If you want to speed up the ripening of a pineapple, so that you can eat it faster, then you can do it by standing it upside down (on the leafy end).

What to do when your dinner is interrupted: - Ask them if they've got beer - Start speaking in tongues - Tell them that person doesn't live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number - Tell them that you're not there right now - Ask them if they accept coupons - Start selling them something else - If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you're poor and ask for money instead - Start preaching your religion to them - Pretend you're a recording and say "The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4." Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning. - Try to hypnotise the telemarketer - Play a recording of a busy signal - Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo. - Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show. - Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice - Rap all your replies to the telemarketer's questions, especially if you're white. - Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly - Speak in ragga chant - Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says - Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle. - Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you're the ghost of him/her. - Sell them on the "value of high colonics". Explain your "dedication to good health" in your most convincing, passionate voice.