The patient: Tell me, is it true that alcohol decreases blood pressure? Doctor: Yes, that is true. P: And, is it true that coffee increases blood pressure? D: Yes, that is also true. P: So, in average, I live normally.

Bush and Gore were sitting in a restaurant to discuss the craziness of the election. When the waitress came to take their orders, Gore said, "I'll take the steak." When she asked Bush, he said, "I'll take the quicky." Gore motioned for the waitress to come closer, and whispered into her ear "He means the quiche."

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

How to Handle the IRS By Dave Barry It is time once again for our annual feature "Tax Advice for Humans," the column that explains our complex federal tax laws to you in simple, everyday terms that have virtually nothing to do with reality. This is the only tax-advice column that has the courage to give you the following written guarantee in writing: "If, as a result of following the advice in this column, you are for any reason whatsoever confined to a federal prison, we will personally come and live in your house, until your refrigerator is out of beer." So let's get started! Most likely the foremost question in your mind, as you prepare to fill out your federal tax forms, is: "Can I cheat?" A lot of taxpayers are thinking that this is a good year to take advantage of the Internal Revenue Service, because of the way it got hammered in those congressional hearings last September. Remember? One by one, taxpayers went before the Senate Finance Committee and told alarming stories like this: "I got a letter from the IRS computer stating that I owed taxes back to the year 427 B.C., which seemed like a mistake, plus the letter addressed me as `The Dionne Quintuplets,' so I went down to the IRS office to straighten things out, and the next thing I knew I was being dangled from a helicopter by one leg." When the nation heard these stories, everybody was outraged. The IRS formally apologized to the taxpayers and ordered the dismantling of the agency's primary guillotine. So a lot of people are thinking that this year, while the IRS is under fire, is a good time to "play fast and loose" with their tax returns, and maybe even get revenge for the years of abuse by yanking the IRS' chain a little bit. One leading tax-preparation firm, which I will not identify here except by its initials, "H" and "R," has gone so far as to write taunting remarks in the margins of its clients' tax returns, such as: -- "Hey Audit Breath! If you don't believe I spent a 100 percent deductible total of $224,123 on Pez, perhaps you would like me to complain to the Senate Finance Committee?" -- "No I shall NOT enclose Form 10448275-J! I shall use Form 10448275-J for INTIMATE HYGIENE PURPOSES HAHAHAHA!" This kind of thing is of course a lot of fun, but we are not recommending it. What many people do not realize is that, after the IRS finished publicly apologizing to the taxpayers who testified against it last September, it quietly tracked them down and relieved them of all of their worldly possessions including corneas. So we are not recommending that you cheat. You should heed the words of IRS commissioner Charles Rossotti, who, in this year's Letter to Taxpayers, states: "Every citizen owes it to the nation to pay his or her fair share of taxes, unless of course he or she has made a whopping cash contribution to a key congressperson or President Bill `Mr. Coffee' Clinton or Vice President Al `I Honestly Thought That They Were Just A Bunch Of Very Wealthy Buddhist Nuns!' Gore." Here are some questions that you are likely to ask in preparing your tax returns this year: Q: Did the government change the tax laws again? A: Ha ha! That is the stupidest question we have ever heard! Of COURSE the government changed the tax laws! The government had no choice! The government found out that, despite the fact that the U.S. Tax Code is larger than the entire state of Connecticut, there was still one U.S. taxpayer, Norbridge K. Trongle Jr., who was able to correctly prepare his own tax return. The government considered handling this threat to the national security by sending a B-2 "Stealth" bomber to destroy Mr. Trongle's house and financial records, but the Air Force vetoed this plan because of the risk that the $2 billion plane would be brought down by Mr. Trongle's lawn sprinkler. So the House and Senate Joint Tax Mutation Committee swung into action and made a number of significant changes to the Tax Code, which you need to know about. Q: What, specifically, are these changes? A: Nobody knows. Q: How many taxpayers w.

What is an elf's favourite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!

DIRECTIONS for MICROSOFT TV DINNER 1. You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. 2. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner . You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is. 3. If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter: 4. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. 5. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor. 6. Many users ha.

The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her, ...don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "No problem! I have. I have." Realizing her first condition was too easy the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build. I build." Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table, all the while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman, "Okay, okay. I cut. I cut."

Q: What is crazy and walks along the sides of buildings? A: A walnut.

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge. He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives." His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK: "Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all." Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy. Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili JUDGE ONE: Smoky with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her. Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a!?##?!?%?~?! uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift." Chili# 4: Bubba's Black Magic JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute. Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later. Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, h.

Not long after their wedding, Scott and Tracy awoke early one morning. The couple had been up for quite a while before they met up in the kitchen. Marriage was agreeing with Scott, and he greeted his new wife with glee and excitation that morning. "If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Tracy, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Great! What are we having for breakfast?" asked Scott. "Toast and juice," replied Tracy.

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. "The cup holder on my computer broke! I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!" The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him...he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. "Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it..."

Conversation in a restaurant – part 1 Maurice and Sadie are out eating in the ‘Bubbeh-Myseh’ restaurant. Whilst Maurice is eating his grilled steak and chips, the waiter comes over to him and asks, "Is everything OK, sir?" "Well," replies Maurice, "I asked for my steak to be rare, and it was well done." "Thank you sir," says the waiter, "we always aim to please."

Bits & pieces from the Jewish vaudeville comics • I`ve been in love with the same woman for 40 years. If my wife ever finds out, she`ll kill me! • What are the three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? "Darling, I`m home." • Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won`t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did. • We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. • My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried. • My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea. • She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. • She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. • I was just in London - there is an 8-hour time difference. I`m still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. • The doctor says, "You`ll live to be 60!" "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?" • A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man`s chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That`s what puzzles me!" • "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don`t answer!" • A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You`ve been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let`s get started." • A bum asked me, "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When`s payday?" He said, "I don`t know, you`re the one who’s working!" • There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night. Finally, I let her out. • I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport. • I wish my brother would learn a trade so I would know what kind of work he`s out of.

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

Chuck Norris once ate his whole birthday cake... Even before his friend could tell him that there's a stripper hiding in it.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce." "I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is prettier," says the wife.

What is a vampire's favourite soup? Scream of mushroom!