Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests." "I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?" "Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies? Seven...one to mix the batter and six to peel the M&Ms.

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE. Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK . Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME. Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK . Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR: Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH. Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON. Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED. Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY. Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave. The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate. On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay." Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?" Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!" "And then?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."

Four workers were discussing how smart their dogs were. The first was an engineer who said his dog could draw. His dog's name was "T-Square", and he told him to get some paper and draw a square, a circle and a triangle, which he did with no sweat. The accountant said he thought his dog, "Balance", could do better. He told him to fetch a dozen cookies and divide them into piles of three, which he did with no problem. The chemist said that was a very good stunt, but that his dog, "Apothecary", could do better yet. He told his dog to get a quart of milk and pour seven ounces into a ten ounce glass. Apothecary did this without a hitch. All three men agreed their dogs were equally smart. They turned to the Civil Servant and asked him what his dog could do. The Civil Servant called his dog, whose name was "Coffee break", and said, "Show the fellows what you can do, old buddy." Coffee Break then strolled over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so. He then filed a grievance for unsafe conditions, applied for Workers' Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.

An elderly couple, Marty and Helen, along with some friends agreed to try a Thai Restaurant. While looking at the menu, Helen noticed her husband looking at the vegetarian section of the menu. "What would you like Marty? she asked. "I`m looking at this Eggplant Spicy dish. He replied. "Marty, you like meat and potatoes. You won`t like that dish. Helen said. "What do you know, answered Marty, "I`m getting it. "Marty, I`m telling` you, you are a meat and potatoes kind of guy. You won`t like it! Helen exclaimed. "I`m getting it and that is the last word! says Marty. A short while later the meals arrive at the table. Marty looks down and his dish and says to Helen, "Where are my eggs?.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

What vegetable needs a plumber? A leek.

Jesus turned water into wine, Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

One day a blonde went into Wal-Mart and saw something she liked. The Blonde asked the clerk what it was. The Clerk said it was a thermous. What does the thermous do? It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. So she bought one. The blonde brought it to work one day and the blondes boss who also is a blonde said what is that thing? It is a thermous the first blonde said. What does it do? Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. What do you have in it? I have coffee and a popcycle in it. Sent by Tom.

I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold ... ... ... and eaten..

How did the jury find the hamburger? Grill-ty as charred!

It's a pity you've gone on hunger strike,' said the convict's girlfriend on visiting day. 'Why?' 'I've put a file in your cake.'.

Age is important only if you're cheese and wine.

A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to." Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's the way my mom always did it." A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?" Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, otherwise it would never fit into my baking pan."

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked. "That's the one!" That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.

I looked for evidence of collusion between the tobacco industry and firearms manufacturers, but alas, I could find no "smoking gun." As any embryologist will tell you, our lives are ova before we are born. Could we really blame the hurricane for all of the broken glass? Realistically, how much can a wind owe? The racing driver's wheel failed during the race, so he had to retire. I called up the hospital the other day. First I was wrongly connected to the vasectomy department. Then I was cut off! The first king was crowned in a reign coat. Skydivers are good to the last drop. When I asked my girl friend if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education! A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back. Judge: "I see you are back for fighting with your wife. Liquor again?" "No, sir," was the reply. "She licked me this time." A medical study shows parasites prefer males. Married men around the house are the most susceptible. Bacteria like to hide in places where there’s very little movement. Have you heard about the Chinese restaurant that stays open 24 hours a day? It's called Wok Around the Clock.

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" asked the mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head. The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too. The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Christsakes, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

Try these out on your unsuspecting roomie: 1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally. 2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class. 3. Twitch a lot. 4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep. 5. Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them. 6. Become a subgenius. 7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG. 8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin. 9. Speak in tongues. 10. Move your roommate's personal items around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling. 11. Walk and talk backwards. 12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them. 13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye." 14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly. 15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class . 16. Collect all your urine in a small jug. 17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food. 18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are. 19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks." 20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them. 21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened. 22. Eat glass. 23. Smoke ballpoint pens. 24. Smile. All the time. 25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate. 26. Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously. 27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you. 28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances. 29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns. 30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly. 31. Dye all your underwear lime green. 32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim. 33. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet. 34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it. 35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due). 36. Pray to Azlatoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty. 37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks. 38. Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them. 39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley. 40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why . . .?" Be creative. 41. Shave one eyebrow. 42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently. 43. Put horseradish in your shoes. 44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want. 45. Always flush the toilet three times. 46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often. 47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class. 48. Give him/her an allowance. 49. Listen to radio static. 50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up. 51. Cry a lot. 52. Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's email. 53. Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously. 54. Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls. 55. Whenever your roommate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself. 56. If you get in before your roommate, go to sleep in his/her bed. 57. Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when he or she isn't home, show them the magazines. 58. Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month. 59. If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks. 60. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up. 61. Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too. 62. Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS. 63. Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor. 64. Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate. 65. Call your RA or CA whenever your roommate turns up his/her music. 66. Follow him/her around on weekends. 67. Sit on the floor and talk to the wall. 68. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door. 69. Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone. 70. Take his/her underwear. Wear it. 71. Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her. 72. Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare. 73. Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was. 74. Let mice loose in his/her room. 75. Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling. 76. Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own. 77. Skip to the bathroom. 78. Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend. 79. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foliage. 80. When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave. 81. Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find them. 82. Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back. 83. Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed. 84. Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God Dammit. 85. Burn incense. 86. Eat moths. 87. Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die. 88. Collect Chia-Pets. 89. Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language. 90. Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick. 91. Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls. 92. If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing. 93. Leave apple cores on his/her bed. 94. Keep feces in your fridge. Complain that there is never anything to eat. 95. Piss in a jar and leave it by your bed. When your roommate isn't looking, replace it with a jar of apple juice. Wait until your roommate turns around. Drink it. 96. Don't ever flush. 97. Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it. 98. Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me." 99. Lick him/her while they are asleep. 100. Dress in drag. 101. Be on the phone 5 hours a day with some hussy in Philly. 102. Kill a man. Keep him under your bed. Pretend he doesn't smell. 103. Masturbate regularly a lot and without shame. Tell your roommate you feel it should be more socially acceptable and you are doing your part. 104. Try not washing. For a semester. 105. Spend a lot of time high. 106. Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class. 107. Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore." 108. Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is. 109. Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you. 110. Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious." 111. Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards. 112. Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard man to find. 113. Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone. 114. Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until he/she does so. 115. Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist . . . " 116. Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again." 117. Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate. 118. Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now." 119. Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning. 120. Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed. 121. Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets. 122. Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me." 123. Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them. 124. Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like, "Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings. 125. Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine. 126. Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi." 127. Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "rare gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room. 128. Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on. 129. Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy." 130. Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation. 131. Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something. 132. Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more." 133. Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat." 134. Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation. 135. Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili. 136. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them. 137. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning. 138. Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?" 139. Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like they were here again." 140. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream. 141. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it. 142. Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares. 143. Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences. 144. Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same. 145. "Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night. 146. Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep. 147. Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about. 148. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading." 149. Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away. 150. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again. 151. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes. 152. Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal. 153. Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon . . . " 154. Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate. 155. Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer." 156. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little . . . " 157. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there. 158. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil. 159. Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?" 160. Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards, bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn." 161. Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere." 162. Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks. 163. Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes. 164. Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again. 165. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan. 166. Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch TV with the pig, eating lots of bacon. 167. Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry. 168. Punch a hole in the TV. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality. 169. Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again. 170. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong." 171. Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks. 172. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water. 173. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?" 174. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would. 175. Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye. 176. Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks. 177. Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that any more, Murray." 178. Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping. 179. Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern. 180. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night. 181. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back." 182. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When s/he leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now." 183. Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?" 184. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players." 185. Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."