Diner: Waitress, the portions are getting smaller. Waiter: It's just an optical illusion. It's just that the restaurant has been enlarged.

How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.

Two hunters are in the woods in deer season. The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together. As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside. Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear`s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes. The other hunter bewildered asks "You don`t really think you can out run that bear do you?" The first hunter replies, "No, but I can outrun you."

Why was the 2 piece bikini invented? To separate the meat section from the dairy section. It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young blonde woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!""So would I," quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break." Don't believe everything that you see. Most of it is done with smoke and mirrors and push-up bras! The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company." "That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?" "I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know." What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties? Self employed. Two Ministers were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self righteously. "Did you?""I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?" What's the difference between a bonus and a penis? A woman will always blow a bonus. "Crime of passion" is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion. Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? You have to wait an hour for a three I minute ride. Last night I came home, I walked in the house, I picked up the extension. My wife was having phone sex with some guy. I told the guy, "Don't let her fool you, she's faking it." An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested. "Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

Why is Toblerone triangular? So it will fit in the box.

Saturday, October 13. 2007 What did the little ghost eat for lunch? A booloney sandwich!

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU" written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand. Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean? The little girl replies, "I love you." The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet," and continues with class. The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy raises his hand and says, "It means, You are special." "Thank you sweetheart", the teacher says. The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, "Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!".

There were three guys on a building and they all jumped off. One of them were white, one of them were mexican, and the other one was black. They all went to hell. When they got to hell the devil told them that if he grabs their dick and it doesnt melt he would let them go back to earth and live again. The white guy got up on the throne and the devil held his dick. His dick melted. The devil told him he was going to burn in hell forever. The mexican guy got up there and the devil held his dick. His dick melted. The devil told him he was going to burn in hell forever. The black guy got up there and the devil held his dick. His dick didnt melt. The devil was suprised to see that his dick didnt melt. The devil then asked why his dick didnt melt. The black guy says, "Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand."

Chuck Norris chugs bottles of whiskey as if they were cans of light beer.

Only in America Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in.

The term 'tough as iron nails' does not apply to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats iron nails in his cereal every morning.

I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.

Waiter, waiter, does the pianist play requests? Yes, sir. Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I've finished my meal.

Fred collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. "You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl. Fred thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."

What food is good for the brain? Noodle soup.

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna.

Yo momma is so poor that I came over for dinner and she read me recipes.

After the third day of a really torrid honeymoon, the young couple finally emerged from their room and walked into the hotel restaurant. After they were seated, the waiter came over to get their orders. The new husband looked at his bride and said, "You know what I really feel like honey?" "Well sure," she blushed, "But we gotta eat sometime!"

Are you old enough to remember these roadside messages? DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT **Burma-Shave** DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING **Burma-Shave** BROTHER SPEEDERS LET'S REHEARSE ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING NURSE **Burma-Shave** CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND LOTS MORE STEER **Burma-Shave** THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE **Burma-Shave** SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT **Burma-Shave** AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY--SPLIT IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? **Burma-Shave** PASSING CARS WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE OF ETERNITY **Burma-Shave** NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU **Burma-Shave** A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' **Burma-Shave** AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY **Burma-Shave** BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE **Burma-Shave** THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING **Burma-Shave.