A lawyer, a fervent Democrat dressed in casual clothes, sits down to have his lunch in a park across from his office. The he notices a very distinguished and dignified man sit down a few feet away on the grass; he extremely well dressed in a tailored Hickey Freeman pinstriped suit, silk tie, starched white shirt, cuff links, tiepin, Rolex, highly polished black wingtips and silk socks. He places his expensive briefcase next to him and prepares for lunch. "One of those Republicans, I’ll bet" thought the lawyer, and after introducing himself, he found out he is right – not only a Republican, but an investment banker. The lawyer glances at the banker’s shoes, glistening in the sunlight. Lawyer: You have those polished every day, don’t you. Investment Banker: Just about. I have to look good for the clients. Lawyer: What about the poor? A few shoeshine would pay for a lot food. Investment Banker: I help them through taxes, but we all have personal responsibility. Lawyer: I'm telling you, the poor only need a chance! We should be GIVING them money; they haven't had our advantages! Investment Banker: We all have to work for what we have. Lawyer: Look, poverty can happen to anyone! There's no way you can know that from where you sit! "Keep talking if you want to. When I sleep, nothing wakes me…and I mean NOTHING. "The investment banker sighs, then takes off his suit jacket, places it on the grass and falls deeply asleep. Then a barefoot homeless man appears, and asks the lawyer for change. The lawyer apologizes, and says he has nothing, but then he sees the investment banker's wallet in his suit pocket. He slips it out, and hands it to the homeless man; then he notices that the homeless man needs shoes. The he has an idea…he looks over at the feet of the sleeping investment banker… "Wait!" cries the lawyer. "I'm sure you need these more than he does." He then starts to untie the investment banker's polished wingtips and carefully pulls them off. Even more carefully, he pulls off his black dress socks and hands both shoes and socks to the astonished homeless man. "With my compliments!" Then the lawyer sees a sad woman with a baby walking by. "Can I help you?" he asks her. When he finds out that she needs money for her rent, the lawyer again approaches the snoring – and now barefoot - investment banker and removes his cuff links; then he slips the tiepin out of the silk tie and the Rolex off his wrist. He hands them all to the delighted woman. "Sell these!" the lawyer cries. "Oh, thank you sir" says the delighted woman, and runs off. Next, a man in a janitor's uniform walks by, looking dejected. "What's the matter, my friend?" says the lawyer sympathetically. "I..lost my job. I have a chance for a better one, but I don't have the clothes! This is all I have!" and he holds up a pair of old polyester pants. The lawyer sighs, and then sees the businessman's pinstriped suit jacket. "Would this help?" he asks the man. "Sure!" cries the man. "You could use a briefcase, too!" says the lawyer and opens up the investment banker's briefcase. He removes the contents and hands it to the joyful man. Then he looks at the investment banker's silk tie and white shirt. Can he manage it? He has to move the investment banker a few times, but he only snores and sleeps. Then he undoes the banker's belt and pulls it off. Triumphantly he hands the shirt, belt and tie to the man. "Wait" the lawyer cries. "You really need a full suit. Give me a hand and I’ll need those polyester pants. I’m getting good at this" and with great care and trouble, set to work. Ten minutes later, the sleeping investment banker was wearing the polyester pants and the man was staring happily at his tailored suit. He thanks the lawyer profusely and runs off. "How good it is to help people!" he says to himself. Twenty minutes later, a policeman walks up to the investment banker, and snaps: "Hey buddy, wake up, no loitering! We don't allow bums to sleep here" Finally the investment banker wakes up with a start and looks down at him.

When Chuck Norris was a year old, other kids his age were eating strained peas for dinner. Chuck would have a steak, medium rare. And a baked potato.

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes I do." she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes I remember." "Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?" "Yes I do", she replied. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

Yo momma's so fat that when she got upgraded by the Cybermen, they turned her into an ice cream truck.

Salesmanship Moshe worked in an upmarket men’s clothes shop in London. One day, his boss Avrahom returned from lunch and noticed Moshe’s hand was bandaged. Before he could ask what happened, Moshe told him that he had some good news to report, "I finally sold that ridiculous suit we`ve had in stock for such a long time." "Do you mean that repulsive bright orange-and-blue double-breasted thing?" said Avrahom." "That`s the one!" said Moshe. "Mazeltov," Avrahom shouted, "I really thought we`d never get rid it - it had to be the ugliest suit we`ve ever had. But tell me, Moshe, why is your hand bandaged?" "Simple," Moshe replied, "as soon as I sold the suit to the gentleman, his guide dog bit me."

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning, with beer on your breath, and lipstick on your collar?" "There is," he replied. "I'd like some breakfast."

Two men were in a restaurant and ordered fish. The waiter brought a dish with two fish, one larger than the other. One of the men said to the other, "Please help yourself." The other one said "Okay", and helped himself to the larger fish. After a tense silence, the first one said, "really, now, if you had offered me the first choice, I would have taken the smaller fish!" The other one replied, "What are you complaining for; you have it, don't you?"

Waiter: And how did you find your steak, sir? Customer: Well, I just pushed aside a bean and there it was!

Name two tennis stars who are famous in the hamburger world? Bjorn Borger and Billie Jean-o's Burger King!

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse. Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny. Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night". Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his. If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing. When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

Only in America... Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance... Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink... Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke... Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters... Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage... Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place... Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight... Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

What did the orange say to the banana on the street corner? "Hi"

Kitchen closed - this chick has had it! * Martha Stewart doesn't live here! * I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too! * Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself! * You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it! * If you write in the dust, please don't date it! * I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener! * I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. * If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards. * A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious. * Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out. * Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives. * My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there? "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "Not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel--it was great! They'd just finished a million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the crappy haircut?"

If Chuck Norris was here in the Philippines, there would be no hostage crisis. He eats hostage-takers for breakfast!

An italian man buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced "a typical Italian" baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW!" was heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you`re the father of the typical Italian baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeenpounds," The bartender is puzzled, concerned, "Why? What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth." The Italian father takes a slow swig from his long-neck Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans in to the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee. The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again, Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the - " Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of the instructions. He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replies "Aw, Ole, why don't you just leave the car in the garage today?"

John and Tracy were in a very posh restaurant. John asked for the menu. he brought the menu to them but stated "I am not a waiter, my name is Hans and I wash the dishes for Yosfayce , the Russian chef". A few minutes later, Hans came back and said "I can't find Yosfayce or the waiter, but I will take your order" They had decided to have Squid. Hans went to get the tank. John chose the Squid, and Hans removed it from the tank and rushed it to the kitchen. Hans returned "I cannot kill that squid, as it has lots of little hairs around its mouth,I can't kill that".John insisted that he was going to have the Squid."OK" said Hans "I will find Yosfayce and get him to do it. He will kill anything "5 minutes later, Yosfayce comes over to the table and says "I can't kill the Squid, It has lots of hairs around its mouth".John asked "WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?" The Waiter appeared, and said "This means Hans that do dishes can be soft as yosfayce, with mild green hairy lipped squid"

Yo momma is so dark that she spits chocolate milk!

1. "I'll tell you one thing. If things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a weeks groceries for $20." 2 "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long when $5000 will only buy a used one." 3. "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous." 4. "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?" 5. "The Government is wanting to get its hands on everything. Pretty soon it's going to be impossible to run a family business or farm." 6. "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store." 7. "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 50 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage." 8. "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls." 9. "Not only that, but their music drives me wild. That `Rock Around The Clock` thing is nothing but racket." 10. "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying `damn` in `Gone With The Wind,` it seems every movie has a `hell` or`damn in it." 11. "Not only that,but it won't be long until couples are sleeping in the same bed in the movies. What is this world coming to?" 12."Marilyn Monroe is now showing her bra and panties, so apparently there are no standards anymore." 13. "Pretty soon you won't be able to buy a good 10 cent cigar." 14. "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas." 15. "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President." 16. "Do you suppose television will ever reach our part of the country?" 17. "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now." 18. "It's too bad that things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet." 19. "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work." 20. "Marriage doesn't mean a thing anymore, Those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat." 21. " I'll tell you one thing. If my kid ever talks back to me like that, they won't be able to sit down for a week." 22. "Did you know that the new church in town is allowing women to wear slacks to their service?" 23. "Next thing you know is, the government will start paying us not to grow crops." 24. "I'm just afraid that Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business." 25. "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress." 26. "Why in the world would you want to send your daughter to college? Isn't she going to get married? It would be different if she could be a doctor or a lawyer." 27. "I just hate to see the young people smoking. As I tell my kids, Don't take a cigarette from ANYONE. You never know what might be in it." 28. That drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on." 29. "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $6 a night to stay in a hotel." 30. "Anymore, no one can afford to be sick. $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood." 31. "If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains." 32. "I don't know about you but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home." 33. "If they thi.