An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I`m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old.
Men have two emotions, hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there." A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli." Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."
Q5: How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? A: Tea Rex?
"The Chinese Girl" A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking Chinese girl. She appears to be all over him and soon asks him back to her place "for a coffee". When they get to her flat, she tells him to help himself to a drink while she slips into something more comfortable... Just as he finishes getting the drink, the sexy Chinese seductress returns wearing only a see-through negligee. "I am your sex slave!" she says, "I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want!" Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can`t believe his luck, so he says, "I really fancy a 69." "F**k Off" replies the girl, "I`m not cooking at this time of night."
You be the biscuits and I’ll be the gravy, let us do breakfast sometime.
Why I Fired My Secretary I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen, yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks.
Seder song number 2 - Elijah Elijah! I just saw the prophet Elijah. And suddenly that name Will never sound the same to me. Elijah! He came to our seder Elijah! He had his cup of wine, But could not stay to dine This year-- Elijah! For your message all Jews are waiting: That the time`s come for peace and not hating-- Elijah-- Next year we`ll be waiting. Elijah!
What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream? "I'm sweet on you!"
Prevention policy Nathan goes to see his doctor. After a lengthy examination the doctor sighs, looks Nathan in the eye and says, "I`ve some bad news for you, Nathan. You have an incurable cancer. I suggest you quickly put your affairs in order." Nathan is initially shocked. But then, being a calm, solid character, he composes himself and quietly leaves the doctor`s office. His son Max is waiting for him. "Max," says Nathan, "we Jews celebrate when things are good and we sometimes celebrate when things are not so good. In my case, Max, things aren`t so good - I have cancer. So I suggest we go to my golf club for a few drinks." 4 or 5 glasses of whiskey later, the two are feeling a little less sad. Then, after a few laughs and some more glasses of whiskey, they are approached by two of Nathan`s club mates, curious as to what Nathan and Max are celebrating. Nathan tells them, "Guys, we’re drinking to my impending death. I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS." His club mates are shocked. They give Nathan their condolences, have a couple of beers and leave. Max then says, "Dad, you tell me you’re dying of cancer yet you tell your friends you’re dying of AIDS. I don’t understand." Nathan replies, "I don`t want any of them sleeping with your Mum after I’m gone."
How was the hamburger murdered? First it was 'rolled,' then smothered in onions.
Bernie and Abe are having a drink together in a City wine bar to celebrate Abe?s recent promotion. They had been drinking for some time when Bernie begins to insult Abe. He shouts,?I slept with your mother, Abe.? There was a hush as everyone listens. Bernie again shouts at Abe,?I slept with your mother, Abe.? Abe replies,?I know. Why don?t you go home now, Dad, you?re drunk.?
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times. At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Woman to husband at breakfast table: "It sure is easier to get Junior up for school since he got his nose ring!"
Chuck Norris Eats Pancakes For Breakfast Every Night.
Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favorite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. Men: When listening to your favorite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it. Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching. Ladies: If invited to a fancy party, go wearing hair rollers, so that the hostess will think you are going somewhere REALLY important afterwards. Homeowners: Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience. White wine splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area. Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send the stranded driver on his way.
Two monkeys were sitting in a tree and two lions were sleeping below them. One monkey said to the other monkey "I dare you to go down there and kick one of those lions in the rear end." The other monkey said o.k. I'll go down there and kick him in the rear end as hard as I can. So he goes down the tree and kicks the lion as hard as he can and takes off swinging through the trees. The lion starts to chase him. He keeps getting closer, and closer until the monkeys thinks "Man I better do something quick or that lion is going to eat me for lunch. So he keeps swinging until the lion is pretty far behind him and he sees a newspaper lying on the ground. So he picks it up and starts to read it. All of a sudden the lion catches up to him and says, "Did you see a monkey run by here?" The monkey goes, "You mean the one that kicked that lion in the rear end?" And the lion says,"Dang it was in the paper already?"
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup! Yes sir, thats the manager, the last customer was a witch doctor!
Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.
Waiter, there is a maggot in my soup! Don't worry sir, he won't last long in there!
Food Trivia

Chicken contains 266% more fat than it did 40 years ago.

Food Joke

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