Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began? Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" "That fellow traveling through," said the farmer,"needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry.." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn. About an hour later, the daughter returned, her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went. The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed. The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!" "What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!" The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out... "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

An elderly couple is sharing an intimate dinner in honor of their 75th wedding anniversary. The man says softly, "Dear, there is something I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our sixth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now, let me assure you these 75 years have been the most wonderful I could have hoped for, and your answer will not take all that away. But, please tell me: did he have a different father?" His wife lowers her eyes, pauses for a moment, and then confesses, "Yes. Yes, he did." The old man tightens, very shaken, the reality hitting him hard. "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?" Again, the woman lowers her head, trying to muster the courage to finally tell her husband the truth. She says, "You."

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shhhure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded, "Well, heck, if you're that far along you might as well finish the job."

Jack was single. He lived in a small flat, which he shared with a pet parrot and a pit bull terrier named spike. When Jack's dishwashing machine broke down, he asked his neighbor Pet, the repairman to come and fix it. "The terrier won't harm you, said Jack before leaving, "But whatever you do, NEVER SPEAK TO THE PARROT" Soon after, the parrot started on Pet: "I heard your wife shout at you the other day, you are such a wimp" Pet ignored it and kept working. "You couldn't change your flat tire the other day" said the parrot, "so how are you going to fix a dishwashing machine?" Fed up, Pet replied, "Okay. How would I expect you, with the brain the size of a bean to talk any sense?" That`s it! Said the parrot, Spike, Get him!

Martha`s way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone.Martha`s way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you`ll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds.Martha`s way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.My way: Buy a mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.Martha`s way #4: To prevent eggshells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard-boiling.My way: Who cares if they crack, aren`t you going to take the shells off anyway?Martha`s way #5: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.My way: Eat out every night and avoid cooking.Martha`s way #6: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won`t be any stains.`My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won`t be any leftovers.Martha`s way #7: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won`t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.My way: Go to the bakery. They`ll even decorate it for you.Martha`s way #8: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it`s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up".My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that`s too bad. My motto: If it`s cooked, you will eat it no matter how bad it tastes.Martha`s way #9: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?Martha`s way #10: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn`s natural sweetness.My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.Martha`s way #11: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.My way: Go ask the muscular neighbor to do it.Martha`s way #12: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.My way: Instant mashed potatoes will now be next to the anti-bacterial soap in a handy dispenser next to my sink.Martha`s way #13: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer:* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour .My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

A disciple went to his master and said, "I have served you faithfully for ten years. Now I have a wish: give me something to eat which will never end." His master said, "Here, have some chewing gum."

A young woman brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man. The father invited the fiance to his study for a talk. "So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man. "I am a biblical scholar," he replied. "A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?" "I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father. "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us." "And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiance. The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide. Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?" The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God!"

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food and was constantly sending his man- servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water. Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned empty-handed. "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir. 'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,"but a man is sitting on the well."

A biologist had been working on a remote research project in the Amazon jungle. Upon his return to the States, he came down with a terrible illness. After his health had deteriorated, his wife took him to a doctor who specialized in strange jungle diseases. The doctor gave him a complete examination and a series of tests. After receiving the results of the tests, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told the young biologist's wife, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, and generally do anything he asks. Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. " If you can do this for the next 10 months or so, I think your husband will regain his health completely. Otherwise...well... He'll probably die" On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" she replied. "Honey...he says you're probably going to die."

Why don`t mexicans bbq? The beans fall through the little holes.

"It's So Hot In Texas That..." *The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground. *The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper. *Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs. ================================= "It's So Dry In Texas That..." *The cows are giving evaporated milk. *The trees are whistling for the dogs. *A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old." *A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?" A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?" The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, we got about two and a half inches of that." ====================================== "You Know You're In Texas When..." *You no longer associate bridges with water. *You can say 110 degrees without fainting. *You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off. *You can make instant sun tea. *You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron. *The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly. *You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car. *You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window. *You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. *Hot water now comes out of both taps. *It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets. *You actually burn your hand opening the car door. *You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work. *No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning. *Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?" *You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The operation Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I`m in here to get my tonsils out and I`m a little nervous." The first kid says, "You`ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It`s a breeze." The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." And the second kid says, "Whoa, I had that done when! I was born. Couldn`t walk for a year."

Is your food spicy Sir? No, smoke always comes out of my ears!

That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class I'd sleep right through it. - that I would change so much and barely realize it. - that you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. - that college kids throw airplanes, too. - that if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up. - that every clock on campus shows a different time. - that if you were smart in high school - so what? - that I would go to a party the night before a final. - that chem labs require more time than all my other classes put together. - that you can know everything and fail a test. - that you can know nothing and ace a test. - that I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roomie. - that home is a great place to visit. - that most of my education would be obtained outside my classes. - that friendship is more than getting drunk together. - that I would be one of those people my parents warned me about. - that free food served at 10:00 is gone by 9:50. - that Sunday is a figment of the world's imagination. - that psychology is really biology, biology is really chemistry, chemistry is really physics, and physics is really math. - that I really wouldn't be with that high school friend for the rest of my life. - that dorms can be both your lifeline and personal hell at the same time. - that beer would play an intricate role in my future. - that Ramen and spaghetti would be my life. - how much I would miss my washer and dryer at home. - that I would no longer get allowance.

Zen philosophy to "enlighten" your day... Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. No one is listening until you make a mistake. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. Don't squat with your spurs on. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. Good judgement comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. A closed mouth gathers no foot. Duct tape is like the force: it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

This hous wife got tired of being alone everyday since her husband was at work and her 3 daughters were in school, so she decided to get a pet to keep her company. She walks into the local pet store and tells him that she wants a talking parrot. The clerk tells her that they do have 1 talking parrot, but that she wouldn't like him. "Why not? " She asks. "Well, he has been around a bit and has picked up some colorful language, and you did say that you have a family," he replied. "Well, my girls are old enough and they've heard it all. Just let me see him." The clerk finally agrees to show the lady the parrot and she insists on purchasing it right away. When she got home she covered the cage with a towel and went to get dinner ready for the family. When she uncovered the cage, "Brawkk!" said the parrot, looking around. "New place. New Madam. Morning Madam." "Uh, morning parrot," she said and then went to make breakfast. A few minutes later her daughters game down stairs, dressed and ready for school. "Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Morning Girls." "Morning Parrot," they replied and went to help their mother get breakfast ready. Soon the man of the house came down unshaven and in his bathrobe. "Brawkk! New place. New Madam. New Girls. Same old customers. Morning Phil!"

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens. "It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?" "Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water." The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

The car crash Rabbi Bloom and Father Michael get into a car accident and it`s a bad one. Both cars are crushed but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, Rabbi Bloom sees the priest`s collar and says, "Just look at our cars - there`s nothing left, but we`re unhurt. You`re a priest and I`m a rabbi so it must be a sign from God. He must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." Father Michael replies, "I agree with you completely. This truly must be a sign from God." Rabbi Bloom then says, "Look - here`s another miracle. Although my car is wrecked, this bottle of wine didn`t break. God must want us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." He hands the bottle to the priest. Father Michael takes a few big swigs and passes the bottle back to Rabbi Bloom who puts the cork back in and hands it back to the priest. Father Michael asks, "Aren`t you having any wine?" "No. I think I`ll just wait for the police," says Rabbi Bloom.