This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

One day Mikey was sitting in his apartment when his doorbell unexpectedly rang. He answered the door and found a salesman standing on his porch with a strange object. "What is that?" Mikey asked. "It's a thermos," the salesman replied. "What does it do?" asked Mikey. "This baby," the salesman said, "keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." After some deliberation Mikey bought one, deciding it would really help his lunch situation. The next day he arrived at the plant where he works. Sure enough, all the other employees were curious about his new object. "What is it?" they asked. "It's a thermos," Mikey replied. "What does it do?" they asked. "Well," Mikey says in a bragging manner, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." "What do ya got in it?" To which Mikey says, "Three cups of coffee.

Q: What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween? A: Ghoul-aid! * Q: What is a Mummie's favorite type of music? A: Wrap! * Q: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together? A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend! * Q: What's a monster's favorite bean? A: A human bean. * Q: What do you call a witch who lives at the beach? A: A sand-witch. * Q: Where does a ghost go on Saturday night? A: Anywhere where he can boo-gie. * Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat? A: Ghoul * Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar? A: For the Boos. * Q: Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? A: He didn't have a haunting license. * Q: Why didn't the skeleton dance at the party? A: He had no body to dance with. * Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? A: At the casketeria. * Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? A: He is mist. * Q: Where did the goblin throw the football? A: Over the ghoul line. * Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater? A: Because he is always a goblin. * Q: What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire? A: A toasty ghosty. * Q: What tops off a ghost's ice cream sundae? A: Whipped scream. * Q: What do you give a skeleton for valentine's day? A: Bone-bones in a heart shaped box. * Q: What is a vampires favorite holiday? A: Fangsgiving * Q: What kind of makeup do ghosts wear? A: mas-scare-a. * Q: Who was the most famous ghost detective? A: Sherlock Moans. * Q: What is a ghosts favorite place on the web? A: www.halloween.com! * Q: Who was the most famous witch detective? A: Warlock Holmes.

Men should be like coffee: strong, hot and not letting you sleep for the whole night. However, most of them are like copy machines: suitable only for reproduction.

A dog comes into a bar and asks for a beer the bartender, a little surprised serves the dog the beer the dog drinks the beer and asks for the bill "it'll be 10 dollars" says the bartender the dog pays and is leaving through the door when the bartender says "it is not usual to have dogs here drinking" the dog hears and answers "for 10 dollars a beer no dog can keep drinking here"

What is the meaning of life? All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.

You know, I wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.

A guy goes into a pharmacy walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for some condoms. The pharmacist says: "well they come in packs of 3, 9, and 12". The kid says: "well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after that were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she had me she wont be able to get enough, so better make it twelve". Meanwhile he goes home and gets ready and heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her parents. They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says it and goes on and on and on... The girl leans over and says: "you didn't tell me you were such a religious person", and he leans back and says: "you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist".

Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.

After drinking a case of Corona beer, Chuck Norris' urine smells like a steaming platter of chicken fajitas.

A carjacker attempted to take Chuck Norris' Lexus. Chuck pulled him through the window, stuffed the jacker's head up his own ass, then threw him back out the window. Chuck then went for coffee at Starbucks.

Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup! Then we've served you too much soup, the fly should be wading.

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor? A: Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

The big escape [My thanks to Hilary for the following] Sarah, Rebecca and Sadie work in the same Golders Green accounts office and every day they notice their tough and demanding boss Kitty leaving work early. So they decide that when Kitty next leaves early, they would leave right after her. After all, she never phones them or returns to work later on, so how would she know they left early? That afternoon, Kitty leaves early again and within 5 minutes, so do Sarah, Rebecca and Sadie. Sarah is thrilled to get home early. She does some gardening, plays with her son and goes to bed early. Rebecca is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before going out on a dinner date. Sadie is happy to get home early because she wants to surprise her husband. But when she gets to her bedroom door, she hears muffled noises from inside. She opens the door quietly and is shocked to see her husband in bed with her boss Kitty. Gently, Sadie closes the door and creeps out the house. Next day, during their coffee break, Sarah and Rebecca agree to leave early again and ask Sadie if she is going to leave with them. "No way," says Sadie, "I almost got caught by Kitty yesterday and I don’t want to take another chance."

Chuck Norris can wet dry wine.

There`s a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".The atheist yells back, "There is no God".She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord".The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there`s the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!".The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!"

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: * Compliment her * cuddle her * kiss her * caress her * love her * stroke her * tease her * comfort her * protect her * hug her * hold her * spend money on her * wine & dine her * buy things for her * listen to her * care for her * stand by her * support her * go to the ends of the earth for her... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: * Show up naked.

Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?""No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don`t have to, my mom is a good cook!"

A surprise restaurant visit [My thanks to Frank R for the following] Rabbi Levy is walking home from shul one shabbes when he sees Issy in front of him. Issy is a learned and respected man who can hold his own with the rabbi on tulmudic discussions. As Rabbi Levy tries to catch up with Issy, he is shocked to see him go into ‘The Chinese Crab’ restaurant. As he looks through the window, Rabbi Levy sees Issy giving his order to a waiter and a short time later sees the food arrive – a plate of shrimps, lobsters and crabs. As Issy picks up the chopsticks and starts to eat, Rabbi Levy bursts into the restaurant and confronts Issy. "Issy, just what do you think you are doing coming into this restaurant and ordering this treif? You are not only violating everything we are taught about the dietary laws, but you also seem to be enjoying this food." "Rabbi," says Issy, "did you see me enter this establishment?" "Yes." "And did you see me order this food?" "Yes." "And did you see the waiter bring the food to me?" "Yes." "And did you then see me eat the food?" "Yes." "Then I don`t see a problem, rabbi. Everything was done under full Rabbinical Supervision."