There`s a little old Christian lady living next door to an atheist. Every morning the lady comes out onto her front porch and shouts "Praise the Lord!".The atheist yells back, "There is no God".She does this every morning with the same result. As time goes on, the lady runs into financial difficulties and has trouble buying food. She goes out onto the porch and asks God for help with groceries, then says "Praise the Lord".The next morning she goes out onto the porch and there`s the groceries she asked for, and of course, she shouts "Praise the Lord!".The atheist jumps out from behind a bush and says, "Ha, I bought those groceries - there is no God".The lady looks at him and smiles, she shouts "Praise the Lord, not only did you provide for me Lord, you made Satan pay for the groceries!"

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: * Compliment her * cuddle her * kiss her * caress her * love her * stroke her * tease her * comfort her * protect her * hug her * hold her * spend money on her * wine & dine her * buy things for her * listen to her * care for her * stand by her * support her * go to the ends of the earth for her... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: * Show up naked.

Waiter, what is this stuff? That's bean salad sir. I know what it's been, but what is it now?

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?""No sir," Little Johnny replies, "I don`t have to, my mom is a good cook!"

A surprise restaurant visit [My thanks to Frank R for the following] Rabbi Levy is walking home from shul one shabbes when he sees Issy in front of him. Issy is a learned and respected man who can hold his own with the rabbi on tulmudic discussions. As Rabbi Levy tries to catch up with Issy, he is shocked to see him go into ‘The Chinese Crab’ restaurant. As he looks through the window, Rabbi Levy sees Issy giving his order to a waiter and a short time later sees the food arrive – a plate of shrimps, lobsters and crabs. As Issy picks up the chopsticks and starts to eat, Rabbi Levy bursts into the restaurant and confronts Issy. "Issy, just what do you think you are doing coming into this restaurant and ordering this treif? You are not only violating everything we are taught about the dietary laws, but you also seem to be enjoying this food." "Rabbi," says Issy, "did you see me enter this establishment?" "Yes." "And did you see me order this food?" "Yes." "And did you see the waiter bring the food to me?" "Yes." "And did you then see me eat the food?" "Yes." "Then I don`t see a problem, rabbi. Everything was done under full Rabbinical Supervision."

Q: Which is easier for a man to leave: the women or the Wine? A: It depends on the age.

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The cop asked, "What's he like?" The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

There are a lot of female hormones in beer. When I drink five bottles I also can't drive a car and start behaving illogically.

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No". "Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?". Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.

Three cookies were crossing the road when the first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he reached the pavement in safety? Crumbs!

What`s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Deer nuts are under a buck.

Why did the horse stir his cereal with his hoof? Because he wanted to feel his oats!

One doc operated on a person for a hernia. He opened his testis and took the balls out and kept it on the table. At the end of the operation he wanted to put his balls back into the pouch of testis. He searched operation theatre but could not find the balls of the patient. Lastly he told nurse to get two small onions from his lunch box as he cannot keep his testis pouch empty. After that operation he met the same patient in a garden for morning walk. Being a good doc, he asked his patient how he is feeling now. He said "Doc everything is fine, life is very cool except that whenever I scratch my balls, my eyes start watering."

Why I love children Rivkah is trying hard to get the tomato ketchup to come out of the bottle. As she is banging the bottom of the bottle the phone rings, so she asks her 4-year-old Faye to answer it. "Mummy, it`s the rabbi," shouts Faye. But before Rivkah can get to the phone, Faye says to the rabbi, "My mummy can`t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She`s hitting the bottle."

Here`s a recipe to make Mom`s famous brownies!Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.Take shortening can away from Jr and clean cupboards.Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.Take shortening can away from Billy again and bathe cat.Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat`s tail.Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.Take telephone away from Jr. and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.Let cat out of refrigerator.Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13 inch pan. Bake 25 minutes.Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy.Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn.Throw cat outside while there`s still time and he`s still able to run away.Frosting--Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar 1 oz unsweetened chocolate 1/4 cup margarine.Take the %$$&#&% teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far away.Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn`t know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street.Put Jr. in playpen.Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man`s front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.Tie Billy to clothesline.Remove burned brownies from oven.

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''.

I’m not sure Abe is enjoying his 80th birthday party with family and friends. Even Rabbi Landau is present. Abe is so happy that he decides now is the time to let out his secret and to everybody’s surprise, announces his forthcoming marriage to 50-year-old Hetty. Everyone comes up to wish them Mazeltov - and to exchange all the old jokes "Abe, where will you both live?" "We’ll be looking for a house near a school.” "Abe, did you know that lovemaking is dangerous for the elderly?" "Yes, but I hope Hetty will survive it." Later, Rabbi Landau takes Abe aside and says, "Don’t be offended, but I must ask you a few questions. Do you really love Hetty?" "To tell you the truth, Rabbi, I’m not sure," Abe replies. "Well, is she a good cook? Is her chicken soup special?" asks Rabbi Landau. "I’m not sure, I’ve never seen her in the kitchen, Rabbi," Abe replies. "Is Hetty rich?" asks Rabbi Landau. "I’m not sure about her finances, we’ve never discussed money," replies Abe. "So, she must be ….. good in bed. Is that so?" asks Rabbi Landau, timidly. "I’ve no idea at all Rabbi, how does one tell before marriage?" answers Abe. "But if you don’t know whether you love her, if you’re not sure whether she’s a good cook, if you don’t know whether she’s rich, and if you’ve never made love to her, why on earth do you want to marry her?" asks Rabbi Landau. "She can drive at night," replies Abe.

One evening after dinner, a five-year-old son noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked, "Where did mommy go?"In answer to his questions, he was told him, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party."This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What`s a Tupperware party, Dad?"The man had always given my son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch ofladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime.Then he burst into laughter. "Come on, Dad," he said. "What is it really?"

Moshe’s favourite London signs DUE TO PROBLEMS WITH VANDALS, WE ARE ASKING ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THIS CEMETERY TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER THE BARGAIN BASEMENT IS UPSTAIRS (department store) `BORDELLO’ IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE RESTAURANT IN LONDON. EVERYONE WELCOME MACHINES ARE AUTOMATIC, SO REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES GREEN WE REPAIR EVERYTHING. PLEASE KNOCK HARD AS THE BELL DOESN`T WORK WHOEVER TOOK THE LADDER YESTERDAY BRING IT BACK AT ONCE OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN MUMS, WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE YOU EAT (German restaurant) WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING . SO WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A SPECIAL BARGAIN? TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS SIGN WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE MAYOR PLEASE DON’T SMOKE NEAR THE PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MIGHT NOT BE WORTH ANYTHING, BUT OUR PETROL IS AFTER USE, EMPLOYEES MUST EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD ANYONE LEAVING THEIR CLOTHES HERE FOR MORE THAN 21 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS MANURE. 50p PER PRE-PACKED SACK ELEPHANTS PLEASE DON’T LEAVE YOUR CAR (safari park).

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.