You know the Super Bowl, that's what Chuck Norris eats his breakfast out of.

Bentley and his wife and son were sitting at the dinner table when the boy suddenly blurted out, "Gee, you're dumb, Mom. You don't know anything." "Now, son," scolded Bentley, "you musn't be picky about your mother's little faults."

You know you are addicted to coffee if ... You get a speeding ticket even when you`re parked.

Knock Knock Who's there! Celery! Celery who? Celery me you lunch will you, I'm hungry!

Alternatives Benjamin and Sarah, who were both in their 80’s, invited their grandson Morris to dinner one evening. Morris was impressed by the way Benjamin preceded every request to Sarah with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Sugar Plum, etc. The couple had been married over 50 years and clearly they were still very much in love. While Sarah was in the kitchen, Morris said to Benjamin, "Grandpa. I think it`s wonderful that after all these years you still call grandma those loving pet names." Benjamin hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth, Benjy," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."

I was once in a play called Breakfast In Bed. Did you have a big role? No, just toast and marmalade.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. -- Henny Youngman My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. -- Rodney Dangerfield A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. -- Milton Berle I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- George Burns What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds. -- Cindy Garner I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake." -- Henny Youngman Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -- Phyllis Diller The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. -- Henny Youngman People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. -- Erma Bombeck After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her. My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends. A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

Relationships Moishe and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Golders Green when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Moishe and says, "Hello Moishe." Sadie immediately asks, "And who was that girl who just spoke to you?" Moishe replies, "Oh her, that`s my mistress." "You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?" says Sadie. "About ten years, on and off." answers Moishe. "Ten years?", says Sadie. "You bastard! I`ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see." "Now hold on Sadie," responds Moishe, "just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now. You won`t have our big house in Hampstead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won`t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …." But before Moishe can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, "Hello, nice to see you again." Sadie asks, "And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?" Moishe replies, "No, that`s Hyme’s mistress." "You mean that Hyme also has a mistress?" says Sadie, surprised. Moishe answers, "Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years." Sadie then says, proudly, "I like ours a lot better."

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file. The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line!"

Chuck Norris buys his cereal at Home Depot.

The local restaurant was so sure that its host was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The host would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time , but nobody could do it. Then one day, this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the host said "OK," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the host paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything." The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master. The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."

Yo momma is so stupid that when I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said 'Cherry or Grape?'.

Marriage Rivkah awakens one night to find that her husband Howard is not in bed with her. She goes downstairs to look for him and finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What`s the matter, dear?" she asks tenderly, "why are you down here in the middle of the night?" Howard looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember, Rivkah, how young we both were when we first started dating?" "Yes, I remember," Rivkah replies. Howard’s voice is brimming with emotion. "Do you also remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "How could I forget?" says Rivkah. "And do you remember he put a gun against my head and said, `Either you marry my daughter or I`ll see to it that you go to jail for 30 years?`" "I remember that well," Rivkah softly replies, taking hold of his hand. Howard wipes away a tear and says, "I would have got out today."

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone : "Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!" The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?" "No" replied the trainee. "It's the Managing Director of the company, idiot!" The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT?" "No!" replied the Managing Director indignantly. "Good!" replied the trainee and put down the phone.

Gold Benny and Max meet one shabbes whilst parking their cars down a little road out of site of the synagogue. As they begin their 5minute walk to the synagogue, Benny says, "I’m glad I’ve bumped into you Max. It’s my parents` Golden wedding anniversary next week and I would like you to come to the party." "It’s nice of you to ask," replies Max, "Thank you, yes, I will come." "And if you have some friends you can bring with you, please do so," says Benny, "It will be nice to have a lot of people at the party." "Yes. I can bring Hymie Cohen and Melvyn Levy." "Great, but don`t forget to remind them to bring something gold." "OK." So Max brought a goldfish, Hymie Cohen brought a jar of Gold Blend coffee and Melvyn Levy brought Howard Goldberg.

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?""Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he`d chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth.""Ah yes!` said the farmer, "BUT, George`s DAD, wasn`t in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!"

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife`s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse! He found her.

Top 15 Household Pet Dishes 15> Angelfish Cake 14> Hamster and Cheese on Rye 13> Chow Chow Mein 12> Bran Muffy 11> Eggs BenjiDict 10> Yorkieshire pudding 9> Shih-Tzu Kabobs 8> Potbelly Pig in a Blanket 7> Shrimp Cockatiel 6> Fettucine AlFido 5> Chicken Poodle Soup 4> Turtlellini 3> Lhasa Thermidor 2> Rex-Mex Enchihuahuas 1> I'll-Teach-You-to-Piss-On-My-Pillow Persian Pancakes.

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. It makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and believe that there is hope for the human race. A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next-door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the construction crew, gems-in the-rough all of them, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons of bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any goddamn drywall that's worth a shit!"