How did the dog's owner know his pet was angry about having soap flakes for breakfast? He foamed at the mouth.

What`s the difference between the stay puff marshmallow man and a stay-puff marshmallow? The marshmallow will fit in your vagina.

There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"

Cleavage: The best popcorn catcher.

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Progress Hetty was just about to make herself a cup of coffee when her front doorbell rang. She opened the door and there stood a smartly dressed man. "Good morning, madam," he said, "I’m a Jehovah Witness and …" but before he could continue, Hetty said to him, "I’m just about to make myself some coffee. Why don’t you come in and join me?" Very surprised, he agreed. After coffee, Hetty said, "I’m now going to have to make some lunch for myself so I don’t really have much time at this moment to talk to you. But if you’d like to join me in a bite to eat, we can talk later." He was shocked at this kind offer. But again he agreed. When they had finished eating, Hetty said, "OK, I’m all ears. Why don’t you start at the beginning and tell me all about the Jehovah Witness movement?" He was totally surprised by this and replied, "I can’t tell you anything - I’ve never got this far before."

For all of you Coca Cola drinkers . . .1. In many states the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.2. You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of Coke and it will be gone in two days.3. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coke into the toilet bowl. Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.4. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.5. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.6. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.7. To loosen a rusted bolt: Apply a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.8. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.9. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.FYI:1. The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It`s pH is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.2. To carry Coca Cola syrup the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly Corrosive materials.3. The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years! Drink up!

Hungry Snake Having arived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm. The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat and went about his fishing. An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pantleg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

Q: What's worse than finding a worm in the apple you're eating? A: Finding half a worm.

How do I know that my youth is all spent? Well, my get up and go has got up and went. But in spite of it all I am able to grin when I recall where my get up has been. Old age is golden-so I`ve heard it said- but sometimes I wonder when I get into bed, with my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup, my eyes on the table until I wake up. Ere sleep dims my eyes I say to myself, "Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?" And I`m happy to say as I close my door, my friends are the same, perhaps even more. When I was young, my slippers were red, I could pick up my heels right over my head. When I grew older, my slippers were blue, but still I could dance the whole night through. But now I am old, my slippers are black, I walk to the store and puff my way back. The reason I know my youth is all spent, my get up and go has got up and went. But I really don`t mind when I think, with a grin, of all the grand places my get up has been. Since I have retired from life`s competition, I accommodate myself with complete repetition. I get up each morning, and dust off my wits, pick up my paper and read the "obits". If my name is missing, I know I`m not dead, so I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?" ...The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did." ...The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?" ...Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says "You".

Seder Pickup Lines Let`s make this night really different from all others nights. What will you do to me for two zuzim? What`s a girl like you doing at a seder like this? I like my matzo thin, like my women. Maybe when Elijah comes, we can make it a threesome. I hear that horseradish is an aphrodisiac. After four cups of wine, you look like Cindy Crawford. Darling, on this night we are supposed to recline, so let`s get to it. I bet I could make you sing Dayenu! Did that just say we were in bondage? I could never Pass you Over. We were strangers (with emphasis on "were") You`re a 10 in my hagadah. I`m going to have to search you for chometz. How`s about we go re-live the "Darkness" plague up in my room. I`m like one of the four sons; let me show you how wicked I can be.

Q: Why was the strawberry so sad? A: His parent`s were in a jam.

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don`t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" `Tis odd, isn`t it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You`ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It`s just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

Salad HumorWaiter, waiter! There`s a maggot in my salad.Don`t worry, he won`t live long in that stuff.Waiter, waiter! There`s a spider in my salad.Yes sir, the chef`s using Webb lettuces today.Waiter, waiter! There`s a fly in my soup!""Don`t worry sir, the spider in your salad will eat it"Why did the tomato blush?Because it saw the salad dressing.How do you repair a broken tomato?Tomato Paste! Why did the boy close the refrigerator door?He didn`t want to see the salad dressing!A faucet, lettuce and a tomato were in a race...what happened?The faucet was running, the lettuce was ahead, and the tomato was trying to ketchup!What kind of lettuce did they serve on The Titanic?Iceberg!Q: What do you call a spider who makes salad?A: A salad spinner.Q: What is the most romantic fruit salad?A: A date with a peach.Waiter, what is bug doing in my salad?Trying to find it`s way out sir!Waiter, what is this creepy-crawly doing in my salad?Not him again, he`s in here every night!Waiter, waiter! There`s a caterpillar on my salad.Don`t worry sir, there is no extra charge.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it. 3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate. 4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced,and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders,drop him. 5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it. 7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate. 8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror. 9. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper. 10. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order. 11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large. 12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor. 14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche. 15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26. 16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot. 17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror. 18. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is. 19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future. 20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall. 21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils. 22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the fun of it. 23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise. 24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Someone gave Chuck Norris a chocolate cookie once, he roundhouse kicked it, destroying the Nestle Tollhouse factory.