It probably seems like I'm listening to your story, but I'm really thinking, "close your fucking menu or the waiter will never come over."
Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a fineapple.
The dinner I was cooking for my family was going to be a surprise but the fire trucks ruined it.
Cannibals like to meat people.
I love the way you move...like butter on a bald monkey.
I'm ready to start a family, in the sense that I have enough chip clips for 6 people.
My idea of flirting is giving a girl 1 of my 10 tacos.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
If you enjoy arguing about lunches at 6 AM I can't recommend parenting highly enough.
Me: *sneaks out of the house* *drives to another state* *hides in a cave* *quietly opens a bag of chips* My kids: Can we have some?
Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears.
Gurl, you remind me of a box of chocolates.....(Why?) Cause I want to take your top off.
I eat my tacos over a Tortilla. That way when stuff falls out, BOOM, another taco.
I would request a last meal of soda and pop rocks so I could die on my own terms.
Anyone can sit here and buy you drinks. I want to buy you dinner!
I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.
Food Trivia

The average person eats eight pounds of grapes each year.

Food Joke

{"id":22,"text":"I've just written a song about tortillas - actually, it's more of a rap.","created_at":"2018-05-13 01:00:04","updated_at":"2018-05-13 01:00:04"}

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