I'm an adult. I don't cry over spilt milk unless it has coffee in it.

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal". That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"? Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!" Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out". Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!"

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves..

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup! Keep it down sir, or they'll all be wanting one.

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?" "I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied. "Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?" "Twenty-six."

Why is President Carter important to Hamburger Land in April? One the opening day of the baseball season, he throws out the first meatball!

A rather gruff and course talking Priest get's transferred to a small church in a quaint little village. Everyone there is very solem and reserved so the new priest acts accordingly. The other priests and nuns ask the new father to go to the village grocer and pick up some items for the Sunday dinner. While there he decides to pick up some fresh fish, so he asks the salesman and pointing at a particular fish asks,"what kind of fish is that?" he asks. "Dam fish!" replied the salesman. "Well!"replied the Priest "you don't have to be so rude!,all I asked you was what kind of fish that is!" The salesman explained that he only meant to say that the fish came from the local dam and was the freshest in the market. They both laughed and the priest took the fish back to the church and gave it to the cook. The cook said"why father,what kind of fish is this?" "Dam fish!" replied the priest. The cook gave him a look and replied,"father,you don't have to get upset,I only asked you what kind of fish you brought back!" He explained to her that the fish was from the local dam and they both laughed. At dinner everyone sat around a large table with the feast at hand. After grace was said a very old nun who has been at the churh and lived in the village most of her life asked the new priest politely if he would pass the dam fish...not thinking and somewhat elated said," hey! you people are allright!...pass the freak'in potatoes!"

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to thehills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he collided with a bear, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside. His rifle went one way, and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs.That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear was chargingat him, and he couldn`t move."Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I`m so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish: Please make a Christian out of that bear that`s coming at me. Please, Lord!"That very instant the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud at the preacher`s feet:"Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive..."

Chuck Norris doesn't eat breakfast. the breakfast jumps in his mouth because nothing is safe outside of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once had AIDS and cancer - for breakfast.

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,?'Honey, my hands are freezing!? She says,?Well put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.? After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again,?Man! My hands are really freezing!? She says again,?Well. put them between my thighs and warm them up again.? He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again,?Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.? She looks at him and says,?For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?

A man walked into a restaurant and orders a chicken soup bowl a while later the waiter brings it to him. The old man quickly calls him back and says "waiter taste the soup" the waiter says "well what`s wrong with it" "just taste the soup" the old man insisted". "Well what's wrong with the soup is it to hot to cold, what"! "Just taste the soup said the old man". "Oh, all right where's the spoon".

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!" and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" "I was in bed." "What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?" "I was getting a second opinion."

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens. "It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?" "Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner!"

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulledhimself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"" No," he replied, "arthritis.

One day a young man about the age of 25 was walking along the sidewalk in the park. Then all of a sudden he looks up from hearing the sound of an old man sobbing. "What's wrong?" said the young man. "Well it's nothing really." said the old man. "It has to be something. Tell me about it" said the young man. "Well, everyday after I wake up in the morning, me and my wife have wild sex. Then I leave for work" the old man said. "That's not bad" the young man said. "Well, when I get home from work, my wife has already finished making lunch for me and her. Then after lunch we have more wild sex." the old man said. "That's not bad at all. There's no reason why you should be sobbing." said the young man. "When we finish making love, I go back to work at my second job. Then i come home and by that time, my wife is finished making supper. Then we eat and have wild sex again through out the night." the old man said. "If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said. Then the old man finally says why he is so glum, "I forgot where I live!"

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary... alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter... and supply a new definition!1) Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.2) Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.3) Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.4) Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn`t get it.5) Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.6) Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.7) Karmageddon: It`s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it`s like, a serious bummer.8) Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas toseem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

How many men does it take to open a beer? - None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it." So she drove the boat to shore and safely docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes."

Q: Who would win in a beer dinking contest between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Chuck Norris? A: Noone because no bar can hold that much awesomness! 11 : 2.