I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you're set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.

Interviewer: "Why do you want this job?" Me: "I've just always been very passionate about not starving to death."

Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

I want you more then a Hagen-Daas on a hot summer day.

Couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom.

"Could you take a couple steps back. I have a nut allergy."

You must work at subway...cause you`re givin` me a foot long.

I'm guessing I'm not married because I'd take a bullet for a grilled cheese before I'd take one for a girl.

My wife says she is no longer buying junk food for the family because, "Everyone just eats it."

When a woman breast feeds in public it's called natural, but when I do it, the woman calls the cops.

Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.

Remember: You can eat your way out of almost any problem.

I'm not a doctor but I know adding cheese to anything makes it an antidepressant.

Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

A cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremely slow motion.

Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious

I'm Only Here For The Free Food

It probably seems like I'm listening to your story, but I'm really thinking, "close your fucking menu or the waiter will never come over."