Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? Um, looks to me to be backstroke, sir�?

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says. "But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter. "Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

This is an excerpt from Dave Barry's book A Guide to Guys. On the differences between men and women... Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?" And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of. And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months. And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward ... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person? And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here. And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected. And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600. And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure. And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs. And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy. And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their ... "Roger," Elaine says aloud. "What?" says Roger, startled. "Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have ... Oh my, I feel so ..." "What?" says Roger. "I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse." "There's no horse?" says Roger. "You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says. "No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer. "It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time," Elaine says. (There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally.

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and sez "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?" "Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees." he bragged and took another sip of beer. His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison. "Well, then she said, 'Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!' " he admitted.

A Scotsman, an Irishman, and an Englishman had dinner together. When the waiter came with the bill, the Scotsman promptly said he would take it. The next day the newspaper carried a headline: "English Ventriloquist Murdered In Restaurant."

A teacher was trying to get one of her students to understand a math problem by asking him this: If there are 3 birds on a powerline and a man shot one of them, how many birds are left. He answered none, because the gunshot scared the other birds away, she answered back,"I like the way you think." Then the student asked the teacher if there are three women sitting on a bench eating ice cream, one is licking the ice cream, one is biting the ice cream, and the other is sucking the ice cream, which of the three are married? The teacher turned bight red and said,"The one that is sucking the ice cream." He answered,"No, the one with the wedding ring, BUT I LIKE THE WAY U THINK."

One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're done with your homework, supper's on the table."

An engineer, an accountant, a chemist and a bureaucrat were bragging about how smart their dogs are.The engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff". The dog took out paper and pen, and drew a circle, a squareand a triangle. Everyone agreed he was smart.The accountant called, "Sliderule, do your stuff". The pooch went to the kitchen, got a dozen cookies and made four stacks of three. Everyone was impressed.The chemist called, "Beaker, do your stuff." The dog went to the fridge for a quart of milk, got a ten ounce glass and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great.The bureaucrat called, "Coffee Break,do your stuff!". Coffe Break ate the cookies, drank the milk, chewed the paper, claimed he injured his mouth doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation and took extended sick leave.

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die". 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. 4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her. "You're going to die," she replied.

Chuck Norris had a bowl of nails for breakfast...without any milk.

Two executives working in the garment center are having lunch together. Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life." "What happened?" asks Birnbaum. Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!" "You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!" "How can you say that your week was worse than mine?" asks Goldstein. "It was identical!" "You shmuck!" replies Birnbaum. "I manufacture men's garments..."

Moshe in conversation "What time is it?" Standard response: "Sorry, I don`t know." Moshe’s response: "What am I, a clock?" "I hope things turn out OK." Standard response: "Thank you." Moshe’s response: "I should be so lucky!" "Hurry up, dinner is ready." Standard response: "OK. Be right there." Moshe’s response: "Alright already, I`m coming. What`s with the `hurry` business? Is there a fire?" "Rifka and I just got engaged." Standard response: "Congratulations!" Moshe’s response: "She could do with putting on a few pounds." "Would you like to go riding with us?" Standard response: "Just say when." Moshe’s response: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?" To guest of honour at birthday party: Standard remark: "Happy birthday." Moshe’s remark: "A year smarter you should become." "Isn’t it a beautiful day?" Standard response: "It sure is." Moshe’s response: "So the sun is out, what else is new?" Answering son’s call: Standard remark: "It`s been ages since you called." Moshe’s remark: "You didn`t wonder if I`m dead yet?"

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans . When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

A worried Mrs. Melchnik sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George Your husband ...Is this 555 1374? "No, this is 555 1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?"

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?" One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say,FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

A blonde says to a brunette, ``Excuse me, but each time I sip my coffee, my eye seems to hurt.

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States. Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an American favorite but contains no ham. The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant increase in their business after the scares about health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone to the poultry and fish industries, Sale of ham and bacon remained virtually unchanged. Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale of pork products. They decided on an intensive campaign to saturate magazines television and radio with ads urging people to eat pork patties. The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress was convinced to designate the second of February as the day when every family would be urged to eat pork sausage. That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as ... Ground Hog Day.

Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please? Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with... If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help. Would the Standing Committee please sit down? 43.3% of statistics are meaningless! The difference between tax avoiding and evasion is 10 Years. Circular Definition: see Definition, Circular. Madness takes its toll; please have exact change... It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit. For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed. Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? |||||||\\\\____ The domino effect at work. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Just fill out one simple form to win a Tax Audit! Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers.

Jewish Doctors The following quotes were taken from actual medical records from Israeli hospitals... • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. • She is numb from her toes down. • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. • She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. • Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. • I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. • Discharge status: Alive but without permission. • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. • The patient refused an autopsy. • The patient has no past history of suicides. • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. • The patient`s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room. • The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed. • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

After my check-up [My thanks to Daniel S for the following] Moshe and his friends Abe, Max and Nathan meet at Brent Cross shopping centre for a coffee - as they do every Monday. They sit down and Moshe starts to discuss the importance of regular medical check-ups. He asks his friends, "So when did you all last have a medical?" All reply it was years ago. So Moshe tells them of doctor Myers, a wonderful doctor he went to and who gave him the best examination he’s ever had. He suggests they each contact doctor Myers and book a check-up ASAP. They agree to do so and take down the doctor’s phone number. The following Monday, Moshe asks his friends, "Nu, how went the medicals?" "After my check-up," says Abe, "doctor Myers asked me how old I was. I said I was seventy and he said I could expect to live another 30 years. I was so relieved and happy to hear that." "After my check-up," says Max, "doctor Myers also asked me how old I was. When I said I was eighty he said I could expect to live another 20 years. You can’t believe how fantastic it was for an eighty-year old to hear that." Nathan is looking very sad and doesn’t say anything at first. But Moshe eventually persuades him to discuss how his medical went. "Being older than all of you," says Nathan, "I have been loathe to see a doctor. But when Moshe told us of doctor Myers, I reluctantly booked to see him. After my check-up, the doctor asked me how old I was. When I said I was ninety, he looked at me and said, ‘Thanks for coming. Have a nice day.’"