Q: What did one strawberry say to the other? A: "If you weren't so fresh last night, we wouldn't be in this jam together!"

A husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly." To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He continued, "In fact, I've had enough of all your Bickering. I'm going to the bar!" So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?" His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake." "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband. "Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

1. Ask for last months specials. 2. Place your order in three different languages if you don't know any, make them up. 3. When they repeat your order totally change it. Repeat as desired. 4. Order a whopper from McDonalds, when they say they don't have whoppers insist that they do. If they still argue demand to see a manager then when you talk to them order a normal meal and say i don't know what's up with kids these days. 5. Go to any burger joint and order Chinese. 6. When ordering in the drive through, ask if its happy hour on draft beer. 7. In summer turn stereo up full volume to Christmas music while ordering in drive through. 8. Drive in the drive through, park, then go inside and order. 9. Go through the drive through in reverse, again. 10. Wait for the busiest time of day, after paying get out of car, get jack out of trunk and proceed to rotate tires.

Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup. Waiter: There can't be. We used them all in the raisin bread...

Why do waiters prefer elephants to flies? Have you ever heard anyone complaining of a elephant in their soup? .

One of my daughter`s wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner`s manual!" her husband shouted."I can`t find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box."Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner`s manual is burnt to a crisp."

Waiter, your tie is in my soup! That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

At the vending machine a man put a coin and watched powerlessly while the cup failed to appear. One nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it. "Now that`s real automation! He exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!.

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair... try these." The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."

If you look closely at the bottom of the XX Beer commercials, you can read the fine print that states they're actually featuring the SECOND Most Interesting Man in the World after Chuck Norris.

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate Dear Desperate, First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command "! http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember,overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 . Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend! Food 3.0 and HotLingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support.

A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me." "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

A woman goes to her doctor. She has a breadstick up her nose, a potato in her right ear and string bean in her left ear. She says, "Doctor, can you help me? I don't feel well, and I cannot figure out what's wrong." The doctor replies; "Well my dear you are clearly not eating properly!"

Two girls were having their packed lunch in the school yard. One had an apple and the other said, 'Watch out for worms won't you!' The first one replied, 'why should I? They can watch out for themselves.

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You answer the door before people knock.

How to Change Your OilWomen:1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube 3000 miles after the last oil change.2. Drink a cup of coffee.3. Fifteen minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.Men:1. Go to O`Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O`Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.3. Open a beer and drink it.4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.5. Find jack stands under kid`s pedal car.6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.7. Place drain pan under engine.8. Look for 13mm box end wrench.9. Give up and use crescent wrench.10. Unscrew drain plug.11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on hand in the process.12. Clean up.13. Have another beer while oil is draining.14. Look for oil filter wrench.15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips head screwdriver and twist it off.16. Beer.17. Buddy shows up. Finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car, dump in hole in back yard.19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during steps 11, 15, & 18.20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.21. Walk to 7-11 and buy beer.22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.24. Remember drain plug from step 11.25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. Pan is empty. Find drain plug in back yard hole.26. Hurry to replace drain plug as last drop of fresh oil drains onto floor.27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.28. Bang head on bumper in reaction.29. Begin cussing fit.30. Throw wrench.31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December .32. Clean up. Apply Band-Aid to knuckle.33. Beer.34. Beer.35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.36. Beer.37. Lower car from jack stands.38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 26.40. Drive car a quart low for 7000 miles when it`ll be time for another oil change.

On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crew members take turns in the galley helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and spilling food.One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet cake cooling on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate icing and decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my CORNBREAD go?" he shouted.

It's the first day of kindergarten, and the teacher decides to do taste association. 'I'll blindfold you and give you a lifesaver, and you tell me what flavor it is,' she tells the children. So she gives them all a cherry flavor, and says, 'What flavor is that?' The whole class answers 'Mmmm, that's cherry.' 'Very good,' the teacher replies. So she gives them all a grape and they reply, 'Mmm, that's grape.' 'Very good,' she says again. Then she gives them all a honey flavor. The whole class sits perplexed by the strange taste, so the teacher says 'OK, I'll give you a hint, it's something your parents might call each other.' Billy spits his out on the floor and yells, 'Spit 'em out everyone, they're ASSHOLES!'.

Chin-Chin the panda was on trial for entering a New York City restaurant, eating dinner, pulling out a machine gun, and shooting out the windows and doors. The judge looked at Chin-Chin's lawyer and proclaimed, "Thirty eyewitnesses saw your client pay for dinner, shoot up the place, and leave. Security cameras caught the entire incident on video. I have no choice but to sentence your client..." "Wait a second, your honor," said the lawyer, "My client may be guilty, but there are extenuating circumstances. He couldn't help his behavior that night, and if you look up the word 'panda' in the dictionary, you'll have no choice but to agree." The judge was puzzled, but he had his secretary bring his dictionary into court. There, under the letter P, he found; "PANDA: Black and white bear from China that eats shoots and leaves."