What a coincidence! Maurice and Isaac found themselves sitting next to each other in a New York bar. After a while, Maurice looks at Isaac and says, "I can`t help but think, from listening to you, that you`re from Israel." Isaac responds proudly, "I am!" Maurice says, "So am I! And where might you be from?" Isaac answers, "I`m from Jerusalem." Maurice responds, "So am I! And where did you live?" Isaac says, "A lovely little area two miles east of King David`s Hotel. Not too far from the old city" Maurice says, "Unbelievable! What school did you attend?" Isaac answers, "Well, I attended Yeshiva University." Maurice gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" Isaac answers, "I graduated in 1984." Maurice exclaims, "Amazing! This is Berschert. Hashem wanted us to meet! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Yeshiva University in 1984 also." About this time, Moishe enters the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over to him shaking his head & mutters, "It`s going to be a long night tonight, the Goldberg twins are drunk again."

Teacher: If you saw me standing by a witch, what fruit would it remind you of? Pupil: A pear.

A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira`s ice cream shop in Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer, eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99 pounds of it, because it wasn`t smooth enough.

Q: Where do tired linedancers go for Breakfast? A: Ihop.

One day Little Johnny asks his Mum, "How come when I come in to your room you and you're on top of Daddy, you say you're making a sandwich, but after a while I come in again, you're eating a sausage?!"

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down. The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."

Good dinner dates Hannah is talking to her best friend Sharon. They are both still single. "After my recent experiences with some of my dates, Sharon, I firmly believe men are like a fine wine." "Why do you say that?" asks Sharon. "Well," replies Hannah, "they start out as grapes and it`s up to women like us to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with."

The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident. Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee. The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar. As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw." "That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"

What does a skeleton orders at a restaurant? Spare ribs.

I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy! Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome! God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust! I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again? You're so sexy when you're hungover. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping. Let's subscribe to Hustler. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend? Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses. I'll be out painting the house. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see! I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed. Your mother did a great job raising you. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies? Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint! Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings. That was a great fart! Do another one! I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

You Might Be A Lutheran If...you think a meeting isn`t legitimate unless it`s at least three hours long...peas in your tuna noodle hotdish add too much color...you make change in the offering plate for a ten...your dad`s name is Luther N., your brother is Luther Hahn and you are Lew Theran...you think butter is a spice...the church is on fire, and you rush in to save the coffee pot...you have more than five flavors of Jell-O in your pantry...you know what a "dead spread" is.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

The new member Rivkah had been trying for some time to become a member of a very up-market ‘English’ golf club. Then her husband dies. So Rivah takes elocution lessons, goes to an etiquette class, has her nose altered and changes her surname to Fythe-Smith. It works - she becomes a member. Unfortunately, at her first golf club dinner, a waiter passing by her table spills a plate of soup over her. Shocked, and especially because she is wearing a rather splendid new gown, Rifka jumps up and shouts, “Oy Vay.” Then, looking around her, she adds, “Whatever that means.

Mother Teresa dies and of course goes directly to heaven. God greets her and asks her, "After you get familiar with this place, how about we have dinner together?" "I would love to eat dinner with you!" Later that evening they meet up for dinner and she takes a seat at the dining room table. God is in the kitchen and starts preparing a very simple meal: one can of tuna fish and some crackers. Through some cracks in the floor, Mother Teresa looks down at Hell; she sees fire and red hot flames with hundreds of thousands of people, and they are dining on lobster, fine wine, chocolate cakes, steaks, pancakes, row after row of fine food. Mother Teresa can't help but ask, "God, look at how they're eating down there. Shouldn't we be dining even better than Hell? You are just serving canned tuna and crackers..." God says, "Well, I figure since it's just the two of us, why cook?"

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn`t have to wait for it to age.

My heroic Zeida My Zaida was very religious. He prayed 3 times a day and laid tefillin every morning. One night, he heard a noise downstairs and having no fear for his safety went downstairs to see what it was. It was a burglar and he was putting my Zaida’s silver cutlery, wine goblets and candlesticks into a bag. This made my Zaida very angry and he shouted at him to stop. He then tried to take the bag away but when he reached for it, the burglar pulled a knife out of the bag and was just about to stab my Zaida when all of a sudden, my Zaida screamed out "nisht mit the milchidic messer" .

Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?A: To get chocolate milk.

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two- faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. ... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn`t have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you`re eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M`s. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

There are three ladies working together in the same office - a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After a while, they begin to notice that each day their boss, who is also female, leaves work early. After this pattern continued for a few weeks, one day they decide that as soon as their boss takes off they'll leave right after her; after all, she never comes back or calls so how would she know? So, after their boss takes off they all leave as planned. The brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date. The redhead was thrilled to be home early; she did a little gardening and went to bed early. As for the blonde, she was so happy to finally come home early for once. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS! Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house without saying a word. The next day during their coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them. "NO WAY!" The blonde exclaimed, "I damn near got caught yesterday!"