A Texan, a Russian, and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. ''Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage due to the mad cow disease,'' says the waiter. The Texan says, ''What's a shortage?'' The Russian says, ''What's a steak?'' The New Yorker says, ''What's excuse me?''.

What's the difference between a vampire and a cookie? You can't dip a vampire in your tea.

This small Latino man walks into a bar, sits, and orders a beer. A big man comes in, taps him on his shoulder, and says, "You're sitting in my seat!" The same Spanish man ignores him and orders another beer. The man again taps him on his shoulder, and tells him he's sitting in his seat. The same Spanish man gets up, leans over the seat, and says. "I don't see your name on it." He sits down again and orders still another beer. "The man says...I know Karate!" The small Latino man says, "I know JUDO! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A GUN! JU DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE A KNIFE!"

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, 'Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?' The wife giggled like crazy and said, 'Sure, why not.' So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up,shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, 'That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young.' 'not really,' said the old man, 'when we were young, that fence wasn't electric.'.

How many McDonald's counter girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with it.

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, "That`s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it." The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

Liver n` Cheese There were these three guys at a cafe, drinking their coffee - an American guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy. They see a really attractive waitress and comment on her good looks. Next thing you know they start making bets on who can get her to go out with them first. The waitress overhears them, and she goes up to them and says, "Hey, I heard you talking about me. Well, I like an intelligent guy, so let`s see who can make the best sentence using the words `liver` and `cheese`." So the American guy goes, "That`s easy. I love liver and I hate cheese." The waitress shakes her heard in disgust. The black guy goes, "Well, I hate liver and I love cheese." The waitress says, "That is so stupid. That`s essentially the same thing!" Then the Chinese guy steps up and puts his arm around the waitress` waist. "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

Diner: Waitress, the portions are getting smaller. Waiter: It's just an optical illusion. It's just that the restaurant has been enlarged.

How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.

Two hunters are in the woods in deer season. The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together. As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside. Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear`s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes. The other hunter bewildered asks "You don`t really think you can out run that bear do you?" The first hunter replies, "No, but I can outrun you."

Why was the 2 piece bikini invented? To separate the meat section from the dairy section. It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young blonde woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the blonde and bellowed with a loud voice, "Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!""So would I," quipped the blonde, "but you know, there just isn't time enough during a coffee break." Don't believe everything that you see. Most of it is done with smoke and mirrors and push-up bras! The drinker announced to the bartender, "It seems I've been informally named advisor on 'Sexual Matters' at my company." "That sounds interesting. Does this mean you'll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?" "I'm not sure yet," he answered. "During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they'd let me know." What do you call a prostitute with her hand in her panties? Self employed. Two Ministers were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman self righteously. "Did you?""I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?" What's the difference between a bonus and a penis? A woman will always blow a bonus. "Crime of passion" is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation - that's a crime of passion. Why is Viagra like Disneyworld? You have to wait an hour for a three I minute ride. Last night I came home, I walked in the house, I picked up the extension. My wife was having phone sex with some guy. I told the guy, "Don't let her fool you, she's faking it." An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested. "Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

Why is Toblerone triangular? So it will fit in the box.

Saturday, October 13. 2007 What did the little ghost eat for lunch? A booloney sandwich!

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU" written on it. The teacher asks who left it. A little white girl raises her hand. Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean? The little girl replies, "I love you." The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet," and continues with class. The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written on it. The teacher asks who left and what does it mean. A little white boy raises his hand and says, "It means, You are special." "Thank you sweetheart", the teacher says. The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters "FUCK" written on it. The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means. A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, "Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!".

There were three guys on a building and they all jumped off. One of them were white, one of them were mexican, and the other one was black. They all went to hell. When they got to hell the devil told them that if he grabs their dick and it doesnt melt he would let them go back to earth and live again. The white guy got up on the throne and the devil held his dick. His dick melted. The devil told him he was going to burn in hell forever. The mexican guy got up there and the devil held his dick. His dick melted. The devil told him he was going to burn in hell forever. The black guy got up there and the devil held his dick. His dick didnt melt. The devil was suprised to see that his dick didnt melt. The devil then asked why his dick didnt melt. The black guy says, "Chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand."

Chuck Norris chugs bottles of whiskey as if they were cans of light beer.

Only in America Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place. Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in.

The term 'tough as iron nails' does not apply to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats iron nails in his cereal every morning.

I forgot my coffee this morning so I'm gonna drive on the rumble strips along the side of the road all the way to work just to be safe.

Waiter, waiter, does the pianist play requests? Yes, sir. Then ask him to play tiddlywinks until I've finished my meal.