Two men went into a pub, ordered two beers, took some sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them. "You can`t eat your own sandwiches in here," complained the pub-owner. The two men stopped, looked at each other and then swapped their sandwiches.
Top 10 Things Heard Outside The New Mel Gibson Movie10. "Hey -- no shoving, Monsignor!"9. "I don`t know why they added subtitles -- everyone speaks Aramaic"8. "I`m hoping my medium Mountain Dew will miraculously be changed into an extra large Mountain Dew"7. "These `Lord of the Ring` films are getting odder and odder"6. "Was this really based on a book?"5. "Twelve dollars for a movie ticket? Now that`s a sin, am I right, people?"4. "The Pope loved it almost as much as "Barber Shop 2`"3. "Uh...I don`t feel like dinner right now."2. "That was awesome when Trump fired Pontius Pilate"1. "Don`t tell me the ending"
A humble little man in a restaurant shyly touched the arm of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me, he said, "but do you happen to be Mr. Williams of Main? "No, I`m not! the man answered with annoyance. "Oh¦er¦well, stutter the little man, "you see, I am, and that`s his overcoat you`re putting on..
A newspaper is a daily marvel, even a miracle. There are 1,730 of them published daily in the United States with a combined circulation of nearly 62 million. Limitless possibilities exist for error, human and mechanical. Add the crushing pressure of deadlines, and it`s surprising there aren`t more mistakes.When goofs do occur, editors scurry to print corrections, even though we often prefer the misprint to the corrected version.Here just a few samples:1. IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."2. It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.3. There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.4.From a California bar association`s newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."5. We apologize to our readers who received, through an unfortunate computer error, the chest measurements of members of the Female Wrestlers Association instead of the figures on the sales of soybeans to foreign countries.6. In Frank Washburn`s March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.7. There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.8. Our article about Jewish burial customs contained an error: Mourners` clothing is rent -- that is, torn -- not rented.9. In the City Beat section of Friday`s paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.10. Just to keep the record straight, it was the famous Whistler`s Mother, not Hitler`s, that was exhibited. There is nothing to be gained in trying to explain how this error occurred.11. Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.12. Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.13. In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.14. Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson`s wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I`m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."15. In one edition of today`s Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley`s Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.16. The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response To "I love you." Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the backside and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it. Birth control would come in ale or lager. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL Team of your choice. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance. Tanks would be far easier to rent. Garbage would take itself out. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps." Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!" Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the crooks. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off." The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot thong. People would never talk about how fresh they felt. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
"What is Pi?"A mathematician: "Pi is the ratio of the circumference of a circle to its diameter."A computer programmer: "Pi is 3.141592653589 in double precision."A physicist: "Pi is 3.14159 plus or minus 0.000005."An engineer: "Pi is about 22/7."A nutritionist: "Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!"
List of the Funniest Bumper Stickers In America 1. Constipated People Don't Give A shit. 2. That is so five minutes ago! 3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People. 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon? 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut. 6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point. 7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better. 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant. 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking. 10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing. 11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling. 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings". 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer. 14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger. 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger. 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass. 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me 18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home 19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha 20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me 21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time 22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult 23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away? 24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name 25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway 26. Illiterate? Write For Help 27. Honk If Anything Falls Off 28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes 29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit 30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person 31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool! 32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To 33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket? 34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong... 38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back! 39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... 40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph. 41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge 42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut? 43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One. 44. Ax Me About Ebonics 45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel 46. Boldly Going Nowhere 47. Cat: The Other White Meat 48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde 49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That 50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends. 51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window 52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost? 53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets. 54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch 55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It! 56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom. 57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN. 58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets. 59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them 60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. 63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious. 64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad? 65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Why did the dog go to the doctor after a tomato fell on his head? The tomato was in a can.
Speaking of Las Vegas another friend says he can always hide his gambling winnings from his wife. He stuffs the money into her cook books.
Knock Knock Who's there! Banana! Banana who? Banana split so ice creamed!
A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cursing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass." "OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios." WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man? "I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,"So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days." Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?" The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish." "Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish." The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him. The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"
The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom and says, "Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto." Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?" By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well," says the Captain, "First, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I'm gonna make love to her all night long." Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes, flat on her face. The old lady leans over to her and says calmly, "No need to run, dear. He said he's gotta take a shit first!"
Fred! What did I say I'd do if I found you with your fingers in the butter again? That's funny, Mom. I can't remember either.
What did the hamburger say when it pleaded 'not guilty'? I've been flamed!
Roy Collette and his brother-in-law have been exchanging the same pair of pants as a Christmas present for 11 years-- and each time the package gets harder to open. This year the pants came wrapped in a car mashed into a 3-foot cube. The trousers are in the glove compartment of a 1974 Gremlin. Now Collette's plotting his revenge -- if he can get them out. It all started when Collette received a pair of moleskin trousers from his brother-in-law, Larry Kunkel of Bensenville, Illinois. Kunkel's mother had given her son the britches when he was a college student. He wore them a few times, but they froze stiff in cold weather and he didn't like them. So he gave them to Collette. Collette, who called the moleskins "miserable," wore them three times, then wrapped them up and gave them back to Kunkel for Christmas the next year. The friendly exchange continued routinely until Collette twisted the pants tightly, stuffed them into a 3-foot-long, 1-inch wide tube and gave them back to Kunkel. The next Christmas, Kunkel compressed the pants into a 7-inch square, wrapped them with wire and gave the "bale" to Collette. Not to be outdone, the next year Collette put the pants into a 2-foot-square crate filled with stones, nailed it shut, banded it with steel and gave the trusty trousers back to Kunkel. The brothers agreed to end the caper if the trousers were damaged. But they were as careful as they were clever. Kunkel had the pants mounted inside an insulated window that had a 20-year guarantee and shipped them off to Collette. Collette broke the glass, recovered the trousers, stuffed them into a 5-inch coffee can and soldered it shut. The can was put in a 5-gallon container filled with concrete and reinforcing rods and given to Kunkel the following Christmas. Two years ago, Kunkel installed the pants in a 225 pound homemade steel ashtray made from 8-inch steel casings and etched Collette's name on the side. Collette had some trouble retrieving the treasured trousers, but succeeded without burning them with a cutting torch. Last Christmas, Collette found a 600-pound safe and hauled it to Viracon Inc. in Owatonna, where the shipping department decorated it with red and green stripes, put the pants inside and welded the safe shut. The safe was then shipped to Kunkel, who is the plant manager for Viracon's outlet in Bensenville. Last week, the pants were trucked to Owatonna, 55 miles south of Minneapolis, in a drab green, 3-foot cube that once was a car with 95,000 miles on it. A note attached to the 2,000-pound scrunched car advised Collette that the pants were inside the glove compartment. "This will take some planning," Collette said. "I will definitely get them out. I'm confident." But he's waiting until January to think about how to recover the bothersome britches. "Wait until next year," he warned. "I'm on the offensive again."
On every continent of the world, there is a sandwich named after Chuck Norris. On the North American continent it's the Knuckle Sandwich.
Food Trivia

Honeybee workers must visit 2 million flowers to make one pound of honey.

Food Joke

{"id":1503,"text":"On every continent of the world, there is a sandwich named after Chuck Norris. On the North American continent it's the Knuckle Sandwich.","created_at":"2024-05-15 01:00:03","updated_at":"2024-05-15 01:00:03"}

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