Food Stuff

Yo momma is so fat that she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. "What color?" they asked. He settled for white. "How much does it cost?" he asked. "Twenty dollars." "Very good," he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn't the faintest idea. "Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?" "No," he said, "nothing like that." "Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife's bust resembles." He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, "Have you ever seen a Spaniel's ears?"

They say she has a sharp tongue. Yes, she can slice bread with it.

I was at a restaurant and I noticed my waitress had a black eye. So I ordered very sloooowly because obviously she doesn't listen.

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived. One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. "Reform I can understand. But where will it end? You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read?" Goldblum shuddered. God went on. "I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!" Goldblum sighed with relief. "Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?" Bauman hung his head in shame. "Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I'm not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions." Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief. Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, "You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying... "Closed for the Holiday!"

Twas the night before finals, and all through the college, The students were praying for last minute knowledge. Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds, While visions of essays danced in their heads. In my own apartment, I had been pacing, And dreaded exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books, And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks. I drained all the coffee, and brewed a new pot, No longer caring that my nerves were shot. I stared at my notes, but my thoughts were muddy, My eyes went a blur, I just couldn't study. "Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver, But each place I called refused to deliver. I'd nearly concluded that life was too cruel, With futures depending on grades had in school. When all of a sudden, our door opened wide, And Patron Saint Put-It-Off ambled inside. Her spirit was careless, her manner was mellow, She wore a white toga, she started to bellow: "What kind of student would make such a fuss, To toss back at teachers what they tossed at us?" "On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On last year's exams! On Wingit and Slingit, and last minute crams!" Her message delivered, she vanished from sight, But we heard her laughing outside in the night. "Your teachers have pegged you, so just do your best. Happy finals to all, and to all, a good test!"

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?" "Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave. "Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade.

A lady went to the butcher shop looking for a chicken for dinner. She asked the butcher to see his selection. He only had one chicken left but did not disclose this to the lady. He kept the chickens in the bin below the showcase and so he reached down and pulled out his last chicken. He put it on the scale, the lady eyed the weight and asked if he had one a little larger. "Yes," he replied. He took the chicken and lowered it down to the empty bin, shook it against the side and brought it back out. This time when he placed it on the scale his trained thumb hung just a little bit on the edge of the scale. The lady eyed the weight and said, "that is fine, I'll take both of them."

Joining the ArmyAs the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter`soffice.There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handlethis new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn`t really do that, did you?""You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

Why did the nerd eat the fifth grader's math test? Because it was a peace of cake!

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer."

How can you make a soup rich? Add 14 carrots to it.

A duck walks into a drugstore, and asks the cashier if he has any beer. The man says "No, this is a Drugstore, we don't sell beer here" The Duck leaves, and returns home. The next day, he comes back to the store and asks the cashier again. The man then replies, "I told you yesterday We don't sell beer here If you ask me one more time, I am going to nail your feet to the floor " The ducks leaves again. One final time the duck enters the store the next day, and this time says, "Do you have any nails?" The Man replies, "No" The duck then says, "Do you have any beer?"

Why did the chicken end up in the soup? Because it ran out of cluck!

Chuck Norris can have his cake, eat it, then roundhouse kick you in the face with the extra power it gave him.

Why are oranges like bells? You can peel both of them.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn`t have to split theirs.The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We`ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It`s his turn using the teeth."