ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer."

How can you make a soup rich? Add 14 carrots to it.

A duck walks into a drugstore, and asks the cashier if he has any beer. The man says "No, this is a Drugstore, we don't sell beer here" The Duck leaves, and returns home. The next day, he comes back to the store and asks the cashier again. The man then replies, "I told you yesterday We don't sell beer here If you ask me one more time, I am going to nail your feet to the floor " The ducks leaves again. One final time the duck enters the store the next day, and this time says, "Do you have any nails?" The Man replies, "No" The duck then says, "Do you have any beer?"

Why did the chicken end up in the soup? Because it ran out of cluck!

Chuck Norris can have his cake, eat it, then roundhouse kick you in the face with the extra power it gave him.

Why are oranges like bells? You can peel both of them.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at Burger King. He noticed that they ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries. One for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup, and set it in front of his wife. The old man began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn`t have to split theirs.The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We`ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."The young man than asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It`s his turn using the teeth."

Chuck Norris spend 30 seconds to count the stars everyday, after his lunch.

What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.

The most famous person Moishe got a new job with a firm of Accountants. One afternoon in the second week, he entered Martin Lewis’s office and declared: "Boss, I know everybody in the world." Obviously, Martin didn`t believe him and replied, "Everybody in the whole world?" Moishe said, "Yes sir, and you can choose anyone, and I will prove it." After a moment, Martin said, "I bet you don`t know Madonna." Moishe said, "I talk to her very often by e-mail, and what`s more we`ve had dinner together. Now we are friends." Martin decided to uncover the ruse, so he bought 2 tickets to Hollywood and they went to Madonna`s house. Madonna personally opened the door. She opened her arms and said, "Oh Moishe, what a surprise! Come in, you and your friend." They spent a very nice afternoon there. But Martin wasn`t convinced. He thought that it could just have been a coincidence, so he said, "How about President Bush?" "George!" said Moishe. "Of course. We were friends together when I lived in USA: We always talked by phone." Martin almost lost his cool and decided that this one he had to see immediately. They flew to Washington and as soon as they landed took a cab to the White House. There they went to see a press conference where Bush was making a speech. At the end, Bush happened to take a look in Moishe`s direction. Moishe shouted, "George! George!" and Bush, with a smile, shouted back: "Moishe, buddy, come on in and let`s have a talk." Martin was bewildered – he couldn`t believe it. But his mind didn`t stop working. The chances that Moishe knew everybody in the world were billions to one. He decided to use a final test: The Pope. Moishe couldn`t know the Pope. But Moishe said he knew the Pope when he lived in Poland. So they flew to the Vatican. There, in the middle of thousands of people, the Pope interrupted his prayer. They could see his lips saying "Moishe" with a smile in his face. The Pope opened his arms and called Moishe to come close to him by the veranda. Moishe was there, looking for Martin and he saw the exact moment when Martin fainted. The Pope blessed Moishe, Moishe kissed the Pope`s staff and ran to where Martin was lying. When Martin woke up, Moishe asked what had happened. Martin, sweating and still confused, looked at Moishe and finally said: "I have accepted Madonna, I have accepted Bush. Even the Pope I have accepted! But I couldn`t stand it anymore when here, in the middle of the crowd, a random person asked me "Who is this guy dressed all in white, by the veranda, close to Moishe?"

Bad food Moishe, an elderly man, was listening to a dietician addressing a large audience in London. "Did you know," said the dietician, "that the stuff we regularly put into our stomachs is harmful enough to eventually kill most of us here today? Well it’s true. Red meat is terrible for us, soft drinks erode our stomach lining, Chinese food is loaded with Monosodium Glutamate and even vegetables can be disastrous to some of us. And most of us don’t realise the long-term harm being caused by additions to our drinking water. But bad as these are, one thing is worse than all of these put together and we have all eaten it or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" Moishe stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

For the wine lovers amongst you [My thanks to Malcolm for the following] You will all know that Pinot Noir is one of the oldest grape varieties to be cultivated for the purpose of making wine. It is recognized worldwide as a great wine grape and is grown in many countries of the world. Now the English have come onto the scene. They are marketing a new wine developed especially for elderly drinkers based on a new hybrid anti-diuretic wine grape. They are calling this wine ‘Pinot More’.

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! No sir, that's a cockroach, the fly is on your steak.

Knock Knock Who's there! Beryl! Beryl who? Beryl of beer!

A Modest Essay 3A: ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON? I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA: I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.

The mensh of Golders Green Bernie is walking down Golders Green Road one cold morning when he hears an almighty crash behind him. He turns around and sees a "Golders Green’s Best Kosher Wines" lorry lying on its side, with broken bottles all around it and wine freely running into the gutter. The driver didn’t seem to be injured, but he was nevertheless weeping openly. A crowd quickly gathers around the incident. "What’s the matter?" Bernie asks the driver, "Are you hurting somewhere?" "No, I’m not hurt," replies the driver, "but my boss, Mr Solly, will no doubt blame me for the loss of his wine and deduct its cost from my pay packet." On hearing this, a man suddenly steps forward and says to the crowd, "Oy vay, did you hear what this poor hard working Jewish guy has just said? He said he’s going to lose a lot of money as a result of this accident. We shouldn’t let this happen. We must all rally around and help him out." At that, he takes off his hat, puts it on the ground next to the driver and places a £5 note in it. "Nu? What are you all waiting for?" he says to the crowd. "Help this man out. It will be a mitzvah." Soon, the hat is overflowing with notes and coins. The man then picks up the hat and money, gives it to the driver and smiling, says, "Here, this will help you. Go back to your office and give this to your boss. It will keep him happy." As the man walks away, Bernie says to the driver, "Wow! I must tell The Jewish Chronicle of this incident. What a mensh that man is - have you ever seen him before?" "Of course," replies the driver. "That’s my boss Mr Solly."

My Aunt Maud had so many candles on her last birthday cake that all her party guests got sunburnt!

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, "I will give you three wishes." The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, "I want a beer that never is empty." With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, "I want two more of these."

We`re over the hill but don`t feel sad This side of the hill ain`t all that bad. So give us "five" and then a smile To us who have been here for awhile. With by-pass pain and mended hip And plumbing fixtures prone to drip; We all may seem a sorry lot, But we rejoice for what we`ve got. We have each day and what it brings And on our pensions live like kings. For the press that accuses what we take To coin a phrase, "Let them eat cake." We`ve paid our share for unused knowledge As the kids are now all done with college. We complain to them about our health As they worry about our dwindling wealth. And though our wardrobes may be plain We`ll suffer no more labor or pain. Now it`s with cane we do our strut And if we can`t drive - we still can putt. We`re mean and tough, meet all demands, Why, M&M`s melt in our hands. Yes, we`re still here, and it does delight us That you join our fight against arthritis. But we ask you make a pledge today That you`ll be careful what you say. We have to spread "Over the Hill" fear Or we`ll have those young folks over here.