Jewish Doctors The following quotes were taken from actual medical records from Israeli hospitals... • Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant. • She is numb from her toes down. • By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better. • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year. • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared. • She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night. • The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983. • Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. • I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor. • The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed. • Discharge status: Alive but without permission. • Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. • The patient refused an autopsy. • The patient has no past history of suicides. • Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital. • The patient`s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days. • She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December. • The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary oedema at home while having sex, which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room. • The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed. • When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

After my check-up [My thanks to Daniel S for the following] Moshe and his friends Abe, Max and Nathan meet at Brent Cross shopping centre for a coffee - as they do every Monday. They sit down and Moshe starts to discuss the importance of regular medical check-ups. He asks his friends, "So when did you all last have a medical?" All reply it was years ago. So Moshe tells them of doctor Myers, a wonderful doctor he went to and who gave him the best examination he’s ever had. He suggests they each contact doctor Myers and book a check-up ASAP. They agree to do so and take down the doctor’s phone number. The following Monday, Moshe asks his friends, "Nu, how went the medicals?" "After my check-up," says Abe, "doctor Myers asked me how old I was. I said I was seventy and he said I could expect to live another 30 years. I was so relieved and happy to hear that." "After my check-up," says Max, "doctor Myers also asked me how old I was. When I said I was eighty he said I could expect to live another 20 years. You can’t believe how fantastic it was for an eighty-year old to hear that." Nathan is looking very sad and doesn’t say anything at first. But Moshe eventually persuades him to discuss how his medical went. "Being older than all of you," says Nathan, "I have been loathe to see a doctor. But when Moshe told us of doctor Myers, I reluctantly booked to see him. After my check-up, the doctor asked me how old I was. When I said I was ninety, he looked at me and said, ‘Thanks for coming. Have a nice day.’"

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. "Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me." "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man." When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?" "Once," he replied. "Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?" "Don't stop."

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender comes over, and asks for his order. The man says, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich. "What about you?" "I'll have a beer too," says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender. "Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large scotch" says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20," says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."

There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

Chuck Norris eats steel, bricks, and glass for breakfast. He also shits skyscrapers.

After drinking 5 cups of coffee, Chuck Norris stepped behind a tree and pissed so hard he knocked a Cessna 172 out of the air in mid flight.

The other day at work I ran into Bob. We chatted over lunch and he dropped a bombsell on me. "Rodney" he said, "Becky and I are going to get a divorce". I was stunned. "Why? What happened, you two seem so happy together" "Well" he said, "ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking, running around at all hours of the night and more. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music and how to invest in the stock market." "Are you a little bitter because she spent so much time trying to change you." I probed. "Nah, I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

A length of Rope went into a bar, sat on a stool, and ordered a beer. The Bartender said, "We don't serve Ropes here." Dismayed and disappointed, the Rope went out and then got an idea. He stopped a man and asked, "Will you please tie a knot in me and separate my strands at both ends?". The man obliged, and with this done, the Rope went back into the bar and again ordered a beer. The Bartender looked him over and said, "Say, aren't you the same rope who was in here before? " "No," was the reply, "I'm a frayed knot."

One day Bill Clinton was talking to Hillary. He was going on a vacation and before he left said, "Whatever you do don't look under my bed." So while Bill was on vacation Hillary got curious and decided to look under his bed. She found a million dollars and 2 empty beer cans. When Bill came home she said, "What's with the two beer cans under your bed?" Bill replied, "Oh. That marks all the times I've cheated on you." "Well, I forgive you," said Hillary, "But then what's with the million dollars?" He replied, "I've started to recycle."

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him. "Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?" he asks the lady. "Help yourself," she replies. After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eaten almost all of the peanuts in the bowl. "I apologize," he says to the elderly lady. "I only meant to eat a few." "That's okay," says the lady, "Since I've lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them."

I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat`s how u...eat an ice cream!

Home - A - Age Jokes "That's an excellent essay for someone your age," said the English teacher. "How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?" "Welcome to school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the new boy. "How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly new." Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school magazine. "How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred. "I'm not going to tell you that," she replied. "But Mr Hill the technical teacher and Mr Hill the geography teacher told me how old they were." "Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them." The poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote: Miss Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as the Hills. "Now remember, boys and girls," said the science teacher, "you can tell a tree's age by counting the rings in a cross section. One ring for each year." Fred went home for tea and found a chocolate roll on the table. "I'm not eating that, Mum!" she said. "It's five years old." Grandma: You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate every one. Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma? Grandma: Yes, I do. Fred: Well, you can have mine. How old is your wife? Approaching forty. From which direction? An eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was correct that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday. `That's right,' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I haven't an enemy in the world. They're all dead.' `Well, sir,' said the interviewer, `I hope very much to have the honour of interviewing you on your hundredth birthday.' The old man looked at the young man closely, and said, `I can't see why you shouldn't. You look fit and healthy to me!'.

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator. Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going? Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too? Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection? Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 90's, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. By Bruce Cameron.

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?" The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri. "The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke." "Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95" The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week. The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?" "Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks? A: It takes too long to retrain them.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her cuddle her kiss her caress her love her stroke her tease her comfort her protect her hug her hold her spend money on her wine & dine her buy things for her listen to her care for her stand by her support her go to the ends of the earth for her... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked.

There is no Ninja Turtle cereal because eating ninjas for breakfast is a copyright of Chuck Norris.

1. But everybody looks funny naked! 2. You woke me up for that? 3. Did I mention the video camera? 4. Do you smell something burning? 5. Can you please try breathing through your nose. 6. A little rug burn never hurt anyone. 7. Darling, did you lock the back door? 8. But whipped cream makes me break out in a rash. 9. person 1: This is your first time...right? person 2: It is... today 10. Can you pass me the remote control? 11. Do you accept Visa? 12. On second thoughts, let's turn off the lights. 13. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend. 14. So much for mouth-to-mouth 15. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober... 16. Try not to smear my make-up, will you'? 17. But I just brushed my teeth... 18. Smile, you're on candid camera! 19. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?! 20. I want a baby! 21. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies! 22. Why am I doing all the work? 23. Did you know the ceiling needs painting? 24. When is this supposed to feel good? 25. Did I remember to take my pill? 26. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere? 27. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow. 28. Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed? 29. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance. 30. No, really.. I do this part better myself. 31. This would be more fun with a few more people. 32. You're almost as good as my ex! 33. You look younger than you feel. 34. Perhaps you're just out of practice. 35. Now I know why she dumped you... 36. Does your husband own a sawn off shot-gun? 37. Have you ever considered liposuction? 38. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner! 39. What are you planning to make for breakfast? 40. I'll tell you I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about.. 41. Does this count as a date? 42. I think biting is romantic- don't you? 42. When would you like to meet my parents? 43. Have you seen "fatal attraction"? 44. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not to good with names. 45. Don't mind me... I always file my nails in bed. 46. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a doberman. 47. Sorry but I don't do toes. 48. You could at least act like you're enjoying it! 49. Keep the noise down, my mother is a light sleeper. 50. I've slept with more women than Casanova!