Chuck Norris spend 30 seconds to count the stars everyday, after his lunch.

What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.

The most famous person Moishe got a new job with a firm of Accountants. One afternoon in the second week, he entered Martin Lewis’s office and declared: "Boss, I know everybody in the world." Obviously, Martin didn`t believe him and replied, "Everybody in the whole world?" Moishe said, "Yes sir, and you can choose anyone, and I will prove it." After a moment, Martin said, "I bet you don`t know Madonna." Moishe said, "I talk to her very often by e-mail, and what`s more we`ve had dinner together. Now we are friends." Martin decided to uncover the ruse, so he bought 2 tickets to Hollywood and they went to Madonna`s house. Madonna personally opened the door. She opened her arms and said, "Oh Moishe, what a surprise! Come in, you and your friend." They spent a very nice afternoon there. But Martin wasn`t convinced. He thought that it could just have been a coincidence, so he said, "How about President Bush?" "George!" said Moishe. "Of course. We were friends together when I lived in USA: We always talked by phone." Martin almost lost his cool and decided that this one he had to see immediately. They flew to Washington and as soon as they landed took a cab to the White House. There they went to see a press conference where Bush was making a speech. At the end, Bush happened to take a look in Moishe`s direction. Moishe shouted, "George! George!" and Bush, with a smile, shouted back: "Moishe, buddy, come on in and let`s have a talk." Martin was bewildered – he couldn`t believe it. But his mind didn`t stop working. The chances that Moishe knew everybody in the world were billions to one. He decided to use a final test: The Pope. Moishe couldn`t know the Pope. But Moishe said he knew the Pope when he lived in Poland. So they flew to the Vatican. There, in the middle of thousands of people, the Pope interrupted his prayer. They could see his lips saying "Moishe" with a smile in his face. The Pope opened his arms and called Moishe to come close to him by the veranda. Moishe was there, looking for Martin and he saw the exact moment when Martin fainted. The Pope blessed Moishe, Moishe kissed the Pope`s staff and ran to where Martin was lying. When Martin woke up, Moishe asked what had happened. Martin, sweating and still confused, looked at Moishe and finally said: "I have accepted Madonna, I have accepted Bush. Even the Pope I have accepted! But I couldn`t stand it anymore when here, in the middle of the crowd, a random person asked me "Who is this guy dressed all in white, by the veranda, close to Moishe?"

Bad food Moishe, an elderly man, was listening to a dietician addressing a large audience in London. "Did you know," said the dietician, "that the stuff we regularly put into our stomachs is harmful enough to eventually kill most of us here today? Well it’s true. Red meat is terrible for us, soft drinks erode our stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with Monosodium Glutamate and even vegetables can be disastrous to some of us. And most of us don’t realise the long-term harm being caused by additions to our drinking water. But bad as these are, one thing is worse than all of these put together and we have all eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" Moishe stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

For the wine lovers amongst you [My thanks to Malcolm for the following] You will all know that Pinot Noir is one of the oldest grape varieties to be cultivated for the purpose of making wine. It is recognized worldwide as a great wine grape and is grown in many countries of the world. Now the English have come onto the scene. They are marketing a new wine developed especially for elderly drinkers based on a new hybrid anti-diuretic wine grape. They are calling this wine ‘Pinot More’.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

Knock Knock Who's there! Beryl! Beryl who? Beryl of beer!

A Modest Essay 3A: ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA: I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.

The mensh of Golders Green Bernie is walking down Golders Green Road one cold morning when he hears an almighty crash behind him. He turns around and sees a "Golders Green’s Best Kosher Wines" lorry lying on its side, with broken bottles all around it and wine freely running into the gutter. The driver didn’t seem to be injured, but he was nevertheless weeping openly. A crowd quickly gathers around the incident. "What’s the matter?" Bernie asks the driver, "Are you hurting somewhere?" "No, I’m not hurt," replies the driver, "but my boss, Mr Solly, will no doubt blame me for the loss of his wine and deduct its cost from my pay packet." On hearing this, a man suddenly steps forward and says to the crowd, "Oy vay, did you hear what this poor hard working Jewish guy has just said? He said he’s going to lose a lot of money as a result of this accident. We shouldn’t let this happen. We must all rally around and help him out." At that, he takes off his hat, puts it on the ground next to the driver and places a £5 note in it. "Nu? What are you all waiting for?" he says to the crowd. "Help this man out. It will be a mitzvah." Soon, the hat is overflowing with notes and coins. The man then picks up the hat and money, gives it to the driver and smiling, says, "Here, this will help you. Go back to your office and give this to your boss. It will keep him happy." As the man walks away, Bernie says to the driver, "Wow! I must tell The Jewish Chronicle of this incident. What a mensh that man is - have you ever seen him before?" "Of course," replies the driver. "That’s my boss Mr Solly."

My Aunt Maud had so many candles on her last birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt!

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes." The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty." With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, "I want two more of these."

We`re over the hill but don`t feel sad This side of the hill ain`t all that bad. So give us "five" and then a smile To us who have been here for awhile. With by-pass pain and mended hip And plumbing fixtures prone to drip; We all may seem a sorry lot, But we rejoice for what we`ve got. We have each day and what it brings And on our pensions live like kings. For the press that accuses what we take To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake." We`ve paid our share for unused knowledge As the kids are now all done with college. We complain to them about our health As they worry about our dwindling wealth. And though our wardrobes may be plain We`ll suffer no more labor or pain. Now it`s with cane we do our strut And if we can`t drive - we still can putt. We`re mean and tough, meet all demands, Why, M&M`s melt in our hands. Yes, we`re still here, and it does delight us That you join our fight against arthritis. But we ask you make a pledge today That you`ll be careful what you say. We have to spread "Over the Hill" fear Or we`ll have those young folks over here.

Did you hear the one about the Magician who was walking down the street when he turned into a Restaurant?

Q: What's a shark's favorite sandwich? A: Peanut butter and jellyfish!

Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u.

The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a backwoods eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning, but two of the spots were suspicious. "Hey, he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup “ aren`t they foreign objects? She is scrutinizing his bowl. "No, sir! she reassured him. "Those things live around here..

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married and spent their first wedding night with the young man's parents. In the morning, his mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast including freshly cut flowers from her garden and gourmet food. She went to the bottom the stairs and called everyone to come down to breakfast. Everyone came down, except the newlyweds. After a long wait, the family ate without them. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?" The groom's young brother said, "Mommy, I think..." "Oh, shut up. I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the eight-year-old. At lunch time, the mother again prepared a wonderful spread and again called the young couple to eat. Five minutes went by and she called again. After another long wait, the family proceeded to eat. As she was cleaning the table, mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat? Once again, the younger brother started to speak, but mother immediately shut him up. At dinner the same thing happened. After the meal, mother once again questioned why they had not come down to eat all day. The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think..." "Well, what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather testily. "I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model airplane glue instead.

Two guys are drinking at a bar.The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?".The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'.The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies? Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

How To Deal with Telemarketers1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I`m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."3. If they say they`re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, are they married?, kids?, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.4. Cry out in surprise,"Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.5. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.6. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don`t have any friends... would you be my friend?"7. After the Telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.8. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, they often can`t sell to employees.9. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh No!" and then hang up.10. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her HOME phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their HOME numbers you say "I guess you don`t want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me, either!" Hang up.11. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.12. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.13. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a pizza.14. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.15. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how`s your mom?"16. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder...louder...17. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down.