What do you mean your way?" comes the reply. The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans." "I dont have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl. "WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!" came the reply.

The Perfect Day - Her 8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale 9:30 Light Breakfast 11:00 Sunbathe 12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 Shopping 2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs 3:00 Facial, massage, nap 7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing 10:00 Make love 11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms The Perfect Day - Him 6:45 Alarm. 7:00 Shower and massage. 7:30 Blowjob. 7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section. 8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys. 8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia. 9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens. 12:30 Blowjob. 12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club. 2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini. 3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew . Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap. 6:15 Blowjob. 6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit. 7:30 Shit, shower, shave. 8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals). 9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons , Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero 10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries 11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob Sleep.

Q: Why did the blonde keep a empty carton of milk in the fridge? A: In case she wanted black coffee.

Did you hear the joke about the butter? I do not think I should tell you because you might spread it around...

The Diet BREAKFAST 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz glass skim milk LUNCH 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed zucchini 1 Oreo cookie MID-AFTERNOON SNACK rest of the package of Oreo cookies 1 quart Rocky Road ice cream 1 jar hot fudge DINNER 2 loaves garlic bread 1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza 1 large pitcher of beer 3 Milky Way candy bars 1 entire cheesecake DIET TIPS 1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out. 3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount. 4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream. 5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out. 6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the calories don't count. 7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not ones of personal fuel.

It is said that, a way to a man's heart goes through a stomach. Aha…you might think that men go to their lovers to eat some soup.

Chuck Norris' DVD commentaries on his movies are always dead silence, punctuated every minute or so by the cracking of a beer can.

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started...the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all brokeout into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!" and they all started booing and cat calling. Thinking things were going very well. The doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened? " The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine till a vendor passed by and yelled PEANUTS!"

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3. Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, dring glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retriev cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetnus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap. 13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down. 14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."