1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. Can you please try breathing through your nose. 6. A little rug burn never hurt anyone. 7. Darling, did you lock the back door? 8. But whipped cream makes me break out in a rash. 9. person 1: This is your first time...right? person 2: It is... today 10. Can you pass me the remote control? 11. Do you accept Visa? 12. On second thoughts, let's turn off the lights. 13. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend. 14. So much for mouth-to-mouth 15. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 16. Try not to smear my make-up, will you'? 17. But I just brushed my teeth... 18. Smile, you're on candid camera! 19. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?! 20. I want a baby! 21. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies! 22. Why am I doing all the work? 23. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 24. When is this supposed to feel good? 25. Did I remember to take my pill? 26. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 27. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow. 28. Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed? 29. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 30. No, really.. I do this part better myself. 31. This would be more fun with a few more people. 32. You're almost as good as my ex! 33. You look younger than you feel. 34. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 35. Now I know why she dumped you... 36. Does your husband own a sawn off shot-gun? 37. Have you ever considered liposuction? 38. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 39. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 40. I'll tell you I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about.. 41. Does this count as a date? 42. I think biting is romantic- don't you? 42. When would you like to meet my parents? 43. Have you seen "fatal attraction"? 44. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not to good with names. 45. Don't mind me... I always file my nails in bed. 46. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a doberman. 47. Sorry but I don't do toes. 48. You could at least act like you're enjoying it! 49. Keep the noise down, my mother is a light sleeper. 50. I've slept with more women than Casanova!

Two brothers, ages 6 and 8, decide they are old enough to start cursing. So they plan to use dirty words the next morning at breakfast. The 8-year-old says he'll use the world HELL and tells the 6-year-old to use ASS. Well, the next morning they head downstairs for breakfast. And when their mother asks them what they want, the 8-year-old says, "Ah, Hell, I'll have some Fruit Loops." Shocked, the mother wheels around and backhands him on his chair, sending him screaming back upstairs. She then turns to the 6-year-old and says, "What are you going to have?" He replies, "I don't know, but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Fruit Loops."

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. * I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. * I used to come here all the time with my ex. * I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it. * Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. * I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. * And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest. * I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask. * It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

Chuck Norris can ski on lava and roast marshmallows on snow.

What do chiropodists eat for breakfast? Cornflakes :).

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

The sandwich Every time someone goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami sandwich on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane.It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!

WOMEN SPEAK IN ESTROGEN AND MEN LISTEN IN TESTOSTERONE by Matt Groening RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need. SEX: Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. MATURITY: Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out. MAGAZINES: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. HANDWRITING: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note! BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items. GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. CATS: Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats. LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style." THE TELEPHONE: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. RICHARD GERE: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women. MADONNA: Same as above, but reversed. Same reason. LOCKER ROOMS: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker-sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie. MOVIES: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. TIME: When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays. FRIENDS: Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?" RESTROOMS: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and punched him as hard as he could in the nose. The Englishman fell to the ground and was howling in agony and holding his nose for thirty minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to punch you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the lousy egg."

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..." A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Ginger!" The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger!" Once again the woman smiled and thought, "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!"

Q: Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant, always insist on taking the leftovers home?A: Because they know the Chinese remainder theorem!

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers. The bartender says "I'll have to charge you extra, that's a root beer float". The guy says "In that case, better make it a double."

Jewish Dictionary extracts AFIKOMMENTS n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo. BAGELA n. A gay Jewish baker. BIALY ACHE n. The result of lunch at your mother`s and dinner at your mother-in-law`s. BLINTZKRIEG n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even though "I won`t be able to eat for a week!" Particularly common four to six hours after special-occasion gluttony. BUBBEGUM n. Sweets one`s mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her own children. CHUTZPAPA n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby`s nappy. DEJA NU n. Having the feeling you`ve seen the same exasperated look on your mother`s face but not knowing exactly when. DISKVELLIFIED vb. To drop out of law school, medical school, or business school, as seen through the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to study art history when Irvine`s son, David, is studying biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.) DISORIYENTA n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a conversation with everyone she passes. HEBORT vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one`s Bar Mitzvah. HEBRUTE n. Israeli after shave. HINDSTEIN n. A Semitic smart-ass. IMPASTA n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she is observant. JEWBILATION n. Pride in finding out that one`s favourite celebrity is Jewish. JEWDO n. A traditional form of self-defence based on talking one`s way out of a tight spot. KINDERSCHLEP vb. To be called on to car pool more children than one has fingers, in a car that was made in Japan. MAMATZAH BALLS n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make. MATZILATION n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it. MEINSTEIN slang. "My son, the genius." MINYASTICS n. Going to incredible lengths to find a tenth person to complete a minyan. MISHPOCHAMARKS n. The assorted lipstick and makeup stains found on one`s face and collar after kissing all one`s aunts and cousins at a reception. RE-SHTETLEMENT n. Moving from Leyton to Edgware and finding all your old neighbours live in the same road as you. SANTASHMANTA n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hanukkah while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas. SCHLERM n. The wrinkled end of a Blooms salami. SCHMUCKLUCK n. Finding out one`s wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy. SHOFARSOGUT n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown at the end of Yom Kippur. TORAHFIED n. Inability to remember one`s lines when called to read from the Torah at one`s Bar or Bat Mitzvah. TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT n. An appetiser one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it. YENTILITY n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases include "Trust me", "Your secret is safe with me," and "If you can`t tell me, who can you tell?" YIDENTIFY vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds. "That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer. "If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive. The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to. "Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog." "Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

Job search My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn`t concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn`t hack it … so they gave me the axe. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn`t suited for it … mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a Quick Fit Centre, but that was exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn`t cut it. Then I tried to be a chef, figured it would add spice to my life, but I just didn`t have the thyme. Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn`t cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn`t noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn`t have any patients. Next was a job in a shoe factory, I tried but I just didn`t fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn`t live on my net income. Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell. I managed to get a job working for a swimming pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn`t up to it. So then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn`t fit for the job. Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking. After years of trying to find work, I finally got a job as an historian, until I realised there was no future in it. My last job was working at Starbucks Coffee, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED, AND I FOUND I AM A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!

Mrs. Smith`s elderly husband doesn't feel well so she takes him to the dr. Mr. Smith leaves her in the waiting room for a while. Finally the Dr. comes and says, "Mrs. Smith I`m sorry to tell you that your husband is going to die." Mrs. Smith says, "Dr. is there anything I can do?" the Dr. told her "well there is a couple of things you could do: First you could cook him a wonderful dinner every night. Second you could give him a nice back rub every night. Third you could make love to him like you never have before every night." Mrs. Smith says ok. A little while later Mr. Smith comes out and asks Mrs. Smith "what did the Dr. say?" Mrs. Smith says, "I`m sorry honey but you are going to die."

"Filthy, Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" "Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair" "Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time" "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up" "Procrastinate Now" "Rehab Is for Quitters" "My Dog Can Lick Anyone" "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?" "Party -- My Crib - Two A: M." "If a woman's place is in the home WHY AM I ALWAYS IN THIS CAR!" "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING" "A hangover is the wrath of grapes" "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!" "They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken" "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead" "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ...Cops have nothing to go on." "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH" "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS--But it uses up a thousand times the memory." "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana." "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig." "HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF LATER. LAZINESS PAYS OFF NOW!" "The trouble with life is there's no background music." "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson." "Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane." "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT" "Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit." "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."