I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn, I ate too much pudding and pie. I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin' I'm probably going to die. I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate. But I wish I had known when to stop, For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams That my buttons are starting to pop! I'm full of tomatoes and french fried potatoes My stomach is swollen and sore, But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if I eat just a little bit more!

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down. 3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her. 4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear. 6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks. 8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. 11. You have enough clothes. 12. You have too many shoes. 13. Crying is blackmail. 14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot. 15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it! 16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes. 18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. 23. Check your oil. 24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived. 25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. 26. No, it does not matter which quiz. 27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. 28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic. 31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both. 33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses. We like staring at boobs. 37. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. 38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color. 39. Pumpkin is also a fruit. 40. If it itches, it will be scratched. 41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. 42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement. 43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. 44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

The fifteen minute morning coffee break is when your employees take a break from doing nothing.

I think we all can relate to these! You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you. There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away. There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray. You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling. You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer . A.

Q: What do ducks have for lunch? A: Soup and quackers!

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said: "We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays."

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying, "Much love, Mom."Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.A few minutes later, an announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse: "Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say, you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds." The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20 pounds at birth?" The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer, wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and said, "Had him circumcised."

Share and share alike Moishe was eating in Solly’s restaurant one day when he saw an elderly couple on another table. They had ordered one plate of salt beef and chips, one drink and one extra glass. As he watched, the old man carefully divided the salt beef into 2 portions, then counted the chips and divided them equally as well. Then he poured half the drink into the extra glass and put it in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat and his wife just sat there watching, her hands folded in her lap. Moishe had to ask them whether they would accept him buying them an extra meal so that they didn’t have to split theirs. The old man said, “Oh, no, that’s very kind. We’ve been married 50 years now, and everything has always been and will always be shared 50/50.” Moishe then asks the old lady why she wasn’t eating. She replied, “it’s his turn with the teeth.

We keep getting all these, "rules from the woman's side", emails so we figured it was time for a "rules from the man's side" email. These are our rules! Learn them, memorize them and use them! Please note these are all numbered "1" for a reason! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down. 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Saturday = Sports 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. We don't remember dates. Mark them on a calendar and remind us frequently. 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Check your oil! Please. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer that question anymore. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. Let us look. It doesn't hurt anyone, to look. And for us, its genetic. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colours. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will believe you. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take any quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. 1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

What is a goal keepers favourite snack? Beans on post!

From the deepest, darkest jungles of deepest, darkest Africa comes the cry of the Sandwich bird "Eat me, Eat me".

Girl: Did you like that cake, Mrs Jones? Mrs Jones: Yes, very much. Girl: That's funny. My mom said you didn't have any taste.

Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup? It's fly soup sir!

Q: What did one strawberry say to another strawberry? A: If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!

Chuck Norris had three kegs of beer at a bar one night and proceeded to his car which started to drive him home. He was pulled over by a Policeman for a random breath test, the policeman then pulled the Breathalyzer out... out of sheer terror the device self-destructed and the policeman was never seen again.

A few seconds of thought - 1 Esther, 85 years old, is walking around the lounge in Becky’s Nursing Home in Hendon. As she walks past each male resident, she flips up the hem of her nightgown and says, "Supersex!" As she reaches wheelchair-bound Cyril, she flips up her gown at him and says, "Supersex!" Cyril sits silently for a few seconds and then says, "I`ll take the soup, please."

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 14 year old said to her 8 year old younger sister, "Well, you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."